Monday, December 26, 2005

Books and their covers

It’s a marvelous feeling when I step into a bookstore; the scent of new books that fills my lungs as my eyes close and I sigh, breathing in the wonderful aroma of cappuccino that permeates the air; the genuinely blissful peace that washes over me, as I swear, I can almost hear “Dreams” by The Cranberries playing in my head, like in the first scene of You’ve Got Mail.

I never rush, but walk very slowly, so I can take it all in. I like to stare at other customers’ faces as they read the first pages of a book or novel, starting to live, even for a little bit of time, through someone else’s eyes. I like to run my fingers through the rows of books stacked up neatly against each other in all their shinny newness, urging for me to pick them up. I’m looking for that one book that will capture my interest, that one book that will make me loose myself in its pages. I feel almost giddy thinking of the possibilities, of the stories and characters that are waiting for me to discover them. *sigh*

And then...

... imagine “Dreams” being interrupted by horns blazing,

... by the sound of a car as its breaks burn the pavement,

... a scream of utter shock and horror: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I find myself staring at something like this:

“What is she talking about?” you’re probably asking yourselves. Well, I’ll tell you. I’m referring to the “fugly book cover syndrome.” The MJ book** up there is obviously a joke, but it’s not even half as bad as some real covers I’ve seen out there! I’ve honestly wondered if publishing houses’ editors and cover designers spend their 9-5 day smoking crack, or perhaps brewing a little mushroom tea? Either way there’s no excuse (to me at least) of why atrocities like these hit bookshelves.

I had to make sure these were actual books, since honest to god, I thought they were jokes:

Never mind the cheap whore with the saxophone, or even the title, but “Internationally bestselling author of The Happy Hooker”? LOL I’ve got to get myself a copy of this book. Surely The Happy Hooker might have some tips for me?

What surprises me about this cover is not that this guy is getting laid (which is astounding on its own, ICKKK!), but can someone tell me why he’s wearing a cape and/or a short sleeved jacket?!?

Emily should be beaten, repeatedly, with a whip for her awful fashion sense. I have never EVER seen such an UGLY wedding dress in my life! I am forced to assume she sewed it herself out of a lampshade and an old table cloth. Or is this one of those ridiculous “secret baby” books, and that’s not a lampshade but her very pregnant belly? Now, I’ve no idea how those books are supposed to work, but if the hero in this one can’t tell she’s pregnant, he’s one dumb fuck.

A lot of romance covers are ridiculous, but this one takes the cake! Where is this guy standing? If he’s even standing, because it seems to me that the horse is moving. So, is he running backwards with the horse while helping the STUPID broad stay seated on it?

Harlot and I discussed this dilemma a bit:

Harlot: Pick that guy on horse! OMG how stupid!
Trollop: Yes, but that guy is not on horse, it’s practically impossible. Unless he works on circus as one of those contortionists people, and even then, how is horse moving? Also, the guy would have to be like 7 feet tall, or standing on pedestal with wheels!?!
Harlot: Mmm, perhaps he’s one of those plastic dolls with half a body just there for pic?

**Just kidding with that one LOL. I mean, obviously Naked in Rollerskates was not written by Michael Jackson. We all know this classic was penned by non other than Maxwell Bodenheim. (Who is that? you might ask. We have no fucking clue! LOL)

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9 comment(s):

Blogger Meepers said...

Just popped randomly onto your blog and am defintely bookmarking you - as a fellow B.B. (book b***h) I find it hysterical. Thanks for cheering me up on a fairly shite monday!

12/26/2005 01:27:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh poor mustached guy! See the way the two women groping him like he's the last man on earth and he's not even touching them (front girl's boob practically got shoved in his palm and still not even a stroke)? He obviously prefers the dude flight attendants servicing him than them. :P

12/26/2005 03:39:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hmm.. Maybe Emily thought that by wearing the ugliest wedding dress ever, a horrid veil, and a portrait of a missing girl to hide huge boobs due to milk, she could conceal her pregnancy from the groom who probably is not the father..? LOL

12/26/2005 03:42:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Meepers, So glad you liked our blog!!! Thanks for book marking us. We update everyday, so tons of new stuff to check out.

What type of books do you like?


12/26/2005 07:27:00 PM  

Blogger jaxieknight said...

Hey gals, found your blog by random. Love it! I'm a book fanatic. OMG...the book many times have I silently thought some of the same things? Will have to check back often to see what you are up to next!

12/27/2005 09:01:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Thanks, Jaxie! Glad you liked our blog. :)

Yes! Some of the book covers, esp those that have stupid half naked people, make me feel embarrased to be seen near them. Yikes.

12/28/2005 07:11:00 AM  

Blogger zincink said...

I was trying not to make to much laughing noise at work from the hilarious book covers!! funny stuff!

12/28/2005 06:49:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...


So glad you enjoyed the post :D We'll have some more covers soon. And ridiculous book titles too. Come back and check :D

12/29/2005 01:17:00 PM  

Anonymous Irene said...

You crack me up so much! You are so very funny! Keep it up! (the guy on the horse, MJ's face, and the lampshade! Reminds me of the show about Trump's new wife's wedding dress!That cost a fortune!) Who knows? Thanks very much for the happy times visiting you! And I am guilty of being a fan of Boris Vallejo~sci-fi cover artist. Now those are sexy pictures. He said many years ago he used himself as a model. Ma

4/14/2006 04:00:00 AM