Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Seven deadly dating sins

“OMG, I’ve done that!” “I’m guilty of that!” And that... and that... and *gasp* THAT! When it comes to dating, there are things you just don’t do. Okay, to be fair, we all do them... and then we regret it—and then we do it again! Oh, good grief!!!

Sometimes, all we need is someone who’d tell us not to do it. Sexologist Yvonne K. Fulbright has done exactly that. With her book Sex with Your Ex and 69 Other Things You Should Never Do Again, she clearly lays out the biggest dating sins for all the world to see (and avoid). Some of them you may not agree with (there are always exception to the rule), but it’ll make you laugh knowing you’re not the only one who’s said/done at least one of them (if not all!). *g* Here are some of those “nevers”:**

1. Never have sex with your ex

The hard fact is that having sex with your ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-partner, ex-one-night-stand, ex-whatever is playing with fire on too many levels for it ever to be the truly right thing to do. Strong feelings will resurface. You may long for him in ways that will surprise you. You may have to fight an overpowering lust. Powerful sex-triggered hormones in your body can make you think you’re falling in love again. You will have amnesia about the reasons you’re no longer together and be sucked into a fantasy of “happily ever after” this time. You will be tempted to think only of the good times, and you may even find yourself thinking about what could have been, what might still be... stop that!

2. Never let him keep photos of you in your birthday suit

No matter how you feel about newsstand porn, the thought of being the star of your very own birthday-suit shoot can be totally titillating. Plus its an opportunity to flirt with one cute photographer, especially if he helps you strip down to your tan lines! Yet, in capturing the thrilling moment, make sure that you, and only you, have access to these rare glimpses of you in your “finest” form. While Mother Nature meant for you to be nude, society isn’t in agreement with her on this one. And your actual mother might not like it too much either, should she stumble on your nudie pix on the Internet!

3. Never use the toilet in front of your partner

Some couples feel that they should be able to do and say anything in front of each other, even if it’s not always so pretty. And it’s true, with closeness in a relationship comes an ease and openness about certain things that early in a relationship you’d never dream of doing in front of your partner—using your menstrual heating pad, flossing, adjusting your thong along your butt crack, or picking at a pimple, for instance. However, most people would agree that there needs to be some sort of limit. This is especially true when it comes to using the loo. There are just some things you don’t need to know about each other—or at least share—and the vision of doing a #2 tops the list.

4. Never write your ex a letter letting him know “how you feel”

There is a reason they call them breakups, you know. You’re breaking off and moving on—with an emphasis on the moving on part. Writing your ex a letter will get in the way of your moving on. In fact, if you cave at this point, after all of the work you’ve done in getting yourself to a better place, you’ll probably reverse all the healing and progress you’ve made since breaking up. You’ll relive all the pain, make yourself vulnerable to more pain by putting your heart out there unprotected, and you’ll probably get caught in a roller-coaster ride of unrealistically high hopes and anguished disappointment. So don’t do it. He’s put you though enough. If it’s mean to happen again, let him make the first move.

5. Never fake orgasm

This one’s worth repeating: Never fake orgasm—even if you think faking it is a selfless, compassionate act that will spare his feelings. All you do is deprive yourself of sexual fulfillment (if climaxing is your goal) and give him a false sense of rock-star status. Just think of how his ego will be blown if he ever finds out—and you thought you were doing it to make him feel good! In addition, every time you feign climax, you train your body to believe that the fake orgasm is all it’s getting. In other words, you develop a habit that desensitizes you and makes it more difficult for you to attain orgasm for real. You end up settling in the sack. That’s not the point of sex!

6. Never drop your girlfriends for your guy

We’ve all had that girlfriend, the one who always seems to disappear when she has a boyfriend or significant other. She’s MIA until the second they’re on the rocks or done. Then guess who’s calling you, crying on your shoulder, longing for support, wailing that she’s doomed to be alone... until she finds the next one. If you find that you’re guilty of being that kind of friend yourself, rethink whether any guy is worth the cost of abandoning your social circle. When you ditch your friends for your Romeo, you’re creating a toxic, one-way friendship, and your friends are not obligated to stick around after you’ve dropped them. If you don’t nurture your friendships the way you do your relationship, you may find yourself dumped by everyone the next time you have a breakup.

