Spanking the monkey, petting the weasel, tickling the chicken
Trollop’s “The Big Cock Theory” article from last week, has become one of our most debated articles to date. As much as I and many of our readers loved and enjoyed it, both Trollop’s and my BF (and some other male visitors) questioned this figure regarding masturbation:
Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000.
Apparently, that is tremendously low—low enough to cause some extreme rebuff from the ones who have penises, with a resounding retort that an average male will pass the 2,000 mark way before the end of puberty. I think they saw this as an insult of sorts? Well, honestly, forgive us non-cock owners!
You know, when Trollop was gathering facts and came upon the said stats, we both thought, “2,000? It can’t be that low...” We actually considered altering the figures, but since we couldn’t back them up with surveys and proper numbers (like the others we had presented), we decided to stick with the conducted study (albeit the wanking info being questionable LOL). Besides, we thought that if our readers called us on it, they could give their own opinions, based on their facts or their own reality, then we could all have a good discussion. *wink*
Now, since I’m a kinky bitch, *g* what was I to do but research more about this practice: the so called “joy of self-loving.” Well, you know, just for you guys. After all, what would I do with all that info? :P
According to history:
From the Sumerians, who invented the first written Western language, we find references to the Mesopotamian god Enki masturbating, his ejaculation filling the Tigris River with flowing water.
Male masturbation became an even more important image in ancient Egyptian cosmology... According to one major creation myth the god Atum appeared on the Primordial Mound out of the void of Nu. As the first “thing” in the midst of nothingness, Atum relieved his loneliness by masturbating. His ejaculation resulted in the appearance of the first god and goddess, Shu and Tefnut, who became the parents of all other elements of the world. An alternate version indicates that the god Ptah, architect of the universe, maintains cosmic order through continual masturbation.
OMG, LOL. With these kinds of fables, it’s no wonder masturbation was such a big taboo. Surely they didn’t want people creating rivers and nations left and right so they had to regulate the sperm production! Seriously, wanking-off created the earth??? Oh LOL!
In the 1700s and 1800s, masturbation was first associated with mental and physical deficiencies. In fact, over 60% of medical and mental illnesses were blamed on masturbation. It caused so much fear that *gasp* preventative measures were introduced just to stop it!
Here are some examples of anti-masturbation devices (I swear I’m NOT making this up!):
- Stephenson Spermatic Truss - Patented in 1876, this device placed the penis in a pouch, and then stretched and tied down between the legs, which made erection impossible. Stephenson changed his device slightly 21 years later, adding a metal hood under which the penis could move freely. Any erection would drive the penis against painful spikes.
- Bowen Device - This device was like a cup that was placed over the head of the penis and attached to pubic hair by chains and clips. When the wearer got an erection, the pubic hair would be plucked painfully and the wearer would have to respond.
Thankfully, in the 20th century, the idiots who called themselves specialists finally began questioning the stupidity of linking masturbation to illnesses. In 1948, the Kinsey Report showed that intercourse and masturbation were activities not only for procreation but also for pleasure. It turned many people to thinking that if the majority of the population masturbated, then why should anyone be ashamed of it?
Today, it’s generally accepted that masturbation is a common, safe and normal practice which occurs in some form or other, in most stages of life, from infancy to adulthood, in both males and females. That all the moronic myths aren’t true: it’s not evil nor harmful, it will most definitely not make you blind (Trollop can still see after all), insane, grow hair on your palms—neither is the imbecilic assumption that only the desperate for sex or those too ugly to “get any” are the only ones doing it. Otherwise, most people would be hairy, insane blind oafs!—because most people do it! In fact, many people masturbate throughout their lives whether they have a sexual partner or not.
Actually, watching your partner masturbate can be very, very sexy, and even helpful. A flicker there, a rub here, a stroke in just the right place... Watch and learn, I say. Nothing better than a wanking expert LOL.
Interesting links:
- Top 10 books about masturbation
- Masturbation cuts cancer risk
- Female masturbation techniques
- Advanced male masturbation techniques (with helpful illustrations and written descriptions :P)
Labels: cock fetish, fuckalicious, sex and the bitches
Geezus ... those are some serious torture techniques, wonder how many men actually used those devices?
On a side note - WOW love that set of photos. I may have to make a wallpaper out of them, LOL. But in the second one my first thought was goddamn it I think he's skinner than I am there.
5/26/2006 09:10:00 AM
Antimasturbation devices? Surely those were invented by sick bastards.
That aside, who is this guy? Now, I have to say OMG, LOL.
5/26/2006 09:42:00 AM
OMG, Picture #3 Mmmm....
Who is this man?
Harlot, great article!
5/26/2006 10:01:00 AM
Oh wow. Come to momma!
