Monday, May 7, 2007

I touch myself**

“It’s a very ancient saying, but a true and honest thought
That if you become a teacher by your pupils you’ll be taught.
As a teacher I’ve been learning, you’ll forgive me if I boast
And I’ve now become an expert on the subject I like most.

Getting to know you ME.”
- The King and I

Rule #1 in the Romance Novel Writing Handbook clearly states: “When the H&H do the horizontal polka, they must both climax in epic proportions.” This decree seems to come with the unwritten addendum “... this shall happen without the slightest effort.” How I wish these rules applied in the real world. *sigh*

Let’s talk about orgasms then. Anyone opposed shall speak now or forever hold their peace or, um, maybe just stop reading and find another blog for the day? LOL *g* I should probably make something clear first: I’m not a sexpert so if you expect me to give some uber techniques to help you sky-rocket off, er, sorry, not gonna happen. You might want to check out Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s site for that, then come back and share with us. :P

I believe that romance novels give women false expectations in many ways. I do think that having heroines come left, right and all the way in between shows us that it is as much our right to orgasm as it is a man’s. As Samantha from SATC said, when you RSVP to a party, you should make it your business to come. It is unacceptable for women to not achieve orgasms during sex—or worse, *gasp* not to have ever had one! (God forbid!) And yet romance books mostly center around women coming with men and almost never by themselves (actually, can’t remember reading about a self-exploratory heroine :/).

Why, I wonder, are men always responsible for the girl’s orgasm in romance books? Isn’t it time we start seeing heroines take a more active role in achieving their own pleasure? Making sure they polish themselves off if Superman looses his powers, is too drunk to come through, burns his tongue with hot soup and is unable to use it for a day or two—or the very common, flies off the handle too early?

Up to a point, I understand it’s easy to hold men responsible because, let’s face it, a good number of them are only concerned in attaining their own orgasms without helping you obtain yours. Fuckers. What’s more, there are Neanderthals who believe things like the G-spot are a myth to make blokes work harder (honestly, boys). The fact is, we somehow forget that sex is between two people (unless you’re in an orgy :P); it’s not something that you do to another person, it’s something you do TOGETHER, not just ONE giving ANOTHER ecstasy.

There was a time I didn’t always “sail on a golden cloud” when I had sex. I questioned whether my then BF was a lousy lover seeing as he left me hornier than a teenager in a strip club. :S I was confused and doubted myself because whereas I was clumsy, he felt wonderful; still, most of the time, I wouldn’t freaking come. *sniff* What was I doing wrong? Why me? Ye gods, why why why?!?

That’s when I started reading and researching the subject, and while in my noble quest realized that most authors and experts always came to the same conclusions:
  • thou shall love your body and the way you look
  • thou shall treat yourself like an amusement park; it is not “sinful”; it’s normal, fun and quite entertaining *g*
  • with practice and optimism, thou shall be able to “soar into an infinity of delight” quickly and easily
When I found out how easy it was to give myself pleasure, I felt robbed! All those times I didn’t climax and didn’t know what to do while he always felt blissful afterwards—how un-fucking-fair! I couldn’t blame him though because it’s me who was uncomfortable with asserting my needs. I’d freak out every time he wanted to go down on me *blush* (give me a break, I was 18 and new at it!); I was embarrassed to ask him to do this or to do that—and honestly, I just didn’t know my own body. :/

Women can’t expect to have orgasms when they’re unfamiliar with their OWN body. If you YOURSELF don’t know what turns you on, how do you expect your partner to know? He probably won’t. This is why I strongly advocate masturbation. When women get to know what works for them their confidence increases. A woman who’s in touch with her body is more likely to grab her lover’s hand/head/throbbing spear of love and put it between her legs in just the right place than someone who doesn’t masturbate. She’ll have no problem reaching there herself with her very own agile hands which will serve a double purpose: reaching the one hundred yard line AND driving her man crazy. *wink*