7. Never keep your ex in your phone or on your buddy list

After you drop his toothbrush in the toilet—oops!—the first thing you should do after a nasty breakup is to get him off your radar. Completely. That means removing his number from your cell phone, getting him off any speed dials, and bumping him off your buddy lists online. Why this draconian purging? If the relationship and breakup were intense and emotional, it can be hard to wash him out of your hair. For many people, getting rid of all contact info is an important part of healing and finally being able to move on. And if you still have feelings for your ex—good or bad—having that number or buddy user name available at the press of a button makes it all too easy to put off the healing that needs to be done with a call or message.

C’mon, fess up, which of those are you guilty of? :P Heh. What else do you think is a huge sin women should never ever ever EVAAAAH do in regards to relationships?

**Excerpt copyright © Yvonne K. Fulbright


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51 comment(s):

Blogger Duvy said...

Oh, God, it's so true. :S Let's see, guilty of 1...2...3...4...5...aaaand 7. Well, unless you count having to keep every weekend available for said Ex because they live thirty min away and it was the only time I could see him, then, yeah, prolly guilt of 6 as well.

Yea, and I think I'd like to add to the list here.

8. Don't get into a new (serious)relationship if you're still hung up on your ex. Post-break-up relationships, imo, should be short and, relatively, non-commital because you will inevitably do or say or see things that will reminds you of your ex or the GOOD times. So, save the long-term relationships for after you have gotten the old out of your system for good.

Note to self: Take own advice.

Any other rules we should add?

6/13/2007 01:14:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

What a good topic! And it's all true! LOL

Let me see... guilty of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 6 (I'm ashamed I've done this before) and 7! OMG I've done them all!

Duvy, GREAT advice and I totally agree. And you'll end up hurting more or using someone, hurting him when that's not what you want at all.

Now, this I am guilty of and very embarrassed of ever doing. Never frequent places your ex goes to, even if it's "your place" first and you like it there. I should also say: Never frequent places your ex goes to so you can SPY on him! Talk about a stalker!

Sometimes we delude ourselves by thinking we're just reminiscing or whatever but even if you don't care what others think, doing that will hurt more than help you especially when you're trying to heal from your nasty breakup.

6/13/2007 01:43:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh wow, we're only starting and i'm loving this already! Owki, guilty of 1, 2 (never the loo!), 4, 7. :S


Duvy,
I agree. And you mentioned the worst part: you will inevitably do or say or see things that will reminds you of your ex or the GOOD times. :S


Jordis,
LOL! Spying is a big NO-NO. And what if he catches you? OMG. I would just DIIIIE. if he doesn't, well... maybe you're only lurking in the shadows, no? :P


C'mon guys, do share with us. I'd love to hear more relationship "nevers". :D

6/13/2007 02:22:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Okay, Duvy's advice reminds me of this: Never recollect about an ex particularly during your special moment (like when you're cuddling or gad forbid, after having sex!).

Imagine, you're lying down and you're just enjoying the fact you're together and then you say, "This reminds me of X when we we're in Hawaii and..." Ack. Even with the most mundane things that sucks. For example, you're having breakfast and, "Can you believe X doesn't like eggs..." :/

6/13/2007 02:28:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

OMG I love this. I think I'm guilty of all 7!

One of the things you should never do in a relationship is flirt (not the playful kind but the kind where there is already some insinuations) with his friend or family member. Even let's say your relationship is on a rocky ground, you should never do that. That's disrespectful. And never sleep with an ex's brother or ex's friend. I think that's worse than sleeping with the ex.

6/13/2007 02:53:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

Harlot, yes! He already knows you've had exes, he doesn't have to know the details. I hate that too. And I think there's something to say when you keep remembering your ex...

Vanessa, I agree. NEVER sleep with your ex's friend (or brother).

6/13/2007 02:58:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Oh god, I'm guilty of the whole lot. You always promise yourself you will never sleep with an ex and then... it just happens.

Here's an advice: Never compare your man to another man (particularly the ex) in an unfavorable way. That usually leads to a fight.

Olly

6/13/2007 03:56:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Oh man I'm guilty of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7.

One of the most important things we should remember, do not cling. I think this usually puts men off. It's one thing to invest emotion in your relationship, but giving too much when he's already uncomfortable with it is another matter.

6/13/2007 04:31:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

I love the comments, LOL. Jordis, you forgot this, never sleep with your friend's ex!

6/13/2007 04:34:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

Yes, that too. A friend's ex is off limits. But what about a friend's brother? :P

6/13/2007 05:09:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

I was once guilty of doing all of those things. But it's different when you are already married. LOL

Now this is for the men: do not say your girlfriend/wife is fat, or that she looks tired, or that she is not at her best. Even if she IS gaining some weight, or she looks tired or not at her best, DO NOT tell her that. This is one of those very rare moments we actually appreciate it when men lie!

