Friday, December 16, 2005

Are you there Santa? It's me, Harlot

Hola Santa,

It’s me again, Harlot, or “that dirty wench” as I’ve heard you refer to me. Now, I can’t lie and say I’ve been nice this year; like I’ve told you before, I develop an unbecoming eye twitch every time I try. But since we’ve agreed, as long as I don’t send you any more pastries like the ones that hospitalized the elves (I still maintain my innocence about this dumbfounding accusation!), you give me one gift each Christmas. Fair enough.

I’m still mourning Brad Pitt’s continuous descent to ugliness *sob* (am pretty sure Angie is sucking his blood). I know you still won’t give me my very own pretty castle (*cough* cheap bastard *cough*), or deliver me Beckham with a shiny red bow tied to his naked luscious self (Santa, that stick Victoria is a selfish bitch!—you better not give her anything else!). So this year, am not asking for much.

I’ve wanted this since July, thought it looong and hard... You see I like things that are long and hard so maybe... —Err, where are we? Sorry, got kinda sidetracked with the long and hard thought. As I was saying, for this year, I just yearn for one simple thing, and I covet it more than anything: I WANT TO BITCH-SLAP J.K. ROWLING UNTIL SHE COMES TO HER SENSES! THAT SADISTIC EVIL WITCH!!!

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won’t actually draw blood or anything, just, maybe smack her till she comes to her wits. I get all warm inside just thinking about it, this thought fills me with hope—and what else are the holidays supposed to be about if not hope? And I’m not thinking only of myself (I’m all heart you see); this is for the millions of Harry Potter fans across the world. Rudolf, for one, would agree.

Just look at this: “Realistically, I don’t think I’m going to be able to do real work on it until next year. I see next year as the time that I’m really going to write seven.” Vicious, isn’t she?

First, she made us wait three—THREE FREAKING YEARS for book 5! Then, TWO YEARS for book 6!!! Oh come on! If she doesn’t see herself writing HP7 until next year, when will she finish it then, huh? She needs to tie a lot of loose strings and this “uninterrupted me-time” crap isn’t helping. So I’ve concluded that she’s either too lazy to write, and/or having fans loose their minds while waiting for her books is her idea of fun. She’s doing this deliberately to torture us, I tell you!

Not only that. Someone asked her if Harry would die in book 7. And you know what she said? “Am I going to finish Harry off? I cannot possibly tell you that, I’m sorry.” What the hell does that mean? First, she had the gall to actually kill Sirius, then Dumbledore. Now, she might kill Harry too? What the fuck—sorry, heck does she want?!? She’s a nasty, cruel maniac!!!

I don’t know about you, Santa, but think of all the tormented reader’s souls. At least think of the poor children! This kind of mental anguish isn’t good for developing young minds: very stressful and traumatic. I know for a fact that all the waiting for the previous books affected me. Imagine that, Santa!

Now, you might think I’m being a little harsh, but JKR deserves no less! She doesn’t play fair and that’s just plain mean. See, Santa, this is really important. We need to act now or next thing we know, she’s declaring Dudley is the real boy wizard, the one with the real power to kill Lord Voldy!

Will wait for reply with date and time you will be taking me to JKR’s mansion. I bet they have great cookies, so there’s something in it for you too.

P.S. My friend Trollop asked to include her wish here. She’s a heathen, so she thought you might discard her letter without opening it. I know you’re very generous (*ahem* at least with others!), and besides, her wish is sorta like mine: she wants to whack that idiot Fielding woman in the head and beat her until she brings the REAL Bridget back. Thalia is killing her!

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6 comment(s):

Anonymous Rebelheart said...

Hello Harlot!It's rebelheart here!
Nice posts of yours!
You know I think that JK Rowling is loosing her fantasy..and that is why she takes so much to write,and I am also afraid she has gotten help from someone else!!What a pity!

12/16/2005 01:07:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

If I didn't love the books so much, I would boycot JKR. she's a selfish bitch! Taking time off for her family, the nerve! lol

12/16/2005 02:53:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

> I am also afraid she has gotten help from someone else!!

Really? where did you hear this? I hope not :(

12/16/2005 03:04:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hey, Rebelheart! :D

Yes, agree with Trollop. What do you mean by this?
> I am also afraid she has gotten
>help from someone else!!

12/16/2005 04:14:00 PM  

Blogger Gary Freedman said...

Season's Greetings.

12/16/2005 06:49:00 PM  

Anonymous Irene said...

Maybe I should be following your example and READ! Being a fan it is hard to say I was disappointed in the Goblet of Fire. Saw 3x's=2 days. What I expected didn't happen. Siris was supposed to be back, yeah, in a pit of fire! Where was the romance for Hagrid and the really tall woman! Dragons sceene so short! +
She did say things end up on the cutting floor and she has to fight to keep things!
Official site for J.K. Rowling, author of the bestselling Harry Potter series. Interactive site includes biography, news, and rumors. & text only:
She likes this fan-site:
Found: we have to wait for 2007 for HP and the Order of the Phoenix being filmed now. Ma

4/14/2006 05:56:00 AM