Anyhoodles, this is what I’m trying to say: if you have difficulty climaxing, go fiddle with yourself LOL. Become familiar with what turns you on. Practice makes perfect and all that. Not only will you enjoy sex more, but your partner will too. What man doesn’t want to feel a woman come? Over his fingers, under his tongue, around his cock... That means, YOU BOTH WIN. So, ladies, if you’re like me and LOVE orgasms, what are you waiting for? Get busy, and get your fingers sticky. ;)

**Refers to a song by The Divinyls


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42 comment(s):

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

I want to see more heroines who take charge of their own orgasms. I can't really remember ever reading about a masturbating heroine! LOL Well, maybe Pasion? And that was only b/c Mark asked her, still its a step forward :D

In any case, I hear ya' Harlot. I can tell you that knowing myself I've learned a lot about what I want and need and how to ask for it.

Good post, but gotta ask, how come you didn't mention men faking orgasms?!?!?! LOL

5/07/2007 12:22:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh shut up! *grrr*

Well, you see, this post has a part about men faking orgasm but as Trollop cruelly tells me *sniff* it's sorta out of topic already. Fine fine.. :@ Well, maybe that has to wait till another post. :/

5/07/2007 12:39:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis said...

I hear you, BBs. Good post!

I think if a woman is uncomfortable about sexuality, it makes their partner insecure as well. It will probably bring about childhood insecurities about pleasing a woman or whatever. I agree that men should not be responsible for the women's orgasms, that's too much pressure. Men should do whatever they can of course but they can't take the sole responsibility.

5/07/2007 01:33:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis said...

Odd but I can't remember a masturbating heroine either...

5/07/2007 01:35:00 PM  

Anonymous Luci said...

Masturbating Heroine - I was going to say Susan Donovan's Public Displays of Affection - but there is a dildo involved. I imagine it counts or no?

5/07/2007 01:47:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Luci, of course it does. I'm a HUGE advocate of BOB as well. ;P I've yet to read Susan Donovan though. Is she good?

5/07/2007 01:56:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

"When you yourself don't know what turns you on, how do you expect your partner to know?"

I agree on this. When I started masturbating, I found out how easy it was to climax :)

Regarding masturbating heroines, I believe erotica has those, LOL. But I'm not sure when it comes to the "common" romance novels. I think one of Nora Roberts' heroines masturbated in front of her hero. I can't recall who it is though.

5/07/2007 02:11:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Trollop, men who fake orgasms? What? LOL. That's just stupid.

I think every woman is different. Sometimes it's clitoral stimulation that will give you orgasms, sometimes it's penetration. You won't really know until you try I guess. :)

5/07/2007 03:26:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does this include having a vivid imagination? (aka dirty mind) as you just told me I had one ... lol!
I've commented before on an easy way to guarantee a girls satisfaction with her man ... its all in the positioning. I just can't remember what post was attached to my comment. It is very possible to both get to the big O together.

5/07/2007 03:35:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

I'd like to see more heroines in command of their own orgasms as well. I just finished reading Miranda Heart's Something Unexpected. The heroine masturbates, but I think this romance book falls under the erotica category.

Good post!

5/07/2007 05:26:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Harlot, I never thought of masturbating that way. You have a good point.

Have you girls read Cheryl Holt? She has a couple of heroines (I'm talking about HR here) who learned how to masturbate, taught by the heroes of course.

There is a classic romance by Johanna Lindsey, I forgot the title, but she's an English countess who has been sold into slavery. She masturbates too ;)


5/07/2007 06:16:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Men who fake orgasms? Ha ha! The only time I have seen this is in that Josh Harnett movie 40 Nights whatever.


5/07/2007 06:20:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

That made sense. If you don't know what turns you on, your lover probably would not know. So no orgasms. Like Trollop said, you have to know what you like and learn to ask for it if necessary. I guess it's like eating ice cream. You won't know what is delicious or what is your favorite until you tried the different flavors and toppings. ;)

5/07/2007 07:09:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

Soar into an infinity of delight. *chuckles*

I love all your masturbation/BOB posts bitches and this one is no different. You have this ability to make taboo or embarrassing topics easy to accept and they are smart and reasonable. Kudos to you BBs. You rock!!

