Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Books that need to die a horrible death

Last week I was tagged by Mailyn. Didn’t know what that meant at first LOL, but apparently I’ve to give a list of books I want to die horribly. So without further ado, here they are:

Anna Karenina
by Leo Tolstoy

Call me unrefined and lacking in literary sophistication, but I found this classic HORRIBLE. Anna was detestable; she didn’t evoke even the tiniest bit of compassion. Actually, quite the contrary as I’d spent half the book thinking of creative and fun ways in which she should DIE! As the book progressed, it got to the point where it’s almost physically painful to continue reading, with each freakin’ chapter worse than the last (no small feat, I can assure you!). I honestly think even Tolstoy himself got bored of Anna that’s why he threw her in the path of a train. Gotta give it to the author, though, for doing the world a favor and delivering a very creative “die, you useless bitch” scene. :/

The Scarlet Letter
by Nathaniel Hawthorne

It started nowhere, went nowhere, and it took fucking forever to do it. This was the reason why I flirted with my lit prof. during our classes to save myself from boredom, tears and banging my pritti head on my desk till it cracks in two. Between the pointless arse-long sentences describing some insignificant detail the author had used to make himself sound important, I’d lean once in a while to show Professor X some cleavage, heh. *ahem* Probably why I never felt sorry for Hester (even when I was “supposed to” *eyeroll*), the adulteress who got off easy considering she ruined the lives of every character in the book. I felt sorry for those who were forced to have their brains violated by such irksome waste of paper, and felt angry that I was one of them! Alas, that’s all there was to it. Despite it all, like Hester, I got an A. Seriously, dude, my boobtastic are a C!

by Herman Melville

Why people let this overrated piece of crap masquerade as a “great classic” is beyond me. All that talk about hidden messages, symbolism, allusions, etc, I think it’s all pretentiousness since they DON’T EXIST! Melville was a whaler, and wrote a very long and verra, verra excruciatingly boring book about whaling. PERIOD. Not to mention, I don’t know how true it is that the author kept changing his mind on the story while writing the book but it really shows. Blech.

Story of O
by Pauline Reage

Those who like this book say that those who didn’t like it “just don’t get it.” Puh-lease. Unless you still haven’t realised that a woman named Harlot *batting eyelashes* will be in touch with her own sexuality, trust me, I fucking get it.

This book is not about love or sex on the edge; this is about cruelty of the men, self-humiliation of the women, corruption of a child, and psychological and emotional rape. I didn’t find this book hot AT ALL. Actually, for the life of me, I find it hard to believe that even those who are into BDSM would find this book erotic or stimulating because the story not only lacks passion and love, but also hate and lust. O, the protagonist, just doesn’t feel a thing. I wanted to grab her, shake her and yell: “Feel something, you robot!” I kept hoping she’d take a whip and beat Sir Stephen and Rene until they cried for mercy to at least get some sort of sexual charge out of the tedious story. The book’s formula of “pain is pleasure” was repetitive and redundant; it just fucking goes on and on and on. And the ending, *yawn* was cut off. So how did they conclude it? With ONE freaking sentence. Ugh. I think that speaks loudly of how important this book is. Very disappointing.

by Diana Gabaldon

I hated this fucking book, it’s gad-awful and gross! It was so disgusting I still cringe every time I remember parts of it I had to endure, hoping against hope that somehow, by the divine grace of justice, Fraser would end up horribly murdered, his body mutilated, and Claire, losing her mind, would eat parts of him. Uncooked, of course.

Anita Blake series
by Laurell K Hamilton

True, I’ve only read the first two books in the series; but after the long discussion our readers had on Trollop’s previous post about LKH, I’ve decided not to waste my time because from what I gathered:
  • Anita is a nymphomaniac now; the series is nothing but a slut fest.
  • Anita sleeps/lays/cuddles with her men like a pile of puppies. *gag*
  • AB series is poorly written porn. The sex is boring and repetitive.
Really, I can forgive being a nympho (especially if the men are uber hot :P) but poorly written, repetitive, BORING sex? Oh come on, that should be outlawed!!!