6/13/2007 05:29:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Petra! lol But it's true! One of the most important rules in a relationship - NEVER say she's fat. Do not even joke about it. What's wrong with smiling and saying "Honey, you are beautiful." I mean, you are with her right?!

Olly

6/13/2007 06:20:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Jordis, a friend's brother is very much free for the picking. And free for kissing! :P

6/13/2007 06:38:00 PM  

Anonymous Tinkerbell said...

You should never meet or go out with an ex, even if you don't have any feelings for him anymore, without telling your boyfriend first. I'm not saying ask for your boyfriend's permission, just inform him. Men can be weird about it.

6/13/2007 07:13:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

Danielle, lol!

And yes! Never tell a woman she's fat. Bad move... bad, bad move... Even if she asks if you think she's gaining weight, just say no. She knows she is chunking out. She is not asking for your confirmation, she is asking because she's looking for some assurance that you still find her hot!

6/13/2007 07:18:00 PM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

My god, it's all true. I'm guilty of 5 of them.

My advice: don't act like his mom and don't give him gifts his mom would buy. Like a blender or a microwave oven. Seriously! lol Don't transform from his lover to his mom!

6/13/2007 08:22:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Vanessa, exactly. It's the cardinal rule: never, ever, ever tell a woman she's fat.

Olly

6/13/2007 08:52:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Oh yes, god that's bad, acting like you're his mother. Speaking of moms, don't make a habit of complaining about your boyfriend's family to your boyfriend. They are still his family.

6/13/2007 09:12:00 PM  

Anonymous Ally said...

Oh yeah, never sleep with your ex's friend. And never tell a woman she's fat. My advice is, do not mention the word "fat". I'm sorry guys, but mentioning it or answering her is a no win situation.

6/13/2007 09:37:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

If there's one thing I learned from Katie Holmes it's that: Never change your religion just to please a man (especially when you've only been dating for a freaking month).

Wait. Make that: Never take Scientology as your religion so you can marry Tom Cruise.

Or, er, maybe it's simply: Never marry Tom Cruise? *confused* :/

6/13/2007 10:40:00 PM  

Blogger Duvy said...

Hahaha, I'm loving these.

I can understand telling your girl or guy that you're worries they're putting on weight IF IT'S FOR A GOOD REASON. If you're being asked for your opinion on it, lie like the Dickens! But, if you think it's getting to be unhealthy or it's something that they've specifically asked you to help them watch out for (maybe they're specifically trying to lose weight, so any gain would be hurtful), then I can understand pointing it out.

Danielle, I totally agree with the no complaining about his family. I even think the reverse is true. It's one thing if one of you is talking about your own family and the other person is agreeing with what you're saying, but if they're coming out of the blue and saying mean things when it's not an obvious occurrence right then, not cool.

And Harlot, ahahahahaha!

6/13/2007 11:04:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

GASP!!!!!! That is totally the name of one of my books. I'm all skipping through here, skimming the post because I'm a tard and I see Sex with your ex (didn't see the last half) and immediately, my stomach drops, my heart races and I think--OH, GOD. LOLLOL

And I swear this isn't a cheesy promo. I really DID panic :)

I'm happy to say I've never, ever had sex with my ex--nor would I evah suffer like that again. LMAO

Dakota :)

6/13/2007 11:20:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

OMG I love these! Ok, I'm guilty of 1.. 2.. 4.. 5.. 7... :S

Now, don't push away people you love and then set them up to fail you so you can tell yourself you were right to begin with. You think you are protecting yourself by not opening up to him. He tries harder but you shut away from him. You set such high standards and when he fails to meet up to them you get hurt, when it was impossible to get there to begin with.

6/13/2007 11:24:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Duvy, I agree about the fat thing. If it's a health issue, then it's ok. But anything else, lie your ass off!!! LOL

I'd like to add this to Ally's advice: do not mention the word "wrinkles" :P

Dakota, when is your new book coming out? :)

Harlot, LMAO!

6/13/2007 11:26:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Even if she asks if you think she's gaining weight, just say no. She knows she is chunking out. She is not asking for your confirmation, she is asking because she's looking for some assurance that you still find her hot!

I agree with Vanessa. But also with Duvy and Jolie. I could say a lot of things about why men should never mention the word fat, explain about body image, obsession, oppression, and why we can complain about our weight and men can't, but it's easier to just say: Except if you think her health is at risk, even if the world will end, NEVER TELL A WOMAN SHE'S FAT.


