Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Suck me, baby

Whilst perusing Love Honey *wink* I came across (no pun intended) this very unique toy called Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator...

The Seducer (AKA: “less suction, more vibration”) and The Introducer (AKA: “more suction, less vibration”). Heh, sounds more like romance novel titles than a BOB... Or, maybe not.

Attach to your vacuum cleaner and you’ll never moan about doing the Hoovering!

Place Vortex over the clitoris against the labia. Suction will immediately increase blood flow to the clitoris causing it to enlarge and become sensitive. Move the slider down and the clitoris itself starts to vibrate, fluttering like a reed in a saxophone. By adjusting the slider upward or downward, YOU control the rate of vibration.

Excuse me, *choke* say what? Attach it to a VACUUM CLEANER and put that freaky thing over my clit??? *gasp* *shock* ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!?

First of all, I doubt my clit will “flutter like a reed in a saxophone” (WTF?). Second of all, I’m pritti sure my “little man in a boat” will die of a little clit panic attack asking why in god’s name I ever let it come into contact with a fucking vacuum cleaner! (I’m quite fond of my clit, thank you.) (If you want to know more how this BOB aberration works, check out this video.)

You know, all the vacuuming in my house is done by my love slaves (well, they don’t want me to do any work... *long suffering sigh*) so, yes, I’ve yet to use a vacuum cleaner. But even I know folks use it to suck up dust and dirt and all kinds of horrors. Hel-looooo? I’m talking about bugs, poop and god-knows what! Honestly, I’m all up to dirty DIRRRTY *rarr* sex, but this stupid contraption “attachments” will suck the life out of your “pleasure nubbin” by an unhygienic Dirt Devil!!! *shudder*

I think I’m going to have a word with Eduardo and Edmundo about their vacuuming... :/ I mean, now that I can’t stop thinking about this (I can’t!—jeez, look at that thing!), I’m crossing my legs in fear of a vacuum cleaner getting anywhere near my precious bits! I can just imagine the damn machine calling me: “Haaaarlot, ohhh looovey, let me hoooover around your coooochie...” *suck*suck*suck* Oh good lord, AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Oh, and oh ho ho, if you think that this couldn’t get any weirder, check this out:

I say, the only rug that requires vacuuming are the ones on the floor. And, please, let’s leave wanking with household appliances to the boys. :/


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43 comment(s):

Blogger Vanessa said...

OMG! Hahahaha! That was really funny, Harlot.

I've never heard of this thing but I heard of boys hooking up vacuum cleaner to themselves :-S

7/18/2007 11:58:00 AM  

Blogger Trying2BMe said...

I can't even begin to tell you how wrong this is. There is no way in the cosmos we are suppose to group together one of the things we loathe (house cleaning) with one of the purest pleasures (masturbation).

Not to mention OUCH!!!... hope no one attaches this bad boy to the Kirby or the Dyson. If either is attempted you could lose it or change your name to Dick!

7/18/2007 01:04:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Trying2beme, i know! Besides, i don't know about your clitorises, ladies, but mine is too sensitive to be sucked by a machine with a suction velocity that's usually, what, 80-100 mph? OUCH.

7/18/2007 02:20:00 PM  

Anonymous Andy said...

LMAO! This must be invented by a guy!
Is this strictly only for women? Although, I can't imagine a sane guy putting his dick inside those tubes...

7/18/2007 02:53:00 PM  

Anonymous Archiebald said...

Ladies, we don't really use vacuums as a sex toy. That is a lie.

7/18/2007 04:17:00 PM  

Blogger Jerseygirl said...

Actually, I did hear about a guy putting his utensil in a central vac outlet and doing serious damage to himself. Could be fabricated, but somehow I don't think so.

7/18/2007 04:30:00 PM  

Anonymous Archiebald said...

Jersey, love, he was only pretending.

7/18/2007 04:39:00 PM  


Archiebald - are you sure that men don't use vacuums as a sex toy? I'm kind of relieved to hear you say that, because this means I must surely be suffering from false memory syndrome and was not, in fact, an unforgivably dirty and lusty little pervert in my youth. Phew.

Harlot - Hi. Nice to see you again. How are you doing? Look, keep that contraption well away from yourself, okay? Trust me, that way lies trouble. I'm just saying.

Kind regards etc


7/18/2007 05:06:00 PM  

Blogger Ra-Ra-Ra-Rachel said...