Sarah’s Child and All That Glitters by Linda Howard
Hidden Fires by Sandra Brown

Spineless heroines with sick bastards who should be hung by the balls in public square and had people stone them to death—or just have people took turns to beat them with bamboo sticks. LOL

Hot Rain by Kat Martin. Too stupid to live heroine. Should be taken out back and shot repeatedly.

Honey Moon by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. Should melt in a huge pot of boiling oil.

Tender Triumph by Judith McNaught. DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! And, oh yes, DIE!

Awaken, My Love
by Robin Schone

Elaine, a 39-year-old woman who’s been married for 17 years and has NEVER been French kissed (HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?), swaps bodies with a frigid woman (Morrigan) from 18th century (don’t ask, never understood how this happened). As a result, she gets Charles, Morrigan’s Neanderthal hubby, who’s supposed to be an expert on Tantric love, *snort* but he makes sex uncomfortable, painful and degrading (his idea of foreplay is nothing but how many fingers he can fit inside his wife!). Except when he’s imposing his conjugal rights, he and Elaine have never had a real conversation, and after she’s nearly raped and killed, he ignores her for days while he’s torn whether or not to lock her in a loony bin. Oh, and lest I forget, the over the top villain. If you’ve actually suspended your disbelief and revulsion that got you to read until the end, you’ll see the villain—the “frigid” woman (someone who has the ability to swap bodies with anyone)—decides she wants to know what it’s like to have sex with HERSELF with Elaine in her former body! SERIOUSLY!

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54 comment(s):

Blogger C. said...

wow...I haven't read most of those!! I did have to read the scarlett letter in high school, but that's about it. I'm going with HP as my next books!!

8/29/2006 10:32:00 AM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

Oh god, Harlot, I agree with you about The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, The Story of O! Horrible books!!!

I've never read Awaken, My Love but that made me laugh. LOL Wanted to have sex with her former body? Talk about the height of conceit! LMAO

8/29/2006 11:03:00 AM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

LOL Very funny!

I haven't read most of these books but I want to say Tender Triumph is so bad I refuse to believe it was written by the same author who wrote Something Wonderful!

BTW, I liked Honey Moon. LOL I didn't like Glitter Baby and Hot Shot. Now those were bad.

Good post!

8/29/2006 11:20:00 AM  

Blogger ames said...

Great list!! That last book, Awaken, my Love, sounds absolutely horrible. Robin Schone is not to my taste because I found her masculine characters were way too interested in how many fingers can fit inside a woman. Just not my cup o'tea.
I thought I was the only one who didn't like the Scarlet Letter. I didn't even finish it. :P

8/29/2006 12:38:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

HATED Moby Dick! The whale only appears in the first few chapters and the last! It's written in the first person, but that person disappears after about the 10th chapter. WTF?

I didn't finish the Story of O. It was just too much for me.

Robin Schone books aren't to my liking either. What's up with her obsession of fisting her heroines? :S

8/29/2006 12:44:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

I have only one Linda Howard book that kept me compelled until the end, but still icked me out enough to think it should die a horrible death.

I can't remember the name of it. LOLLOL

It was the one where this woman comes home to the place she grew up in where this guy degrades her left and right and she vows to never say a word in protest to her mean family. At least, I think that's it anyway. Maybe I have storylines messed up? I think the title was Twilight something? I dunno.

I hated it and the hero, but I had to know what happened. Tee hee :)


8/29/2006 01:19:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

LOL Love your list, Harlot. I too hated Anna Karenina. Don't ever want to see that book again! I have to say the movie version wasn't bad though.

Story of O is overrated. Was so disgusted I stopped reading after only two chapters.

I haven't read McNaught's Tender Triumph because a friend said it's awful lol. Haven't read Robin Schone either. But based from that, I don't think I'll be reading anything from her soon. lol

8/29/2006 01:33:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

Dakota, I love LH books, but I agree with Harlot about Sarah's Child and All That Glitters. I think you're referring to LH's Shades of Twilight. You're right, it's icky because of all the incest going on. Even the hero and heroine are related! lol!

