Friday, May 26, 2006

Spanking the monkey, petting the weasel, tickling the chicken


Trollop’s “The Big Cock Theory” article from last week, has become one of our most debated articles to date. As much as I and many of our readers loved and enjoyed it, both Trollop’s and my BF (and some other male visitors) questioned this figure regarding masturbation:

Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000.

Apparently, that is tremendously low—low enough to cause some extreme rebuff from the ones who have penises, with a resounding retort that an average male will pass the 2,000 mark way before the end of puberty. I think they saw this as an insult of sorts? Well, honestly, forgive us non-cock owners!


You know, when Trollop was gathering facts and came upon the said stats, we both thought, “2,000? It can’t be that low...” We actually considered altering the figures, but since we couldn’t back them up with surveys and proper numbers (like the others we had presented), we decided to stick with the conducted study (albeit the wanking info being questionable LOL). Besides, we thought that if our readers called us on it, they could give their own opinions, based on their facts or their own reality, then we could all have a good discussion. *wink*

Now, since I’m a kinky bitch, *g* what was I to do but research more about this practice: the so called “joy of self-loving.” Well, you know, just for you guys. After all, what would I do with all that info? :P


According to history:

From the Sumerians, who invented the first written Western language, we find references to the Mesopotamian god Enki masturbating, his ejaculation filling the Tigris River with flowing water.

Male masturbation became an even more important image in ancient Egyptian cosmology... According to one major creation myth the god Atum appeared on the Primordial Mound out of the void of Nu. As the first “thing” in the midst of nothingness, Atum relieved his loneliness by masturbating. His ejaculation resulted in the appearance of the first god and goddess, Shu and Tefnut, who became the parents of all other elements of the world. An alternate version indicates that the god Ptah, architect of the universe, maintains cosmic order through continual masturbation.

OMG, LOL. With these kinds of fables, it’s no wonder masturbation was such a big taboo. Surely they didn’t want people creating rivers and nations left and right so they had to regulate the sperm production! Seriously, wanking-off created the earth??? Oh LOL!


In the 1700s and 1800s, masturbation was first associated with mental and physical deficiencies. In fact, over 60% of medical and mental illnesses were blamed on masturbation. It caused so much fear that *gasp* preventative measures were introduced just to stop it!

Here are some examples of anti-masturbation devices (I swear I’m NOT making this up!):
  • Stephenson Spermatic Truss - Patented in 1876, this device placed the penis in a pouch, and then stretched and tied down between the legs, which made erection impossible. Stephenson changed his device slightly 21 years later, adding a metal hood under which the penis could move freely. Any erection would drive the penis against painful spikes.
  • Bowen Device - This device was like a cup that was placed over the head of the penis and attached to pubic hair by chains and clips. When the wearer got an erection, the pubic hair would be plucked painfully and the wearer would have to respond.
Ouch. That had to have hurt. *squirming nutter smiley* I mean, come on, no sane person would actually wear those! I don’t give a flying fuck if I go stark raving mad or sprout another head—were I a man, there’s NOOO WAY any of those evil devices would be getting anywhere near my precious cock.


Thankfully, in the 20th century, the idiots who called themselves specialists finally began questioning the stupidity of linking masturbation to illnesses. In 1948, the Kinsey Report showed that intercourse and masturbation were activities not only for procreation but also for pleasure. It turned many people to thinking that if the majority of the population masturbated, then why should anyone be ashamed of it?


Today, it’s generally accepted that masturbation is a common, safe and normal practice which occurs in some form or other, in most stages of life, from infancy to adulthood, in both males and females. That all the moronic myths aren’t true: it’s not evil nor harmful, it will most definitely not make you blind (Trollop can still see after all), insane, grow hair on your palms—neither is the imbecilic assumption that only the desperate for sex or those too ugly to “get any” are the only ones doing it. Otherwise, most people would be hairy, insane blind oafs!—because most people do it! In fact, many people masturbate throughout their lives whether they have a sexual partner or not.

Actually, watching your partner masturbate can be very, very sexy, and even helpful. A flicker there, a rub here, a stroke in just the right place... Watch and learn, I say. Nothing better than a wanking expert LOL.

