Friday, August 18, 2006

And the bride wore...**

You know why Trollop has been extremely busy for the past couple of months?

What? Scholarship? Nahhh. The truth is, *whispers* there’s going to be a wedding. Uh-hmm. Not hers! Geesh, of course not. Oh dear lord—NOT MINE EITHER!!! *shudder* Actually, she’s helping a very “dear” friend organize her wedding LOL. Now, since I’m a most obliging bitch, I’ll let you guys in on what Trollop and her *ahem* “other best friend” has stumbled upon while searching for the perfect wedding accessories. Who knows, these, er, stuffs, can actually help those who are soon getting married or at least planning to. *g* (This is for you, babe. May you and your too expensive purrty dress have a blast tonight at the party. Don’t upstage the bride though, and don’t flirt with the groom this time!)

Strange headgears
Sleeves bigger than my head
  • This dress is made by Nike. Apparently, the bride has to pump her arms every fifteen minutes to keep the dress inflated.
  • This dress should come in handy if you’re getting married in Las Vegas.
Dual-use wedding gowns
  • Er, wedding dress or furniture? You decide.
  • Got a really big pipe that needs cleaning out? This dress is for you!
  • Okay, you need a gown in a hurry, and you know the folks who own the Lipizzaner stallions...
  • No, dear, that’s NOT what they mean by “Bridal Shower.”
“Dear Wedding Lady,
My butt isn’t big enough. How can I call attention to it?”

Flower abuse
What were they thinking?!?
Makes you think twice about getting married, doesn’t it? LOL How about you, any atrocious stories about your wedding (or any wedding you’ve attended) regarding gowns, embarrassing speeches, drunken/machete-weilding clowns, uninvited ex-lovers showing up, streakers with small/huge schlongs? :P

**Source of these horrendous crimes committed against brides, weddings—humanity, really.

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31 comment(s):

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

OHHHH YOU ROTTEN WOMAN! I'll get you back for this!

You know I HATE HATE HATE the bride *Grrr* She's a sanctimonous, preachy skanky ho'! The only reason I'm going is because there is no way in hell I'm letting bf go on his own *hmmmph*

Did I already mention I hate the bride? LOL

8/18/2006 12:12:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Oh good god LOL LOL LOL Where did you find those? LOL

Knowing L the magnificent idiot a.k.a. the bride, I wouldn't put it past her to wear the the "hoochie-coochie" dress LOL I'm talking about a girl who used to wear her school uniform's brown leather shoes out for clubbing with a black matronly leather purse :/

8/18/2006 12:26:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...


Have fun babe. :-P And don't flirt with the groom this time! LOL

8/18/2006 12:27:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

OMG, LMAO, Harlot!

Can you imagine the groom seeing his bride walking down the aisle towards him in any of these atrocities??

Strange coincidence.. at the bookstore today I noticed a mag called "The Knot". Competition for Modern Bride I guess.

Fun Post!

8/18/2006 12:36:00 PM  

Blogger Vixen said...

LOL, Harlot these dresses are entertainment!

Trollop, don't hurt any other ladies trying to catch the bouquet!

Hotmama, The Knot is a very new magazine. My good friend designs wedding dresses and has a ad spread in there. very cool!

8/18/2006 12:47:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

OMG, I just remembered MY WEDDING GOWN! IT'S HORRIBLE! It probably belong here in your collection. Uuggh!

It has this really puffy sleeves and HUGE ribbon on the back. I know. :S OMG What was i thinking?!?!

8/18/2006 12:56:00 PM  

Blogger Gun_Wielding_Bitch said...

I never understood why anyone would want pearls, sequence, glitter and all the other shit that makes the bride look like a bride magazine threw-up on her. To me, simple is elegant, les is more.

Through the ages if you look at the people that went with high fashion, we laugh at them, but if you look at the simple but stylishly dressed and we call them classic and vintage. When will people learn?

Here is a guide of what to avoid (in my humble opinion)

Lots of beading
Lots of sequence
Lots of glitter
Rhinestones, period.
A train longer than 5 feet
Poof (shoulders, butt, hemlines)
Excessive tulle

Here is a link to what I think is a pretty dress that I believe that won’t haunt you down the road:

I think this is timeless. Simple and beautiful.

8/18/2006 01:51:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Harlot, too funny! I think my favorite is the one who looks like a horse! LMAO

I'm not yet married but I once wore THE MOST HORRIBLE BRIDESMAID PIECE OF CRAP DRESS EVER! Why why why do brides do this to their bridesmaids????