8/29/2006 01:37:00 PM  

Blogger Mailyn said...

I agree with Anna Karenina, Moby Dick, Scarlet Letter, Outlander and the Anita series!!! The rest I haven't read but, after that, I am not going anywhere near them. LMAO.

Gawd I still can't believe Tolstoy wrote that piece if crap. I LOVE War & Peace. :-(

Awesome list!!

8/29/2006 01:59:00 PM  

Blogger Gun_Wielding_Bitch said...

I have never told anyone this story before and once you read it you will see why.

My (now ex) boyfriend and I were driving up north to visit my mom in the Boone Docks. It's a 3-hour drive and I tend to be a back seat driver (he drives slower than molasses in winter) so I always bring a book for the trip up and a book for the trip back home.

I didn't have any new books to bring and I didn't have any time to stop and pick some up so my boyfriend's mom offered me one of hers. The cover looked lame but I was desperate and in a bad mood due to the cluster fuck our plans turned into and my boyfriends bitching about us running late. I tired for 2 hours to read this book. I couldn’t focus on it, I kept having to reread parts, it was horrible. It was so bad and I got so pissed that now I had to sit in a car with my boyfriend’s BAD music and nothing to occupy my time that I made him pull over on the (deserted, thank God) express way, I got out of the car, went in the trunk, grabbed my Glock and shot the book... 5 times.

I swear to God I'm not a psycho! It was a really bad day and a really bad book. I haven't shot a book since then, I swear.

Snagged by Carol Higgins Clark. Fuck this book.

8/29/2006 02:18:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

That's IT, Vanessa. Gawd, I don't care what anyone says--they were RELATED.

I don't care if he's your half brothers, uncle's, aunt's, long lost twin. They were RELATED and he humiliated her. PLus, that crap about never saying anything to keep everyone happy was INSANE. Who needs some mean old surrogate family anyway? LOL

DC :)

8/29/2006 02:22:00 PM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

Dakota, Vanessa, I liked Shades of Twilight. LOL I certainly liked it better than All That Glitters (worst LH book IMO). I found it very interesting and as always with LH, the sexual tension was great! Anyway, aren't Roane and Webb (H/H) distant cousins?

GWB, OMG LOL Did your ex see you? And what did he say? I bet he stopped bitching after that. :P

8/29/2006 02:40:00 PM  

Blogger Gun_Wielding_Bitch said...

He saw me do it. He didn't say much. When I put my gun back in the case and emptied the bullets out to put them back in the glove compartment (Michigan law when transporting a gun the bullets have to be in the opposite end of the car than the gun) I got back in the passenger seat with out a word. He said, "Feel better?" I shook my head and he took off down the road again. He did, however, put in music I like at that point. LOL.

8/29/2006 02:50:00 PM  

Anonymous 2nd Amdt said...

GWB - was the gun in the trunk so you didn't shoot your (ex)boyfriend when he was driving you nuts? ;-)

I read Schone's The Lover and Gabriel's Woman, so I picked up Awaken, My Love, but never finished it - I just couldn't get in to the story. Me not finishing a book is a rare occurance once I start it, so I missed the "having sex with self" thing.

I've stayed away from Anita Blake, because I assume any series which features the same heroine must not have what I define as a HEA because I figure there's a new stud every book.

I love LH's older stuff, though ATG is not my favorite of hers; MacKenzie's Mountain and Almost Forever are. I;m not as thrilled with her move to romantic suspense.

8/29/2006 02:50:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

C, I can't remember. I just remember that it made me mad that she never said a word to anyone about anything and that the hero was over the top Alpha. And why can't I remember All that glitters?

Which one was that?

DC :)

8/29/2006 02:51:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Great list! I thought everyone liked Tolstoy's "masterpiece". Ahem. I agree with you about Moby Dick, Scarlet Letter, Story of O. That Awaken, My Love book sounds gross.