5/07/2007 08:16:00 PM  

Anonymous karamia said...

Great post Bitches!! What a good topic, it truly is an important one, too. IMHO every woman should have a BOB and use it regularly. With and without her man. You have to get to know yourself; and how can you ask a man to do something to you when you are not able to do it to yourself?

5/07/2007 10:32:00 PM  

Blogger Di said...

I can't help but wonder if your blog about masturbation and female orgasm will get as much controversy as my recent blog about a nursing mother being asked to leave a local restaurant. I think there should be WAY more discussion about orgasms and way less about nourishing our children!

5/07/2007 11:02:00 PM  

Blogger kinky courtesan said...

I have personally only faked one orgasm in my life. I guess thats good but hey guess what I can't orgasm from sex! This pisses me off immensly but i guess i learned to deal with it. I heart oral sex and couldn't live without it. Too bad that I can't just have a boy robot who doesn't lie to me about having sex with a couple 50+ years old.... yeah i'm really not into that... they are 30 years my senior....

5/08/2007 05:01:00 AM  

Anonymous Luci said...

Hey Harlot, I like Susan Donovan books a lot. Her first four especially - her last one not so much.

I loved your post by the way, agree with what you say, except that I never tried a BOB. My husband keeps wanting to buy me one and i keep refusing. Even watching them using them on TV freaks me out. I am not saying never LOL, but no inclination to yet.

5/08/2007 06:24:00 AM  

Blogger The Sarah said...

Go fiddle with yourself !

Geez, that should be printed on T-shirts! Just awesome!

I think the key to a good sex life and to great orgasms is to RELAX. If you stop thinking about "oooh, does my stomach look fat?" and just ENJOY, than you can have wonderful sex. Really, women are thinking too much about it. We are WORTH having orgasms and we should not feel bad if our man is doing something just for our own pleasure - we DESERVE it!

And here's an interesting and fun book on the topic:

"The Inner Circle" from T.C. Boyle

In Germany it's called "Dr. Sex" and is about Dr. Kinsey and the famous Kinsey reports. Very, let's say, "entertaining"! ;o)

5/08/2007 06:39:00 AM  

Blogger Polly King said...

I luuuuv this post! It's all true. I feel sorry for women who don't always experience a climax when they have sex. IMHO, that is just wrong. Usually, masturbation is the answer. If you're not having an orgasm and you want to, you should learn how. Great post.

5/08/2007 08:34:00 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kimberly Raye; Kiss me once, Kiss me twice; the heroine owns a sex company!I loved it! She mastrubates a lot, not taiught or asked by a men, by herself.It's a trilogy, Sometimes naugty, sometimes nice and sweet as sugar, hot as spice are the other two.
They are definetely not erotica IMHO!

5/08/2007 10:08:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

RE: faking orgasm

I know there are women who fake orgasms because they have difficulty climaxing. This, for the life of me, I don't get. So your lover won't feel inadequate? :( This saddens me because, not only are you missing out but your lover too. There's also the fact that i believe it's EVERY WOMAN'S RIGHT TO ALWAYS COME. Well, it bloody well is mine, i tell ya that.

5/08/2007 11:10:00 AM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

If something comes hard for you, the best way to do is practice... and then come hard! LOL

5/08/2007 01:12:00 PM  

Blogger Polly King said...

"Every woman's right to always come"

Bitches, you should appeal to congress to make this a law! ;)

5/08/2007 02:52:00 PM  

Anonymous tinkerbell said...

Well said Harlot. Great post.

5/08/2007 04:14:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

I second Polly's suggestion! :D

I agree with Anonymous's recommendation of Kimberley Raye. Hot! You might also want to read the sequel: Sweet As Sugar, Hot as Spice.

5/08/2007 05:29:00 PM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

Great post and great advice. I agree on all accounts. We should take charge of our sexuality, enjoy sex more by making sure we always climax. With that said, I should get a new BOB! Lol

5/08/2007 07:53:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis said...