8/18/2006 02:04:00 PM  

Blogger Vixen said...

GWB, that dress is beautiful and very classy. I am proud to say my dress was very simple and I like to think elegant. I did have a tiny bit of beading. I wish I had a picture I could link because I LOVE my dress, LOL. My sister had a poofy dress and kept trying to get me to try one on when it was my turn, I humored her and we both decided it wasn't for me. It somehow worked for her but I am very low key and the beads, poof was just not me.

Jolie, I too have a nightmare bridesmaid dress story. If I had a picture we could share horror stories. LOL, I burned all evidence though so no hope of that.

Here's a link to my friends dresses (not promoting just want to share some classy pics) I think these are beautiful and simply beautiful.

8/18/2006 02:46:00 PM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

OMG Harlot LOL! Trollop, I hope you have fun at the wedding. :)

Like Jolie, still not married (but have a wonderful boyfriend :P). Now I've attended a lot of horrible weddings but I'll never forget this particular one where the bride's grandmother fell on the cake. It's not supposed to be funny I know, especially at the time - she's really old, (and the reaction of the guests, someone even thought she died) but whenever I remember it, I can't help but laugh. LOL Everyone had fun anyway afterwards.

8/18/2006 02:51:00 PM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

Vixen, poofy is bad. LOL I'm glad you love your dress. :)

Jolie, I think everyone has a nightmare story about bridesmaid dresses. God knows I have. LOL Actually I don't think I've seen one that's actually pretty! OK, maybe once or twice. But the rest are just plain ugly! Yuck!

8/18/2006 02:55:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

LOL these are great! Thanks for the laugh, Harlot. :)

I got married when I was just 18, and I have to say I love my dress. It was just a simple form fitting halter style. I think my wedding went well. Considering the fact I couldn't stop tearing up no matter how hard I tried. :)

8/18/2006 03:18:00 PM  

Anonymous 2nd Amdt said...

Is that link to David's Bridal crashing their server? 'Cause I can't get the site to come up

Oh well, my wedding dress was probably not the most classic/enduring style. At least, I don't see a lot of the tule skirt overlays now-a-days, (not that I'm trolling wedding magazines), but my 'do was very classy. Wasn't as bad as my SIL's who wore her mother's dress - can you say ick?

I've been married for almost 13 years and still have stored my wedding dress. I refuse to do it until I can fit back in to the damn thing. It's hanging in my closet mocking my fat body.

8/18/2006 03:54:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

I loved my wedding dress as well, a long sleeved,form-fitting sheath with scalloped-carved v-neck (front and back) However, it was all lace with some sequins that caught in the dim lighting..tasteful, I think. Another However, it had a bustle thing that attached to the back and held a satin train. What's a wedding dress without a train?? lol

Loved my head piece too, and with my hair all off my face in an updo, I humbly say it looked just like Bride Magazine ;)

It's all beautifully preserved and sealed in a pretty box. Why, is the question I guess. I'd hate to see it "yellow" with age.

8/18/2006 04:39:00 PM  

Blogger Vixen said...

Hotmama, I do believe I've seen a picture of you in your dress and it is BEAUTIFUL!

My dress is preserved in a pretty box as well. I didn't want mine to yellow either. Plus, you never know if someone may want to wear it. My SIL wore my mother's wedding dress when she married my brother (although, they're getting divorced now so not sure that's a bright idea. LOL. Sorry, I shouldn't joke about that *shameful look*)

Trollop what will you be wearing to the wedding? A sexy dress perhaps. One that reveals those sexy legs you get from all that spinning? I'm assuming we'll see pictures!

8/18/2006 05:05:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Not yet married either, but oohhhhh those pics are hilarious!

When I get married, I just want a simple dress, a strapless A-line gown will do. I like the one Renee Zellwegger wore on her wedding to Kenny C. Wonder how much is that. LOL

8/18/2006 05:11:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

If I'm ever tempted to skip down the aisle again, I'll just look at those pics and be cured! I'll run the other way. lol

8/18/2006 05:13:00 PM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

Aggie, and here I was expecting you'll be wearing some funky dress! :P

Been married once, now divorced. I'm not walking down the aisle again any time soon, but when the right guy asks me, I want a beach wedding. LOL

Harlot, loved the pics!