This series may not be qualified as "books that need to die" but I just can't read it when everyone seems to love it. JRR Tolkien's LOTR books. I know... Just not my cup of tea I guess.

8/29/2006 02:51:00 PM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

2nd Amdt, Mackenzie's Mountain is also my favorite LH. I love it! Anyway, I agree with you. I think her older books are better than the suspense ones.

Dakota, All That Glitters is about a Greek millionaire Nicko and Jessie and their rocky marriage. After their wedding he brought her to his island and kept manhandling her and treating her like a hated pet you'll be pulling your hair by just a couple of chapters. Really bad book!

8/29/2006 03:09:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

huh, I must've missed that one. Ah, well, every author has one ot two someone hates, yes? LOL


8/29/2006 03:11:00 PM  

Blogger Polly King said...

I like Tolstoy's War and Peace, but Anna Karenina is a dreadful book. The Scarlet Letter could have been shorter but apparently Hawthorne thought describing and explaining every little detail would be fun. NOT.

Moby Dick is terrible. It's considered a failure during Melville's time and even cost him his popularity but now it's a masterpiece. How did that happen when it's still the same crap that was written centuries ago.

Story of O I have yet to read. I know it's about BDSM and since I'm not into it, I don't think I should waste my time reading it.

8/29/2006 03:22:00 PM  

Anonymous Rosalinda said...

I've LMAO reading this list! Love it!

Harlot, the only books I've read in there are Sarah's Child and Outlander. And I liked Outlander! LOL

8/29/2006 03:33:00 PM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

Dakota, yeah. LOL Even Judith McNaught and Linda Howard, two of my favorite authors, have books I hated.

I forgot to mention Wuthering Heights. HATE THAT PIECE OF CRAP!

8/29/2006 03:36:00 PM  

Blogger Alex said...

I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad because of the fact that I haven't read any of the books you mentioned...

8/29/2006 04:15:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I for one liked moby dick. I don't care about the symbolism, and it did get boring in spots but I liked it. It was all over the place, kinda reminded me of bloggs in general, long sometimes boring, and random.

8/29/2006 06:04:00 PM  

Blogger C said...

I have to agree with you on the Story of O. I was not aroused in the least and don't see how the main character was either. I ended by not finishing the book and selling it on half.com.

8/29/2006 06:07:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

Oh, C, I loved Judith's Knight series, was it? Ya know, where all the heroine's time traveled?? My bad, I forget what they were called.

DC :)

8/29/2006 06:19:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

Yep - I hate the lot of them as well. Normally I like LH too, but have some I hate, including all her time travel crap & like Outlander and whole rest of that series. (Dianna Gabaldon isn't it?)
I liked Mr Perfect and Open Season the best of LH's, Mr P because it made me laugh until I cried, & O.S. because I liked the old spinster Daisy/librarian makeover story.
But every author has her good/bad stories I'm sure.

8/29/2006 07:20:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

I agree about Story of O and The Scarlet Letter. Awful books. The AB series too should die soon. I heard Dance Macabre is a waste of money.. That Robin Schone book sounds terrible!

Aggie, I too love Mr. Perfect. Haven't read Open Season yet and All That Glitters. I thought Sarah's Child wasn't that bad but I agree that Rome is a total prick who should be beaten with bamboo sticks. LOL

8/29/2006 08:00:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Except for Outlander which I liked, I agree with your list, Harlot. At least those I've read. LOL I like LH's older stuff too. Mackenzies, Heartbreaker, Almost Forever, After the Night. Her recent books are just so so for me. SEP's Honey Moon is awful. Glitter Baby too!

Dakota, what Knight series? Are you talking about Judith McNaught?

8/29/2006 08:25:00 PM  

Anonymous Desiree said...

You bitches are awesome!!! I love this post. And thanks for the heads up about these books... lol!

8/29/2006 09:21:00 PM  

Anonymous English Teacher said...