Dakota,
I didn't know your new book is titled "Sex with Your Ex". That's a good title i think. :D

6/13/2007 11:42:00 PM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

I can't believe this. I'd been guilty of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. If there were 8, 9, 10 ... 50, I think I'd be guilty of those as well!

Advice: Don't be insecure when you're out together. Men don't like women saying things like "you find her attractive, don't you?" and "she is so much prettier than me". Stop saying it. It irritates them a lot.

6/14/2007 12:01:00 AM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

Harlot, never marry Tom Cruise hahahaha!

I think there is nothing wrong with dating your friend's brother. I won't mind if a friend likes my brother, it's not up to me anyway. If my brother likes her too, that is actually a good thing. But I think there is a different rule with guys. Usually, they're like "dude, you're my best friend, hands off my sister".

6/14/2007 01:01:00 AM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

no, it was an old e-book I wrote. Like my second, I think.

The new one is a diff title and it comes out in Feb 08 :)

Thanks for asking.

DC :)

6/14/2007 01:06:00 AM  

Blogger Aggie said...

Harlot:

Ain't relationships complicated!

Who would be so daft as to marry Tom Cruise. Ewww! LOL!

(P.S. I'll help you with your singing lessons ... btw.)

6/14/2007 04:39:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Ladybug,
I totally agree. That's just irritating.

Dakota,
You know you are always welcome to promote here. :)

Aggie,
I don't know which one is worse, my singing or my cooking. Trollop, the patron saint of patience, one taught me how to cook some.. well, i can't remember. :/ The point is, she called it "cooking class for the retard 101", that bitch! :@ (I swear she's really evil. *sniff*)



One: I think you should never belittle his interests. Like making fun of his hobbies (no matter how odd they are). Don't do that. Or, demean his interest so he would take an interest or participate in yours. It's like saying, "I don't give a rat's ass about your interests but you'd better care about mine... that is, if you love me, baby?"

Two: If you don't want to see porn in his place, never look for it. You'll find it.

6/14/2007 07:04:00 AM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Duvy, I agree. The same thing goes for his friends. Your boyfriend will always have irritating friends, but when they are not doing anything wrong, stop complaining about them.

Anyone else who have never had sex with an ex? ... Anyone? Raise your hand... Dakota, you are making us look bad!

Harlot, you crack me up! LMAO

6/14/2007 08:17:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

I love this!

What can I say? Never invite his mother to stay.

6/14/2007 11:27:00 AM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

LOLLOL--sorry, Danielle, but I've only got one ex and he was meeeaaannn and not so good in the area of mattress' and sheets, if ya know what I mean.

So I wouodn't do him if I did him with another woman's body. LMAO

And thanks, Harlot, but I'm saving it all for one HUGE promotional sweep. I was just freaked by seeing the title.

DC :)

6/14/2007 12:52:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Here's what I think: do not air your dirty laundry in public. Don't yell at each other while you're on the street, don't tell your friends bad things about him when you're mad at him... things like that.

6/14/2007 01:46:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

LOL. Love the Tom Cruise bit.

Ladybug, I agree. In the first place, if he didn't like the way she looks, he wouldn't be with her.

Duvy, you're right. Tell her, ONLY if there is a good reason. ;)

Re: "I don't give a rat's ass about your interests but you'd better care about mine... that is, if you love me, baby?"

That is nothing but selfishness!

6/14/2007 02:19:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Isabella, I so agree. And keep each other's confidence. Those things you two share in confidence, like embarrassing confessions or some highly intimate things, those shouldn't be repeated.

6/14/2007 09:25:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

"If you don't want to see porn in his place, never look for it. You'll find it." LOL. I'm so loving this!

Danielle, yes for kissing practice. And yes, unless you want WWIII never tell a woman she's fat. Do not betray each other's secrets and may I just say, do not nag.

Oh. And do not give up sex. ;)

6/14/2007 09:39:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Oh yes! Don't betray each other's secrets. Big no no.

Jordis, I agree about not giving up sex, LOL. Don't drift into a sex rut. It isn't only because of the orgasms (who wouldn't like those eh?) but sex is one of the most important things couples share. And usually, when you stop having sex, that is when things start to go down the drain.

6/14/2007 11:19:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

And do not give up sex.

