Friday, July 27, 2007

Dear Live Free or Die Hard also known as Die Hard 4 or Die Hard 4 POINT 0 (for fuck's sake) writers

First off, congratulations on a job well done. You brought back bad-ass John McClane with his twinkling devilish eyes and side-way smiles—older and balder, yes, but still THE man. I admit, oh, what fun. Truly, goody good good... I have only one complain: Matthew Farrell? Seriously? Matt “Harlot’s One & Only Uber True Love” Farrell??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT?!?

If you’re trying to kill me—no, erase that—bury me alive, kicking and screaming “MATTHEW FARRELL’S NAME IS FUCKING SACRED!!!” you almost did the job, you insensitive warts of fothermuckers! Justin Long?!? *shock* *gasp* Oh, my heart, my heart! *clutch*clutch* Oh, Jesus, let me breathe!!!

Let me tell you about my undying forever EVAAAAHH love for Matt Farrell of Judith McNaught’s Paradise, the reason I believe in romance, the man who has RUINED ME FOR ALL OTHERS. Aye. It’s because of him I spent my 18th birthday waiting for an extremely handsome, intensely sexual man wearing a borrowed tux—who’d tease me and dance with me slowly on the terrace—smile adoringly into my eyes and kiss me under an ancient elm tree when the fireworks started. Oh, my love, my darling!

It’s because of him I’ve yearned for a man who’d desire and love me BADLY, with EVERY fiber of his ENTIRE being; completely and absolutely. A man who’d feel that being in bed with me made him crazy with wanting; who’d say to me, his harsh voice in complete opposition to the poignancy of his words, “I’ve wanted you every day of my godforsaken life.” (Ohhh, Matt... I quiver!) A man who’d pursue me with disarming charm, woo me with tenacity, take me with CONSUMING passion and whisper lovingly to me, “If you’ll go to bed with me, I’ll give you the world. If you’ll move in with me, I’ll give you paradise on a golden platter. Anything you want—everything you want. I come with it, of course. It’s a package deal.” Oh, Matt... TAAAAAAKKKEE MEEEEEE!!! *sob*

This is why you, Die Hard writers, have committed a HORRIFYINGLY UNPARDONABLE SIN for naming a geeky, wimpy, scaredy, not so very handsome-y sidekick computer techie after MY Matthew Farrell! The horror—oh, the horror! *clutching my heart* *trying to breathe* Oh, you wound me so. So deep. I bleed. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. NEVEEEEERRR!!!!!

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.
Harlot Farrell


Labels: , , , ,

31 comment(s):

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

That's all fine and dandy Harlot, but you do know that Matt Farrell is taken, right?!?! HE'S TAKEN BY MOI!!!!!

7/27/2007 12:42:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh, please, you romance hero snob. You only want Matt because he's uber rich! He's MINE anyway.

Harlot Farrell

7/27/2007 12:45:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

LOL. I love Paradise too. Sigh. Matt is amazing. But there are parts in Paradise that are a bit dull. I didn't like all that business part.

Now, my favorite JM book is Something Wonderful. That book is just the sweetest thing ever. Warm sweet romance. The best there is!

7/27/2007 03:17:00 PM  

Blogger Mailyn said...

LMFAO!!!! That, er, went well. Can't say I know who Mathew is but I absolutely LOVED DIE HARD. They need to make more, more, more!!!

I heard Willis say he didn't mind making another so long as it was good. I hope he does. :-(

Oh and another PotC with Jack would be good as well. :-P

7/27/2007 03:39:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

LOL! Harlot, I noticed it as well when I saw Die Hard. When they said Matt Farrell, I immediately thought of Paradise's Matt Farrell. Yippekiyay!

Mailyn, I'm a fan too. I read somewhere that Bruce is making more Die Hard movies. I think he should. The last one totally rocks!

7/27/2007 04:49:00 PM  

Blogger Babz said...

"Harlot's ONE and ONLY love"?


Keep saying it, hot thang, and I'll keep shoving Daniel Craig in yo face.

*evil laugh*

7/27/2007 06:33:00 PM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

LOL. I love Paradise too and Matthew Farrell is the perfect man. He is one of my favorite heroes. :)

I have to agree with Petra about Something Wonderful. Also Once and Always. Jason... yowza. Now that man is hot!

7/27/2007 06:46:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Gasp! You haven't read JM's Paradise??? You can't call yourself a true blue romance lover until you have read this book!

P.S. Didn't like POTC3 :/ (Trollop loved it though) but i read that they will make another Pirates about that fountain of youth Jack got a map of in the end.

You don't understand. *sniff* I don't know if you've read my "About" but like it says there, i don't care even if you present me with Brad Pitt with Gorgeous Clooney on the side, i'm choosing MY Matt Farrell. Ohhh, I love him. Oh, i do! He's my uber UBER true love. And true love lasts a lifetime. So yep, you can have Daniel Craig. ;)

I think Jason is fucking hot. I've always thought of him as this bloke who's great in the sack, heh. Have to say though, not a fan of his. :/ Matt would never NEVER treat a woman the way Jason treated Victoria. Yes, he can be sweet but he's a brute! He basically raped her on their wedding night!

7/27/2007 07:05:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

I have a question. Harlot has mentioned being "ruined" by Matt. Do you think heroes like him make reading romance a bit damaging to women's psyches?

Let's face it, we all want someone like Matt. But that's not realistic. Men in real life are not like Matt Farrell. Real men aren't perfect. Real men can't compete with the heroes of romance novels. Women therefore end up being disappointed.


7/27/2007 07:58:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

I have to add this, Harlot Jason Fielding is lovely. It was just a misunderstanding!


7/27/2007 08:02:00 PM  

Blogger Babz said...