Interesting links:

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62 comment(s):

Blogger Valeen said...

Geezus ... those are some serious torture techniques, wonder how many men actually used those devices?

On a side note - WOW love that set of photos. I may have to make a wallpaper out of them, LOL. But in the second one my first thought was goddamn it I think he's skinner than I am there.

5/26/2006 09:10:00 AM  

Blogger Aggie said...

Hes gorgeous. Who him? Where him? And I'd like to wear him!
I just dumped nekked chef Brian - hes been surpassed!
I'm in love!

5/26/2006 09:22:00 AM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

Antimasturbation devices? Surely those were invented by sick bastards.

That aside, who is this guy? Now, I have to say OMG, LOL.

5/26/2006 09:42:00 AM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

OMG, Picture #3 Mmmm....

Who is this man?

Harlot, great article!

5/26/2006 10:01:00 AM  

Anonymous vanessa said...

Oh wow. Come to momma!

5/26/2006 10:35:00 AM  

Anonymous moi said...

Is that true? That myth about the gods jerking off? Euw. LOL

Did those devices really sell? I mean, who would really buy those? Rings with spike? Those are some heavy BDSM if you ask me, LOL.

Loooooove the eye-candy!

5/26/2006 12:19:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enough with the half-naked men!
Harlot could be blog about a Stephen King book and still post naked men all over!

I guess it's safe to assume she's on the "majority of the population" group.

Why don't we ever get half-naked women? Sexists!

We DEMAND eye-candy for men & lesbians!

Traci, from Ohio

5/26/2006 12:43:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

That guy is a babe. Now, in that second pic he's skinier than a 16 year old anorexic crack-head.

As for the devices, I don't see how anyone would wear those willingly. Did they go out and actually buy those on their own free will? Cause they were sick bastards if they did. I imagine those using the second one were practically hairless LOL

As for what Traci said, I agree with her 100%. Harlot could be talking about catholic nuns and still post naked men. Actually she HAVE done that!!!!

For traci and any other lesbians and men, we'll try to look into the half-naked women. Harlot will be most happy to oblige :P

5/26/2006 12:57:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

We need a fucking spell-check thingy here. My comments are always full of mispelled words and stupid typos! grrrrr

5/26/2006 01:06:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

"Harlot could be talking about catholic nuns and still post naked men. Actually she HAVE done that!!!!"

Well, you know, i have an excuse!! :@ Besides, this is your fault anyway! I was an innocent girl before i met you..

Hullo, Traci! :D

5/26/2006 01:35:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh btw, i agree. We need spell check here. Told Tisty i'll look into it. (wave to Tisty!)

Anyone who knows how to put those? Not sure if it's available here for comments.. :S

5/26/2006 01:39:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Love the article! Love the eyecandy!

Great way to start my day. Sigh. LOL Thanks BBs!


5/26/2006 01:45:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Harlot, why not add a little poll on the bottom... who does and who doesn't. Get our own stats!

There's something very arousing about seeing a guy play with himself :P Nice Harlot!

5/26/2006 02:07:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Btw, I believe he looks thin in that 2nd pic because he's sucking it in and arching his back, ya know, getting ready for something :P

5/26/2006 02:11:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

HM stats for women or men? Because being honest here, I think all men do it and most women too, though a lot are shy to admit it :P

I'll start then, I do it, bf does it and we do it together *wink* :P

5/26/2006 03:31:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

and BTW, I'm not blind yet, as Harlot so kindly commented (grrr) but I'm ridiculous near-sighted LOL -4.25 R and -4.50 L. Perhaps those batty old doctors weren't that crazy after all LOL Perhaps I should stop petting the beaver or whatever that's called? LOL LOL

5/26/2006 03:35:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Great article Harlot! I followed the links too, those techniques are very hot, LOL. I can say I learned a thing or two today. :P

5/26/2006 04:44:00 PM  

Blogger My Friends Call Me Lola said...

Great article but the pictures started my holiday weekend off perfectly!