Wow. Actually ... that's all I can say. Wow.

Oh and No way is that thing coming anywhere NEAR me.

7/18/2007 05:33:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

What happened to the good ol dildos without vacuum cleaners? I don't like overstimulating the clitoris. Sometimes it is too sensitive that instead of arousing you, it feels painful.

Good post. Still laughing. ;-)


7/18/2007 05:37:00 PM  

Blogger Divia said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7/18/2007 06:07:00 PM  

Blogger Divia said...

lmfaoooo that ish it too frickin hilarious!!! much as i love to try new things, i'd pass on that

7/18/2007 06:11:00 PM  

Anonymous donna said...

Now, there's a lawsuit I'd like to read about in the Times.

7/18/2007 07:01:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol! Do they think that all of a sudden housework will get more popular? No way hose! HaHaHa!

7/19/2007 01:19:00 AM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

No way! LOL! And what about that bald guy on the video? The way he smiles... man, talk about creepy.

7/19/2007 07:33:00 AM  

Blogger Isabella said...

"My little man in a boat will die of a little clit panic attack"

LMAO! This is probably the weirdest BOB I have ever seen. Besides the vacuum cleaner, it reminds me of cows.

7/19/2007 08:28:00 AM  

Blogger Babz said...


What. The fuck.

That woman is creepy!!!! And so does the man!!! Can't they at least get someone good looking for advertising?? GAH!

7/19/2007 08:37:00 AM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Babz, are you telling us if the woman is not creepy and they used a hot guy to advertise it, would you buy this vacuum cleaner vibrator? If yes, please let us know if it will really give you the "best orgasm you've ever had" and I might get it too! :P

7/19/2007 08:48:00 AM  

Anonymous AngelThai said...

It hurts whenever I accidentally put my fingers into the vacuum hose. What more if it's my clitoris?

Rock on Book Bitches. I love your blog...!


7/19/2007 09:08:00 AM  

Anonymous 2nd Amdt said...

Now, come on, there have to be advantages to something like this...

-- No worry about having to keep stocked up on batteries, just plug in to any outlet; though it would prove more difficult to travel with. I suppose you could ask the hotel to borrow their vacuum when you're on vacation instead of packing your own.

-- No worry about explaining the extra vacuum attachment to your nosy mother-in-law the next time she's snooping around your bedroom (It's a new crevice tool that I'm trying out ... )

7/19/2007 12:03:00 PM  

Blogger Babz said...


you know what, if they weren't so creepy.. Yes. Yes I'd buy it. And try it. I am just that nasty. I'm sorry.

1. It is too expensive (30 pounds? HUH!!)
2. For a woman who's advertising a gadget that brings you the greatest orgasm of your life.. uh.. she's not looking too great, if I am not being too bitchy. Is that what 2 minutes orgasms give you?? I'll pass.

7/19/2007 02:46:00 PM  

Anonymous karamia said...

Who the hell wants to only take 2 minutes to orgasm anyway? Leave that to the boys, I'll take my time thank you. And I think it's downright creepy to get so intimate with something that you use to suck up all the cat hair and dust around the house.

7/19/2007 03:32:00 PM  

Blogger Mailyn said...

LMFAO!!! OMG that thing is wrong in so many ways, and I think you nailed every one of them. Vacuum cleaner?!?! Hells no!

7/19/2007 05:28:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Babz, LOL! But there has to be some women who like this thing. Well, it says so on that site. But think about it. Won't your vajayjay feel numb after all that strong sucking?

7/19/2007 06:36:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

"No worry about explaining the extra vacuum attachment to your nosy mother-in-law the next time she's snooping around your bedroom"

I have to agree on this. But there will be some hell of explaining to do if, for some reason, your mother-in-law knows about this thing.

a) She would know you're using your freakin vacuum cleaner to get yourself off.

b) She must have one too! Why else would she know about it?

7/19/2007 06:41:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

And to think I use my vacuum cleaner sucking up ants and cat hair. I could have been having the best orgasms of my life instead!

7/19/2007 07:08:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Lollie, or she reads the BBs too... ;) I never thought "vacuum cleaner" and "get yourself off" would be used in the same sentence when it's pertaining to women.


7/19/2007 08:08:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Olly, yes.

Also, imagine this scenario: son calling his mother who is coming to visit them.