Speaking of new BOB, I saw this so called orgasm booster in Glamour. Flower Power Lip Balm Orgasm Enhancer. Anyone heard or tried it? If so, does it work? LOL

5/08/2007 09:02:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Okay LOL, this is for you Jordis:

Flower power lip balm orgasm enhancer

"As seen in Grazia and Glamour! A special blend of natural extracts designed to enhance your sexual performance. A pretty package features a tin of orgasm enhancer. Recommended by Zest Magazine!

The Flower Power Orgasm Enhancer is a balm for your - ahem - other set of lips. It contains all-natural ingredients, including shea butter, peppermint oil, bees wax and ginseng, designed to heighten the sensitivity of your labia, and you can use it before oral or penetrative sex..

Highly recommended in the May issue of Zest magazine."

5/09/2007 08:58:00 AM  

Blogger Jolie said...

My goodness, peppermint? I love peppermint. I have conditioner and foot products with peppermint in them and they feel wonderful. Now I wonder how peppermint would feel in your... ahem. LOL

5/09/2007 02:54:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Bitches, I forwarded this post to some friends and they loved it. Including the related posts :)


5/09/2007 03:29:00 PM  

Anonymous Lindsey said...

Great post. Who says it doesn't pay being dirty? ;)

5/09/2007 04:53:00 PM  

Anonymous ~Cassie~ said...

Great post! I love the way you write Harlot and I agree. Since you're doing it by yourself, it's probably the best way to learn what turns you on. Generally, women are embarrassed to talk about their vajayjays. The same reason why some women hesitate to experiment but there is nothing wrong with finding out what you like best especially if that would make you come ;)

You rock bitches!

5/09/2007 08:07:00 PM  

Anonymous F Plume said...

Smart sexy bitches.... great post.

5/10/2007 10:49:00 AM  

Blogger Jordis said...

If I try the flower power lip balm orgasm enhancer, I will let you know how it goes ladies. hehe

5/10/2007 03:53:00 PM  

Anonymous Chiqui said...

I followed a link from a masturbation site and found you sexy bitches... After spending the last hour browsing the back posts... Harlot & Trollop... YOU BOOK BITCHES ROCK!

5/10/2007 07:33:00 PM  

Anonymous Trollop said...

Hey Chiqui,

Welcome aboard! :) You know, one of our policies here is total honesty. Now, based on that you don't have to lie about Harlot rocking, you can be honest and say I rock and leave Harlot out of it. She wont be offended! LOL

I remember the time she invited over 3,000 men here who talked endlessdly about the size of their penis. Remember that Harlot?!?! LOL

5/11/2007 12:45:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Well, they wanted to talk about their penises.. What would you have preferred to have done? I grab between their legs, squeeze till they squeal stop? :/

As far as honesty goes, Chiqui, i am B.E.S.T.E.S.T over Trollop. Welcome. *g*

5/11/2007 05:57:00 AM  

Blogger Putita said...

What a wonderful way to start my morning. Bitches, I love your big cock/masturbation posts. Taking note: having difficulty coming, fiddle with self. Got it. You two rock.

5/11/2007 11:09:00 AM  

Blogger Putita said...

May I suggest a good vibrator? The natural contours ultimate vibrator. Best one I ever had.

5/11/2007 11:11:00 AM  

Anonymous Tessa said...

I am late in commenting but I want to say I love you book bitches! You so ROCK!

Question: What do you prefer, dildo or cock? ^_^

- Tessa

5/28/2007 08:26:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hi Tessa, welcome.

I think it depends what mood you're in. We would all like to have a lover always ready to give us a hand, wouldn't we? But sometimes, there are different circumstances. I would never say a BOB comes anywhere close to being with a real man, but i think when you just want a wank, then a BOB is what you need.

If you want to make love with someone, a BOB will disappoint you, but if you fancy a quick frig, a BOB is bloody fantabulous. ;)

5/28/2007 08:45:00 PM