5/26/2006 05:30:00 PM  

Anonymous kat said...

omg this guy is gorgeous.

i have to agree with harlot. wanking with your partner is hot lol.

5/26/2006 07:06:00 PM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

How could anyone not like this guy? Look at him arching his back.... DAMN. Yum LOL

As for the article, very educational ladies. :) Love it!

5/26/2006 07:13:00 PM  

Anonymous jordis said...

I love those masturbation techniques!

I've done some already and will definitely try the other ones. That riding the seam of your jeans is a gift. It's simple and I've always done this even at work, and no one even notices and it never fails to make me come. LOL

Never thought of that bottle sucking. Sounds good to me. :P

5/26/2006 07:53:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

How could anyone forget the rabbit? It's still one of the best way to masturbate. :P That little pink dude with its flapping ears, sigh. LOL

I bought one after I saw it from Sex and the City. Definitely worth every penny. :)

5/26/2006 08:15:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Oh, did I mention that guy is HOT! OMG. I would love to watch him while he's whacking off LOL.

Love this article. Thanks ladies! :D

5/26/2006 08:18:00 PM  

Blogger Saddle Up said...

Cool article... sexy man...

5/26/2006 08:39:00 PM  

Anonymous Rosalinda said...

I believe masturbation is still a big taboo in other countries, especially for women. It's sad that religion actually plays a role in preventing women to enjoy their bodies more. When are these religious sects going to realize there's nothing wrong with masturbation? It's safe, you won't get STD and it's very helpful with relieving tension.

Anyway, Harlot, seriously, who is this guy?! He's very sexy. LOL

5/26/2006 08:51:00 PM  

Blogger Helena said...

Wooo-oo! I wanna kiss all his beauty spots all the way down that hot bod. Taking my time over dinner ... *wink*
When I finally go to that great (male) harem in the sky, I want them all to pretty much look like this guy ... an endless supply ...
I'll happily watch, help and assist them for all eternity.

5/26/2006 08:53:00 PM  

Anonymous Tisty said...

Just a thought.....

a)traditionally masturbation kills the brain cells (if done properly :P)

b)Most people in the world are idiots.

c) a+b= most people masturbate~!

It might not be as scientific as a survey, but I think it still works!

Great article bitches and *sigh* magnificent pics. Almost makes scientific enquiry fun!

5/26/2006 08:56:00 PM  

Anonymous marge said...

OMG I LOVE THIS! AND HIM! Oh what a him. Drool.

Truly a perfect ending for a tiring week. :) Thanks ladies, you rock!

5/26/2006 09:05:00 PM  

Anonymous lori said...

Elf ear?

I'll definitely try that. While imagining Orlando Bloom. ;)

5/26/2006 10:47:00 PM  

Anonymous hehesnort said...

Haha...another great article ladies. Well I don't want Trollop to be the only one whacking and yes...I too am guilty of a little "alone time" with my removable shower head! Like I said before...the bf doesn't, well, not for himself ;) but I get headaches if I don't get off 30 seconds in the shower and I'm set! And I agree...rubbing one out in front of someone is a)the most intimate expression you can give to someone else and b) HOT HOT HOT
Now you've gone and got me all worked up...hahaha

5/26/2006 11:51:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...


Tks! They'd left me quite alone. Just got home and saw my poor little orphan whacking-off confession there. Glad someone else is dishing the dirty! LOL

Go on and use your shower head lol. It isn't an electric appliance though is it? Cause you know, that stuff is dangerous! Harlot has a horror story about that- the electric appliance as sex toy thing I mean lol not the shower head- but you know, with her you can never be sure :P

5/27/2006 12:01:00 AM  

Anonymous Tisty said...

Hay trollop, I never said I wasn't an idiot! I was just trying to help you get more acurate statistics :P

5/27/2006 03:47:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Trollop, that was a long time ago! Grr. I was young and too horny. *shy* And seriously, it's not my fault. I didn't know you're not suppose to mount it... *confused*


Err, anyway, LOL, of course i too do it, BF does it, and we do it. :P Btw, you guys, did you check out the links? There are some very interesting techniques there, just in case you miss those. ;)

Hullo Tisty!