8/18/2006 05:28:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Danielle, I loved Renee's gown too. I think it's really pretty. Too bad she and Kenny split up. Did anyone ever found out why? Have to say I was shocked when they separated, and just after what, five months of marriage? I thought they would make it. And now Nicole and Keith, another cowboy. Sigh.

8/18/2006 05:44:00 PM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

OMG LOLOLOL Harlot, thanks for that, too funny!

The dress for slimming hips, what the hell was that? Are these real wedding dresses? I mean, I can't believe anyone would actually wear those. The groom for one will be horrified! LMAO

8/18/2006 06:20:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

Yep, definitely a funky dress .. but not to a wedding *wink*
But to a dirty rich old pervs funeral .. I could be pursuaded ..

(shh, don't mention the word poison)

btw What does one wear to a trendy funeral these days? Is bright red the new black?

8/18/2006 07:09:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Aggie! LOL I think orange is perfect. :P

So I take it I'm the only one who hated her dress? This is unfair! Hurmph!

8/18/2006 07:49:00 PM  

Blogger C. said...

ROFLMAO!!! You bring me to tears!! I think if I ever do get married, I might have to elope to escape the curse of the horrid dresses!

8/18/2006 10:08:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

LMAO!!! Oh god, you BB crack me up! What the hell are those? I would rather be naked than wear the ugly weird ones on my wedding day! LOL

8/19/2006 06:53:00 AM  

Anonymous Britany said...

Good god, LMFAO!

I just stumbled upon your blog, Book Bitches, this blog is awesome! Keep bitchin!

8/19/2006 06:57:00 PM  

Blogger Shoshana said...

LOL. This is way too funny!
You see, on my first wedding (I had three) the gown doesn't fit me. They don't make minus 1 size fast enough. LOL. I almost didn't care, but on the third wedding, finally got a gorgeous wedding gown and then...the photographer I hired didn't have flash on his camera!

The only picture I have of me in wedding gown that's decent is with a frumpy gown, and the gorgeous gown? I have pictures of me like a ghost. All wobbly and yak!

I would go for a fourth wedding, but I'd rather save it for "the girl" when she gets married someday.

8/19/2006 07:51:00 PM  

Blogger T-girl said...

OMG! WHERE did you FIND those monstrosities?????

My dress was VERY simply but at the same time had a bit of pazzaz! It actually had embroidered flowers on the bodice in really really REALLY light pastels, not a lot but just a bit then the empire waisted skirt fell down to the floor. It SOUNDS atrocious but seriously everyone was like "what a pretty dress." I have to be honest when I first saw it I was like "yeck!" but my Sister and Mom finally talked me into it as it was "so me!" LMAO Now I am glad! The skirt was REALLY soft also, my husband kept fingering the damn thing all night... along with various children! LMAO

8/20/2006 04:01:00 AM  

Blogger Gun_Wielding_Bitch said...

Jolie and Bradshaw,

I'm so with you on the bullshit bridesmaid’s dresses we are FORCED to wear. I was maid of honor (OK, really, who is "honored" to be a fuckin' maid?) at my bestfriend’s wedding and she said I could pick out the dress. Then she changed her mind (after I picked one that was PERFECT) and went with this GORGOUS black and white, a-line, strapless. All the other little bitches, er, I mean, bridesmaids, looked great in it. I, however, looked like a walking pair of breasts. When you have DDD's, YOU DON’T GO STRAPLESS! Well, unless you're a whore working your corner. I gave some protest but it was futile and no one looked me in the face the entire night. Now I have to have an 8x10 of the wedding party, up in my house, where all those little bitches, er, bridesmaids, look stunning, all the guys look great, my bestfriend looks beautiful and my breasts are just there. Why did I pay to get my make-up done, you can’t see it anyway?

I know it was her wedding but if your BESTFRIEND and MAID OF HONOR isn't comfortable in the dress, why force them into it? When I get married, that bitch, er, my bestfriend, is wearing bright ORANGE with PINK polka dots and a giant hoop skirt!

8/21/2006 08:33:00 AM  

Blogger Mailyn said...

Man that Gypsy outfit is hella cools for Halloween...watcha talking 'bout????