Son: Hey mom, I'm just calling to confirm your flight this weekend... And [wife] says... err, to bring your own vacuum cleaner. (confused)

7/19/2007 08:26:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Jordis, ants and clitorises should never ever be together. Ouch, ouch, ouch!

7/19/2007 08:39:00 PM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

Holy crapoly! Lmao!

I can't stop laughing - this is hilarious. What on earth are people inventing these days.... *shaking head* lol

7/19/2007 09:27:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Boys don't really use vacuums as sex toys? LOL Now you're just pulling our legs. :P

I'm okay, thanks. Anyway, i should tell you, i now view vacuum cleaners as "the enemy". Uh-hmm..

YES! They should have at least used someone very very VEEERY good looking bloke to advertise it. That would distract me from focusing on how stupid, er, SCARY this thing is! I mean if that guy was replaced by a Raoul-looking lovemuffin, i would no doubt be dazzled and might even end up buying the product just so i could imagine him using it on meeee!!!

7/20/2007 06:35:00 AM  


Viewing vacuum cleaners as the enemy, Harlot, is a staggeringly corrupt way to look at the world. I like it.

I've probably been a wee bit harsh on my vacuum cleaner, actually, because we enjoyed some good times together. Movies, dinner, promenading on the sea front - it wasn't only about the sex for me. I was a sensitive little perv and tried to treat "her" real special. She was just a bit rough in bed, is all. I miss her sometimes.

Okay, I should stop right about there.

Glad to hear you seem to be doing okay.

Kind regards etc.....


7/20/2007 12:02:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

TPE, why, you poor sensitive man. Shame on "her" for being so rough! Honestly, when you finally "open up" and let your lover "hoover" around you, they become this monster and all they want is to suck, suck, suck! Shameless heathens, i tell you!


7/20/2007 01:35:00 PM  

Blogger Virginia, like the state! said...

Bleh. What freak of a man thought this one up?! How the hell is that supposed to be pleasurable?!

7/20/2007 03:11:00 PM  


Okay Harlot, you win - this time. I have flinched in the face of your exciting talent to out-gross the grosser. I thought I might leave you reeling with my loving memories of vacuuming - I was wrong.

It seems you are able to ride these blows and come back both stronger and filthier. I need to lie down shortly, of course, but I will be thinking of ways to get even as I do so. Right now, however, I am just a little bit frightened and feel a sudden need to call my mum.

Always a pleasure to cross your path, funny Harlot.

Kind regards etc.....


7/21/2007 08:27:00 AM  

Anonymous Wen said...

Lmao that's hilarious! As they say, necessity is the mother of invention -- frustration certainly is!

7/25/2007 04:59:00 AM  

Anonymous Nortumbre said...

LOL! That was frikin hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

I agree on everything you've said. You nailed it. A vacuum CLEANER should only be used for cleaning.

7/26/2007 10:05:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually like this toy. I'll admit I had to wrap my head around the idea of using a vacuum cleaner as well. I just headed out to Wal-Mart and purchased a hand vac you could use to vacuum your car.

There was a small learning curve, but once I got the hang of it DAMN! The first orgasm was quick to come, intense I found it to be a unique sensation, after the first one I kept going till I was exhausted. After I had sex with my boyfriend and while riding him like the Lone Ranger we climaxed together (which never happens unless I'm rubbing my clitoris at the same time) It delivered as it promised.

7/27/2007 08:04:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Anon, i'm glad it works for you. I suppose i'm just not into this. I don't see myself vacuuming my way to orgasm. ;)

7/27/2007 01:04:00 PM  

Anonymous Cisco said...

Vacuum cleaner is a passable sex toy. At least for the boys. One of my naughtiest moments.

7/28/2007 05:49:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Cisco, LOL. Well, let us know if you ever try the vortex. ;) Welcome and hope you join us often.

7/29/2007 10:33:00 AM  

Anonymous Ian said...

Yeah, fine, vacuum yourself. That is if you want your fallopian tubes hanging out to your knees. Weirdness.

8/04/2007 02:03:00 PM  

Blogger Tara Champagne Dean said...

Okay, that guy is just creepy looking. I would never buy something from him and would be very suppicous of him if I had to sell him a coffee at work.

Second of all the only time I think someone would use that is on American Pie or Jim fucking a pie...why not a girl fucking a vaccume cleaner..ha ha

8/10/2007 03:47:00 AM