5/27/2006 03:57:00 AM  

Blogger Marg said...

I don't know about elf ear or the meat one where you take a warm sausage.....

5/27/2006 05:58:00 AM  

Blogger Marg said...

No fair...the boys get pictures!!

5/27/2006 06:00:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

I just read those techniques, and some of those are very weird. Warm sausage, elf ear, wet huge Maxi pad, stuffed animal? errrr, what's wrong with the regular finger/hand thing? ;/

5/27/2006 08:24:00 AM  

Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

2000 ejaculations from masturbation is definitely way below normal! I'll bet the average horny Catholic priest beats that figure! Most of us wouldn't exceed it by the time we went through puberty (even I didn't wank THAT much!) but by the time we got out of high school, it would almost be a sure thing! I mean once a day for about 6 years would easily do it! Let's see...I'm 65 and still wanking so....oh forget it!...I don't think my calculator goes that high! Cheers to you all!

5/27/2006 09:42:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Babe, i was talking more of the male techniques. ;) Did you check those out? Very educational LOL. Though can't help but think that there are actually people who make these kind of sites and take pics/videos of themselves wanking.

And yes, some of those techniques for women are very weird. :/ Anyway, if some women get off through those, well, good for them. :)

5/27/2006 09:55:00 AM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

I just have to come back and look at him again. Sigh.

Harlot, I'll look into those links later. I'm guessing they're not work-safe. :P

5/27/2006 10:45:00 AM  

Anonymous pixi said...

I agree with Trollop. For me, the old finger trick is still the best way to masturbate.

Great article, Harlot. :)

5/27/2006 11:10:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

That sausage thing is still on my mind. Do you think you smell like BBQ down there after that? Sausage flavored vagina LOL

And the elf ear, that's way too creepy!!!!!!!!

5/27/2006 11:31:00 AM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Lol, I thought the same thing with your links Harlot. VERY educational and no fair, boys get video instructions!

I admit, I'm guilty too, er, enlightened :) Only for a quarter of my adult life though. Better late than never. Can't believe what I've been missing out on!

Hand then jack, just jack or a real quickie on a pool jet. Outrageous!

Never talked about it with DH. Maybe that can be a new adventure :P

5/27/2006 11:34:00 AM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

Well I guess I better come out then. LOL. Yep, I take care of myself too. Hey, a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do! But honestly, this is a relief b/c women just don't feel comfortable talking about this stuff (or admitting to it).

Now, who's next to confess?

5/27/2006 03:41:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

I confess it all
(Especially for stealing the photos of this gorgeous man and re-posting on my Blog, sorry Harlot)
I'm a sex starved do it yourselfer from way back in Jurassic Park ancient times ... you know puberty...
(I never did understand why some women said they couldn't get/have/experience orgasms?)
(but maybe I was just ahead of my time)
Everything will change once I have "The Boys" details of course. We can share/care/dare this together forever! OLE!

5/27/2006 07:56:00 PM  

Anonymous ryssa scott said...

It's true. Everyone masturbates and those who say otherwise is lying or probably has a very low sex drive.

I checked those links out and boy I'm glad I did! I didn't know there are actually names you can call those techniques by. The favorite full fist grip haha! Not to mention there are others I didn't know of and will definitely try with the boyfriend soon. ;)

5/27/2006 08:24:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Oh Harlot.......

I heard thru the blog grapevine that you're holding out on us....;)

Something about 3 pics of sexy wanker that you didn't display...Hmmm?

Ok, since you're not feelin well, I'll let you off easy :P Feel better :)

5/27/2006 09:22:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Hot damn, I almost missed this blog! This is what happens when you try to be the nice girlfriend and spend the weekend with your boyfriend's friends. What was I thinking? They can't give me pointers like these!

Now onto the topic at hand. I for one am guilty of always fiddling the chickie, LOL. As Harlot said, there's nothing wrong with that, right girls? In any case, I have to get off at least once a day or it will drive me bonkers if I don't.

Love your blog, Harlot, Trollop. :)

5/27/2006 11:13:00 PM  

Blogger ......meandering said...