5/26/2006 10:35:00 AM
Is that true? That myth about the gods jerking off? Euw. LOL
Did those devices really sell? I mean, who would really buy those? Rings with spike? Those are some heavy BDSM if you ask me, LOL.
Loooooove the eye-candy!
5/26/2006 12:19:00 PM
Enough with the half-naked men!
Harlot could be blog about a Stephen King book and still post naked men all over!
I guess it's safe to assume she's on the "majority of the population" group.
Also,
Why don't we ever get half-naked women? Sexists!
We DEMAND eye-candy for men & lesbians!
Traci, from Ohio
5/26/2006 12:43:00 PM
"Harlot could be talking about catholic nuns and still post naked men. Actually she HAVE done that!!!!"
Well, you know, i have an excuse!! :@ Besides, this is your fault anyway! I was an innocent girl before i met you..
Hullo, Traci! :D
5/26/2006 01:35:00 PM
Oh btw, i agree. We need spell check here. Told Tisty i'll look into it. (wave to Tisty!)
Anyone who knows how to put those? Not sure if it's available here for comments.. :S
5/26/2006 01:39:00 PM
Love the article! Love the eyecandy!
Great way to start my day. Sigh. LOL Thanks BBs!
Olly
5/26/2006 01:45:00 PM
Great article but the pictures started my holiday weekend off perfectly!
5/26/2006 05:30:00 PM
omg this guy is gorgeous.
i have to agree with harlot. wanking with your partner is hot lol.
5/26/2006 07:06:00 PM
How could anyone not like this guy? Look at him arching his back.... DAMN. Yum LOL
As for the article, very educational ladies. :) Love it!
5/26/2006 07:13:00 PM
I love those masturbation techniques!
I've done some already and will definitely try the other ones. That riding the seam of your jeans is a gift. It's simple and I've always done this even at work, and no one even notices and it never fails to make me come. LOL
Never thought of that bottle sucking. Sounds good to me. :P
5/26/2006 07:53:00 PM
How could anyone forget the rabbit? It's still one of the best way to masturbate. :P That little pink dude with its flapping ears, sigh. LOL
I bought one after I saw it from Sex and the City. Definitely worth every penny. :)
5/26/2006 08:15:00 PM
Oh, did I mention that guy is HOT! OMG. I would love to watch him while he's whacking off LOL.
Love this article. Thanks ladies! :D
5/26/2006 08:18:00 PM
Cool article... sexy man...
5/26/2006 08:39:00 PM
I believe masturbation is still a big taboo in other countries, especially for women. It's sad that religion actually plays a role in preventing women to enjoy their bodies more. When are these religious sects going to realize there's nothing wrong with masturbation? It's safe, you won't get STD and it's very helpful with relieving tension.
Anyway, Harlot, seriously, who is this guy?! He's very sexy. LOL
5/26/2006 08:51:00 PM
OMG I LOVE THIS! AND HIM! Oh what a him. Drool.
Truly a perfect ending for a tiring week. :) Thanks ladies, you rock!
5/26/2006 09:05:00 PM
Elf ear?
I'll definitely try that. While imagining Orlando Bloom. ;)
5/26/2006 10:47:00 PM
Haha...another great article ladies. Well I don't want Trollop to be the only one whacking and telling..so yes...I too am guilty of a little "alone time" with my removable shower head! Like I said before...the bf doesn't, well, not for himself ;) but I get headaches if I don't get off everyday..so 30 seconds in the shower and I'm set! And I agree...rubbing one out in front of someone is a)the most intimate expression you can give to someone else and b) HOT HOT HOT
Now you've gone and got me all worked up...hahaha
~hehe
5/26/2006 11:51:00 PM
Hay trollop, I never said I wasn't an idiot! I was just trying to help you get more acurate statistics :P
5/27/2006 03:47:00 AM
Trollop, that was a long time ago! Grr. I was young and too horny. *shy* And seriously, it's not my fault. I didn't know you're not suppose to mount it... *confused*
*ahem*
Err, anyway, LOL, of course i too do it, BF does it, and we do it. :P Btw, you guys, did you check out the links? There are some very interesting techniques there, just in case you miss those. ;)
Hullo Tisty!
5/27/2006 03:57:00 AM
I don't know about elf ear or the meat one where you take a warm sausage.....
5/27/2006 05:58:00 AM
No fair...the boys get pictures!!
5/27/2006 06:00:00 AM
2000 ejaculations from masturbation is definitely way below normal! I'll bet the average horny Catholic priest beats that figure! Most of us wouldn't exceed it by the time we went through puberty (even I didn't wank THAT much!) but by the time we got out of high school, it would almost be a sure thing! I mean once a day for about 6 years would easily do it! Let's see...I'm 65 and still wanking so....oh forget it!...I don't think my calculator goes that high! Cheers to you all!