LOL I did read your 'about', but a looong time ago so I can't remember. But that book is in my TBR anyways so I shall read it pronto to know what you're talking about ;)

I think my one love in contemporary romance.. Drake from Katie MacAlister's Aisling Grey series. I KNOW, I know, many doesn't like her, but Drake is TO DIE FOR. Or maybe one of those cowboys from Catherine Anderson's books. *hyperventilating*

Ok I'm rambling. Shutting up now.

7/27/2007 08:17:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Babz, I like the Aisling Grey series. Lol. I thought Drake is totally scrumptious. I particularly like the demon dog, he has the best lines in the book!


7/27/2007 08:36:00 PM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

Hahahaha! That was funny! I saw Die Hard 4 the other week and recognized Matt Farrell's name. On Justin's defense, I think he's adorable. :)

Matt Farrell is wonderful. I think Meredith is extremely lucky!

7/27/2007 09:22:00 PM  

Blogger Mailyn said...

Isabella I agree! We even had a Die Hard marathon at my house after we saw DH4.

Harlot dahling, I never said I was a true blue romance lover! I'm more of a fantasy and mystery girl. Gotta love people dying left and right! :-P

7/27/2007 10:51:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

LOL. I've yet to read Paradise but I loved Die Hard! Isn't Bruce Willis amazing? I think he should do Die Hard movies till he die. :P

7/28/2007 06:26:00 AM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

LMAO! Harlot, you crack me up. Funny, now that you mention it, Justin Long's name in the movie is Matt Farrell. I was so engrossed with watching the movie I didn't notice that tidbit.

I love Judith McNaught. I loved almost all of her books. I wish she would write another historical because she is better with those than with contemporary romances.

Favorite JM: A Kingdom of Dreams

7/28/2007 08:29:00 AM  

Anonymous Andy said...

LOL! I loved Paradise too but I prefer Clayton of Whitney, My Love over Matt.

7/28/2007 11:08:00 AM  

Blogger Menchie said...

Matt Farrell in Paradise is YUMMY. Though I'm a bit partial to Adam Black from KMM's Highlander series.

7/28/2007 11:13:00 AM  

Anonymous Joline said...

I love Matt Farrell too! I read Paradise when I was in high school eight years ago. I'm in a committed relationship right now for four years, and I admit that I'm still hoping that someone like Matt would sweep me off my feet! That book just influenced my life that I even tried to take Business as my major. I'm a Paradise nut.

7/28/2007 12:08:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Welcome. Hope you join us often. :D

Clay? Clayton Westmoreland? The one who flogged Whitney? The one who spend half of the book shoving Whitney around (note to men: NOT romantic AT ALL), always in rage and haulled Whitney from a ball because it's his "right" to rape her? Oh, almost forgot, isn't he the same guy who suspected his wife of carrying another man's child based from a stupid proof? That Clay? :P

7/28/2007 01:05:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Romance novels make me dream about my "perfect" man and the relationship i want to have with the said man. I have high standards, yes, (any smart woman should) but of course i also have realistic ones. I'm not saying stories from romance novels can't be real because they can. But as i said before, i think most women are capable of distinguishing fantasy from reality, and that a smart woman would know reality matters not if one cannot dream.

I don't expect the man i fall in love with to vanquish all my enemies, scoop me up on his white steed and carry me off to his beautiful castle. Nope LOL. But like Matt, i expect--no, i DEMAND my man to be faithful, supportive, to love me and ONLY me, want me and ONLY me, desire me and ONLY me. That's what reading romance does to me: it strengthens my conviction that women should be treated with tenderness and respect.

Is it unrealistic to ask for faithfulness, playfulness, respect, passion, security and good sex from the man who will share your life? I hope not. ;)

7/28/2007 01:13:00 PM  

Anonymous Desiree said...

Matthew Farrell is hot but he's nothing compare to Mr. Darcy.

7/28/2007 03:04:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

LOL. Matt Farrell is one of the best heroes of romance novels. I didn't like Paradise that much however. I prefer Ms. McNaught's historicals particularly A Kingdom of Dreams, Once and Always, Something Wonderful.

7/28/2007 04:06:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Harlot! LOL. I want to say I love Matt too but I'm afraid that might get me into trouble. :P Anyway, there has to be a decree that the name Matthew/Matt Farrell should only be used by very sexy and very handsome men!

Jason of Once and Always is hot!

7/28/2007 05:25:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

"That's what reading romance does to me: it strengthens my conviction that women should be treated with tenderness and respect."

Well said, Harlot :)


7/28/2007 07:32:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Just thought of a new post based from everyone's answers. :P Danielle, i agree. Actually, no one else should use that name period!

Love love love Something Wonderful and A Kingdom of Dreams!

7/29/2007 10:31:00 AM  

Blogger Babz said...

Just finished reading "Paradise". Hm. Farell is verra hot but I'd still take Drake. The 80-ness of the book made me cringe! Sorry.

7/29/2007 01:34:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Babz, it's alright, gorgeous. He is mine anyway. ;)

7/29/2007 02:23:00 PM  

Blogger said...

Oh, and here I thought you were talking about that Irish actor.

7/29/2007 09:13:00 PM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

Lol. Matt Farrell is yummy!

I've never seen a Die Hard movie, how many are there? A friend said the last installment is really good, though I have to admit this kind of movie does not intrigue me at all...

7/29/2007 09:54:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

You're talking about Colin Farrell! LOL. Now, i know he's sexy too and incredibly fuck-worthy--oh boy, he is--but he is no Matt Farrell. ;P

As of now, there are four Die Hard movies. (Snape is the original villain. ;)) Matt Farrell aside, i think Bruce should do more. If Harrison Ford could still do Indiana Jones now that he's 60, why can't Bruce?

7/30/2007 07:54:00 AM