All right, girls. You've shaken my faith. I've been lurking around here for months, agreeing with most everything you say, but today you've gone too far.
Your literature professor may have been cute enough to flirt with, but he clearly was not a very good teacher. I love SL! I also happen to be a teacher, and I work my arse off to do a good job teaching this book to my college prep junior English class. The majority of the students come away liking, or at least respecting the book. Let's hear it for good teaching!

8/29/2006 10:17:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hey English Teacher! :D

I also don't think he's a good teacher LOL! He's very cute though, fun, and quite young to be a lit prof. :P

As you can see, personally hated SL. I guess it's not just for me. So, all your students liked it? Hmm.. Maybe if you were my prof, things would have come off differently. ;)

Btw, i lub lit class LOL. I loveloveLOVE mythologies. Also, J Austen, LM Alcott, DH Lawrence, Joseph Bedier.. AGE OF INNOCENCE too i liked. Can't remember the others now LOL. Hope you post often!

8/29/2006 10:34:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Okay, er, have to correct myself. I think Bedier was only the translator? LOL Nevertheless, i liked him. :P

8/29/2006 10:51:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis said...

Great list! English teacher, I didn't like Scarlet Letter too. LOL Harlot, I agree with the AB series. LKH should end it already, it's just getting worse!

I liked SEP's Honey Moon, though agree with the others about Glitter Baby and Hot Shot. Ack! LH, I loved her Mr Perfect and Mackenzie's Mountain.

I think the only JM contemp that I liked, Paradise and Perfect. The rest are blah.

8/29/2006 10:58:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

I too didn't like Scarlet Letter. Like Ames, couldn't even finish it. Moby Dick, one of the most, if not the most BORING book I've E-VER read!!!

I have yet to read Story of O but I've heard a lot about it. Actually I've seen a copy at the UBS and it's a thin book, like 100 pages or so?

AB should die! But since there are still many fans who buy the books (I think Dance Macabre is still on Amazon's bestsellers list) no way the series would be ending anytime soon! LOL

Great list!

8/29/2006 11:20:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

Harlot, I like Scarlet Letter! Though I agree with Anna Karenina and Moby Dick.

I've yet to read Robin Scone but that last book looks extremely bad. LOL Great list!

8/29/2006 11:33:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

Isabella, yes. DIdn't she have a series called Knight in Shining Armor? Or have I confused her with someone else, love?

DC :)

8/30/2006 12:00:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Hey DC!
Except for McNaught's newest, i've read everything by her. Am pretty sure she doesn't have a series called Knight in Shining Armor. :/ Though she has one medieval book, which is simply A-MAZING. LOVED IT. What JM books have you read btw? I think her best are:

A KINGDOM OF DREAMS - the medieval book i was talking about ;)

8/30/2006 12:09:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Dakota, I think you're referring to Jude Deveraux. She has a book titled Knight in Shining Armor. :)

8/30/2006 12:11:00 AM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

OMG--yer right, Lollie and Harlot. (waving) I ALWAYS confuse them.

I've read both authors. I loved Jude's Knight series and don't care as much for her contemps. Loved Judith's stuff. She had one that made me cry :)

DC :)

8/30/2006 12:20:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Dakota, I love Jude's old books. My favorites - Knight in Shining Armor and Sweet Liar. Her Montgomery series is great, I always reread them when the mood strikes me. Here's the list for those who are interested:

- The Temptress
- The Awakening
- A Knight In Shining Armor
- Wishes
- Mountain Laurel
- The Duchess
- Eternity
- The Invitation
- The Heiress
- High Tide

8/30/2006 12:31:00 AM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

Ahhh, yes! Now some of those are the books that involve twin brothers, right?

DC :)

8/30/2006 12:34:00 AM  

Blogger Petra said...

Jude Deveraux's contemps are very forgettable. Why is this happening to authors? Their old books are always MUCH better than the newer ones? Howard, Garwood, McNaught... There's a patern too. All of them has moved into writing suspense. If only Garwood and JM will go back into writing historicals, I'll buy their books even without reading any synopsis.