5/27/2006 09:42:00 AM
Babe, i was talking more of the male techniques. ;) Did you check those out? Very educational LOL. Though can't help but think that there are actually people who make these kind of sites and take pics/videos of themselves wanking.
And yes, some of those techniques for women are very weird. :/ Anyway, if some women get off through those, well, good for them. :)
5/27/2006 09:55:00 AM
I just have to come back and look at him again. Sigh.
Harlot, I'll look into those links later. I'm guessing they're not work-safe. :P
5/27/2006 10:45:00 AM
I agree with Trollop. For me, the old finger trick is still the best way to masturbate.
Great article, Harlot. :)
5/27/2006 11:10:00 AM
Well I guess I better come out then. LOL. Yep, I take care of myself too. Hey, a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do! But honestly, this is a relief b/c women just don't feel comfortable talking about this stuff (or admitting to it).
Now, who's next to confess?
5/27/2006 03:41:00 PM
It's true. Everyone masturbates and those who say otherwise is lying or probably has a very low sex drive.
I checked those links out and boy I'm glad I did! I didn't know there are actually names you can call those techniques by. The favorite full fist grip haha! Not to mention there are others I didn't know of and will definitely try with the boyfriend soon. ;)
5/27/2006 08:24:00 PM
Hot damn, I almost missed this blog! This is what happens when you try to be the nice girlfriend and spend the weekend with your boyfriend's friends. What was I thinking? They can't give me pointers like these!
Now onto the topic at hand. I for one am guilty of always fiddling the chickie, LOL. As Harlot said, there's nothing wrong with that, right girls? In any case, I have to get off at least once a day or it will drive me bonkers if I don't.
Love your blog, Harlot, Trollop. :)
5/27/2006 11:13:00 PM
Hi Danielle. :D Honey, LOL I saw you're having problem with posting comment? :P It's probably just blogger. Anyway, welcome to all our new visitors. Hope you guys post often!
HM,
LOL Trust me, nothing much you haven't seen yet. ;) Besides, i always share my boys with you guys. Even if i know you dirty women will lust over them! LOL :P Even, apparently, when i was talking about nuns. Hm, didn't notice really.. :/
Not sure why i've been sick! Been hurting so much sometime i can't even move. Grr. I hate this. :(
5/27/2006 11:34:00 PM
Thanks Harlot. :) I kept typing but my comment just won't appear on this damn box. After I refreshed the page, that's when I saw all the ones I posted. I didn't want to appear like an idiot so I just erased the duplicates. LOL
Hi Hotmama, I know what you mean. I read some called it "tickling the pickle". :P But those animal names are the most popular.
5/28/2006 12:56:00 AM
OMG this guy is yummy. Yum yum yum. :P
5/28/2006 01:46:00 AM
OMG, even masturbation takes too much effort. Can someone just do that for me?! I am all for orgasm without investment on my part!
5/28/2006 05:56:00 AM
Bashing the candle, beating the weasel, bleedin' the weed, buffing the banana, bopping the baloney, burping the worm, choking the chicken, cleaning your rifle, corking the bat, cranking the shank, cuffing the carrot, fisting your mister, flogging your dog, floggin' the frog, flogging the hog, flogging the log, flute solo, jerkin' the gherkin.
*breathe*
Looping the mule, manual override, painting the pickle, pocket pinball, pocket pool, polishing the banister, polishing the rocket, pounding your flounder, pumping the python, roping the pony, spanking the monkey, teasing the weasel, tossing the turkey, walking the dog, whipping the willy, wonking your cronker, yanking the crank.
Seriously, i like "wanking". :/
5/28/2006 10:09:00 AM
LMAO, Harlot! That is quite a list. I think I prefer "Wanking" too, LOL.
Did you google slang for masturbation or did you know those off the top of your head?
5/28/2006 10:30:00 AM
Hey Vixen,
I got them from the dictionary of wanking. Or is it wanking dictionary? Yes, google. Just, you know, for research. :P Of course, those who know/want to chime in other terms, feel free to post them here LOL.
5/28/2006 11:00:00 AM
Interesting article. I asked my boyfriend (who is 43) about the frequency he masturbates, and he estimated that from the time he hit puberty, it has been about 4 times a week. He said it has decreased after he hit 35 or so, but it was more frequent before then. So at four times a week for 30 years, that would put the number around 6000+. Interestingly, he also considers it basic biological maintenance (lol), like drinking water.
I can't say that I'm at anywhere near that number, although I do "ride the seams" fairly often.
6/30/2008 03:16:00 PM
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