Oh my. Those photos are beautiful.

5/27/2006 11:21:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hi Danielle. :D Honey, LOL I saw you're having problem with posting comment? :P It's probably just blogger. Anyway, welcome to all our new visitors. Hope you guys post often!

LOL Trust me, nothing much you haven't seen yet. ;) Besides, i always share my boys with you guys. Even if i know you dirty women will lust over them! LOL :P Even, apparently, when i was talking about nuns. Hm, didn't notice really.. :/

Not sure why i've been sick! Been hurting so much sometime i can't even move. Grr. I hate this. :(

5/27/2006 11:34:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Harlot, durlin, you are more than generous with your hotties and porn and stuff;) lol

Pettin the beaver, fiddlin the chickie,....any other phrases?? I like "wanking" :P lol

5/28/2006 12:09:00 AM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Thanks Harlot. :) I kept typing but my comment just won't appear on this damn box. After I refreshed the page, that's when I saw all the ones I posted. I didn't want to appear like an idiot so I just erased the duplicates. LOL

Hi Hotmama, I know what you mean. I read some called it "tickling the pickle". :P But those animal names are the most popular.

5/28/2006 12:56:00 AM  

Blogger Hitler's brain said...

Women are scary!

Dubya, make them go away!!!!!!

Masturbation and castration AREN'T warm fuzzies!!!!

5/28/2006 01:01:00 AM  

Anonymous noni said...

OMG this guy is yummy. Yum yum yum. :P

5/28/2006 01:46:00 AM  

Anonymous Shosh said...

OMG, even masturbation takes too much effort. Can someone just do that for me?! I am all for orgasm without investment on my part!

5/28/2006 05:56:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Bashing the candle, beating the weasel, bleedin' the weed, buffing the banana, bopping the baloney, burping the worm, choking the chicken, cleaning your rifle, corking the bat, cranking the shank, cuffing the carrot, fisting your mister, flogging your dog, floggin' the frog, flogging the hog, flogging the log, flute solo, jerkin' the gherkin.


Looping the mule, manual override, painting the pickle, pocket pinball, pocket pool, polishing the banister, polishing the rocket, pounding your flounder, pumping the python, roping the pony, spanking the monkey, teasing the weasel, tossing the turkey, walking the dog, whipping the willy, wonking your cronker, yanking the crank.

Seriously, i like "wanking". :/

5/28/2006 10:09:00 AM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

LMAO, Harlot! That is quite a list. I think I prefer "Wanking" too, LOL.

Did you google slang for masturbation or did you know those off the top of your head?

5/28/2006 10:30:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hey Vixen,
I got them from the dictionary of wanking. Or is it wanking dictionary? Yes, google. Just, you know, for research. :P Of course, those who know/want to chime in other terms, feel free to post them here LOL.

5/28/2006 11:00:00 AM  

Anonymous horny old goat said...

Harlot, you forgot the common ones:

jerking off
jacking off
whacking off
cranking on out
slapping the salami
beating the meat

5/28/2006 12:35:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...


I also like, "roping the pony" and "cleaning you rifle" !

Some of them just sound too painful :P

5/28/2006 09:53:00 PM  

Blogger paint my cheeks red said...

oh my. don't you girls have a .gif file for this? lol

great post indeed. and the guy. oh my. i would love to be a housefly on a wall just to watch him wank relentlessly.

then i'd fly and land on his cock. lol

5/30/2006 04:12:00 AM  

Blogger Cocoa said...

bencaci, papy ou yah el hote

6/03/2006 11:20:00 PM  

Anonymous Jane said...

Interesting article. I asked my boyfriend (who is 43) about the frequency he masturbates, and he estimated that from the time he hit puberty, it has been about 4 times a week. He said it has decreased after he hit 35 or so, but it was more frequent before then. So at four times a week for 30 years, that would put the number around 6000+. Interestingly, he also considers it basic biological maintenance (lol), like drinking water.

I can't say that I'm at anywhere near that number, although I do "ride the seams" fairly often.

6/30/2008 03:16:00 PM