8/30/2006 12:38:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Dakota, yes there are twins. Twin of Ice and Twin of Fire. Houston and Blair. I'm not quite sure but I think that's a different series. Heh. Her books are a bit confusing which ones are related to which since there are always recurring characters or someone connected to another and so on. :)

Petra, I agree with you! I too would love to see JG and JM go back into writing historicals. They're both in their element writing Regency or in JG's case, medieval Scots. Gotta love those men in kilts! Heheh

8/30/2006 12:49:00 AM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

Ya know, Petra what I think jappens? I think you get bored writing the same thing over and over. For an author, the book can take upward of months and after a time, just the mention of it makes ya cringe. LOL. The reader spends a fre hours or even days and it's over. You want more. we want to move on. LOL

So you spread your wings and dip into another portion of the vast wading pool known as writing. Sometimes you skip the surface like a stone, other times ya slip and fall in the deep end. LOL

SOme people like my contemps--most people like my paranormals :)Just depends.

And yeah, Lollie, that's what I meant. I so enjoyed them--except one made me a little unhappy with the ending :)

DC :)

8/30/2006 01:11:00 AM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

AAHHHH I'm reading Anna Karenina right now and she's driving me crazy! GRRR I agree with your list especially with Story of O. Gave me headaches reading that book, ack.

LMAO over that Awaken My Love book! Sounds like a science fiction nightmare!!! LOLLOLLOL

8/30/2006 08:04:00 AM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

Story of O is nowhere close to being a "hot" book. It's actually very cold. Harlot, you're right about that robot remark. It could have been such a good book but it fell flat. Great list!

Dakota, I think it's good romance authors are diverting into different genres. Still, I think that doesn't mean they should totally abandon the style many of their fans have come to love.

8/30/2006 12:12:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Dakota, I can see your point. Just like how annoying it is for readers to keep reading the same thing, must be the same for authors when it comes to writing. LOL But as Lorelei said, authors don't need to totally leave the categories(?) their fans have come to love. Garwood for one never looked back and is now just writing comtemporaries. I understand wanting to reach different kind of readers but what about her fans who love her historicals? Besides, IMO, her contemps are not as good as her historicals.

8/30/2006 01:27:00 PM  

Blogger Shoshana said...

KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR is by Jude Deveraux time travel.

Sorry if this is answered already, just that I haven't gota chance to peruse all comments.

8/30/2006 04:05:00 PM  

Blogger are you asking me to dance? said...

JRR Tolkien's LOTR books.

Oh, me too (although I liked the movies). And Pullman's trilogy. And Narnia and HP.

Other than Outlander (which I liked), I haven't read any of the other books listed. I don't remember when I stopped reading Jude Deveraux; I think I read most of the ones listed here though. I remember not really liking the ending of A Knight in Shining Armor, but not really why.

I wonder sometimes if a lot of writers tend to tell only one story or use the same themes in their work - which some do very well - like writing over and over (perhaps unintentionally) the same type of characters or similar plot, even if the setting or time period is different, if that makes any sense.

8/30/2006 07:01:00 PM  

Blogger bikeparts said...

Haha. I agree with Moby Dick. There has never been a book that so infuriated me. How many pages can you describe a frickin whale for? Well, the answer is forever if you're Melville. Disagree with The Scarlet Letter and Tolstoy's book, dug those.

8/30/2006 07:07:00 PM  

Anonymous TJ said...

Great list. Hehehehe. I agree with you on Moby Dick and Scarlet Letter. Dreadful books that need to die. May I just say, you book bitches are the best!

8/31/2006 11:50:00 PM  

Anonymous alb said...

I love Outlander! I love that you hate it.....I am laughing so hard!! I always thought the Scarlet Letter was quite pointless and despite Oprah's recommendation, I gave Anna whats-her-face the pass. Too funny!

9/01/2006 08:08:00 AM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

I can't believe Oprah recommended The Scarlet Letter. LOL Stupid book.

9/02/2006 02:47:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Oh, I've a HUGE list of these LOL Outlander covering the first three spots! LOL

9/03/2006 10:31:00 PM