8/21/2006 10:40:00 AM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Mailyn, too bad she's not going to a Halloween party. It's her wedding for crying out loud! LOL

8/21/2006 01:59:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I do this? Can I really? YESSS! Love this site! I have been a BM 9 times and MOH 4 times. I love my awesome girlfriends and was honored to help them with their day. I have seen some AMAZING brides, and I have seen the crabbiest, most self-centered brides. Before I go into my rant on the horrid, uber-nazi, fat pig bitch bride, I’ll tell you about a few great ones. One lost her hoop 1 hour before the ceremony. She held her chin up, said, “eff-it…I still look great” and ROCKED her fabulousness!” Another had a BM miss the ceremony…yet said, “Oh well, my hubby showed up and he’s the only one I need!” Another had many different sized bridesmaids (and all with different budgets.) She told her BMs: Just buy a dress that is black and floor length. The result: every girl chose a dress that fit her budget and a dress they REALLY liked. Her pictures are beautiful, and I still think she is the greatest! Now, onto the biggest disaster bride ever: Let’s refer to her as TH (aka tricked him.) I’ll admit, I have been blessed with good genes. I am tall, thin and got lucky with a pretty face. I am not bragging. I had nothing to do with it. TH is nice looking, but has never been a beauty. She is short, and always has been on the chubby side. It is a total mystery to me why she kept me as a friend…because (and she has told me this) she only likes to be seen with heavier girls that are shorter than her. I guess I made the cut ONLY because we have been friends since we were 12. I explain this because of how AWFUL she was to me! I can’t slice off 6 inches of my height! She wanted me to wear my hair COMPLETELY slicked back so I couldn’t have even a centimeter extra in height. Of course I had to wear flats. She had to drudge up people she hadn’t seen for 5 years and family just to come up with four BM’s. She barraged us with the most ridiculous requests…but before each demand proclaimed, “Y’all KNOW I am NOT being a bridezilla, BUT….” Here is what followed:
1. Everyone MUST wear sun-tan colored hose (our dresses were floor length and she had an Atlanta August wedding!) 2. Everyone should wear their hair up… and that girl with the cute bob, please slick it back. 3. But, DON’T get a poofy updo. I want the biggest prom queen hair and tiara. No one can have cute hair unless you are wearing the white dress. 4. I don’t care what jewelry you wear. But it needs to be silver and can’t have rhinestones. I need to have the funnest, flashiest bling! 5. I don’t think I am being picky, but I do believe it is important that we all wear the EXACT same shade of nail polish. 6. I don’t want anyone to wear perfume. 7. I don’t care how you wear your make up. But, don’t have dark lips or wear liner on your lower lids.

Want to know why I called her TH? (Tricked Him) It is because that lying fat cow acted like she loved working out! The second that ring was on her finger the 5K’s stopped. The dieting stopped. The gym visits stopped. When she walked down the aisle she was 20 lbs heavier than when they dated. She has since gained 20 more. (She is 5’5”) Oh and she promptly quit her job and moved into that 8 bedroom house. They haven’t been married 4 months and he has already said he hates the day he married her! She has had two mysterious “miscarriages” (doubtful since he barely sleeps with her.) But she uses THAT as her excuse for not working out or getting a job. This poor guy! He thought he was marrying a professional, independent woman who enjoyed an active lifestyle. He got: a needy, fat, lazy, money spending, self centered middle aged CHILD! Even better….all of the bridesmaids paid for everything because she claimed the wedding ate up all of the money. Really? Because we don’t have a new car, an eight bedroom house nor a 6 week honeymoon! I have added it all up. Her stupid wedding cost me $3700!!!!! I paid for her shower. I paid for the dress, the shoes, the 3 flights, the Bachelorette party, two nights in a hotel. Four days of rental cars. Two hair appointments for girls I do NOT know, and did not receive a thank you. She was mean and awful and rude to me the entire time. Thanks FH! Oh….I only talk to her now because I like hearing her cry because her husband is so disgusted by her new “look.” It is certainly NOT to hear her “advice” on why I am still single...and how sad it must be to be me. Yeah right. I have healthy relationships with GREAT guys. I have a neat house I paid for on my own. I didn’t settle for the first guy that would date me for more than 2 months, like her. I didn’t sleep around like a whore (and she did…trust me! I can rattle off more than 60 men she has slept with…but now she acts like the Mother Mary when it comes to dating advice!) I will marry one day. And, I will be one of the cool brides I have mentioned above. And, finally…to all of the brides who buy their bridesmaid’s dresses: Where are you!?! I WISH that had happened, just once, to me! I would wear a toilet paper dress in pea green, with a SMILE, if someone else paid for it! You rock!

6/20/2007 09:00:00 PM