Ohhh, i totally agree with Jordis!
Sex is always important. I mean, do everything you can to avoid slipping into a sex rut. Men love sex. Women love sex! Don't let busy schedules crowd sex out. Not only does sex feel good and strengthen your relationship, it's like a reprieve from all the tension and turmoil of life. And it contributes to a longer and healthier body! ;P

6/15/2007 12:59:00 AM  

Blogger Jolie said...

I have to add this: stop criticizing when your partner is doing his best. You might have done it differently, made a yummier pesto by adding this and that, painted the room with a better color etc, but come on, he's trying his best. :)

6/15/2007 01:08:00 AM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Oh, never ever give up sex. LOL

6/15/2007 01:09:00 AM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

"stop criticizing when your partner is doing his best"

I like this one. I agree, let him have his moment.

6/16/2007 08:38:00 AM  

Blogger ZipSnipe said...

Sex with ex'es RULES!!! Why be negeative about it, why not? Its great if two people still care enough to give each other some release. I,m friends with all my ex'es and even through I,m married I still stay in contact with the ex'es, my ex'es are beautiful just like my wife so why throw that away?

6/18/2007 07:07:00 AM  

Blogger Petra said...

Zipsnipe, forgive my nosiness but are you telling us you still sleep with your exes now that you are married? I think that's the mother of all relationship no-nos.

6/18/2007 08:49:00 PM  

Anonymous terrie said...

hi there. i was reading this particular post of yours and just like the rest of the comments.. i must say yes it is true how things like these can happen. but the question i have today is... i have broken rule #2 and i want to get the pictures back.. how do i do it? what if he doesn't want to return it or what if he returns it but has made copies of them before returning me the original or...? what about videos? i've thought about this many times.. even before i did it but i don't know why i did it anyway. i just don't know what i should do now. help!

6/21/2007 03:01:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Terrie, i don't know what to tell you. :/ I'm not clear about some stuff. Are you talking about a guy you're still with or an ex? If so, did you guys separate on good terms? If this is really bothering you, if you're still with this guy, there's nothing to do but ask him for the pics. If he's an ex, do the same thing (or ask him not to share them). The thing is, you can never be sure he didn't make copies. :S Welcome and good luck!

6/21/2007 07:29:00 AM  

Anonymous terrie said...

Harlot, thanks for the prompt reply. I wasn't really expecting a reply but I was surely hoping for it.

Anyway, I am still with the guy. I'm just worrried about the "what-if's" in this relationship. For example, "what if we were to break up one day?" I've asked him to return it to me before but he always tells me that he will never show them to anyone else. Honestly, I trust him but then again..who knows~! I've still got doubts and I feel if i don't get those pictures/videos back.. I'll never be able to live in peace for the rest of my life. Of course, unless I'm still with him! (But then again..)

I guess there is really nothing much that I can do other than the suggested which I have done before time and time again.

However, I want to thank you again for trying to help. By the way, I failed to mention that this blog is incredibly interesting. I love it! Just for your information, I've bookmarked this page. Will be looking forward to your posts!

6/22/2007 01:10:00 AM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Terrie, this happened to me too. I think that in cases like this, there is nothing we can do but learn from the experience. I asked my ex if I could get the videos back but he refused. He said the videos are his remembrance of me. In light of the good times we had together, he promised me not to share them with no one else and I'd like to think he'd keep his word. So far, no videos of my naked self in the internet. LOL

6/22/2007 01:58:00 AM  

Anonymous terrie said...

Jolie, my boyfriend said the same thing that he's only keeping them for remembrance. Thank you Jolie. After I read that you've experienced the same thing and your video is not "out there", I find myself rather relieved. But still it scares me everytime I think about it. I just hope I won't be one of those unlucky ones. This is my first experience and yeap I'm learning from it..to never do something like that again! Not even with my husband (in the future)! Thanks again!

6/22/2007 05:31:00 PM  

Blogger Babz said...

Hey lovelies, I'm a lurker but.. Guilty of 3,4,5,6,7.

Never change your religion/beliefs for a guy.
Please, PLEASE get those naked pics/vids back from your guy.
As my grandmama always say, "Men are tin plates. You can drop 'em, bang 'em, run 'em over with a truck but they can always get back to their original shape. Girls are china plates. One chip and you'll never be the same again."

6/23/2007 11:27:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hi Babz, welcome. Hope you'd join us often. (Wave to Terrie!)

I'd like to think i'm stronger than a china plate. ;) But i agree, if you can get those naked pics/videos, get them back. And yes, never change your beliefs for a guy. Look at Katie Holmes. :/

6/24/2007 11:22:00 AM