Monday, December 18, 2006

Dear Santa: It's me, Harlot

Hola Santa,

It’s me again, the “dirty wench.” How are the elves? No, no... as promised, no pastry gifts from me, *rolls eyes* but you better tell Barnaby as he keeps asking me for cookies. He said something about being a Secret Kringle to a pestering snowman. Er, kinda confused about that, actually. :/

Santa, I hope I caught you in a very jolly mood because, um... I’m sorta gonna ask something biggie this time. I know I still haven’t been nice this year (I swear I’m trying—really, really!) but remember, you promised me a gift each Christmas. Yep. Now, since my fervent wish of being the woman who finally bore Brad Pitt a child is viciously snatched away from me by a pillow-lipped vampire, and unless you finally realized giving me Prince William as my honeybunch majesty is a fantabulous idea (seriously, it is!—I swear, I’ll even learn how to do his laundry!—I bet that Middleton wench can’t do that! *hmph*), I know exactly what I want this year...

Last night as I was walking in a no-snow ground, every where I fucking—oh, sorry—freaking look, there were couples everywhere the hearts floating around would have made Trollop gag. But while I glanced at their stupidly smitten faces, I felt like... *sad* *squirms* everyone but me is in lurve... :( Dunno why, it never bothered me before... but now... well, now it kinda does. That’s why this year, could you purty please, with Nutella on top, I want you to deliver my uber true love in a big red bow.

I know being single during the holidays has its own perks. I don’t have to spend a lot of money and get fussy finding “that perfect gift”; I could buy something purty for myself instead! I could go Christmas shopping non-stop without hearing a whiny “Baby, do we have to go in there?” I could even decorate my tree in purple and pink bows and no one would groan and complain that it’s too girlie! *hmph*

I don’t have to watch the bloody Christmas football games. Rather, I’d sit down with a warm hot choco or eggnog and watch a studful movie like Troy or a marathon of Grey’s Anatomy. (I get warm inside just thinking of almost naked yummilicious bronzed warlords or McSteamy!) I have more time to spend with MY family and MY friends. I’d have dinner wherever I want and spend Christmas HOWEVER I want—instead of pretending having fun with people I don’t even know out of obligation. I’d even kiss whoever I bloody want under a mistletoe!

Still... I’ve thought about this and, despite all that, I have concluded that with my true lurve on my side, I’d be a better person. Mm-hmm. (Isn’t that what you want, Santa?) First, I won’t be as cranky. Blinding orgasms have a way of soothing even a cantankerous Harlot. See the logic? This leads me to my second conclusion: I’d be muchos happier! Much, much more! A good man brings out the best in every woman, I’ve been told. :P I guess it’s also good I’d be occupied I won’t have too much time to think of Trollop.**

Alright then, I have a few requirements. You see, Santa, I’m being helpful so you won’t have difficulty scanning some jackasses. (Of course if you’d fetch me my own Matt Farrell, then you won’t have any more problems! :D)

Santa, focus, this is verra important! Are ya focusing?!? Okay. I want someone as “dirty” and as passionate as me. More so, if you please. Someone intelligent, sexy, fun, charming, supportive who will no doubt be forever faithful to me. (If he’s uber rich that’d be nice too LOL.) He won’t wake up one day and realize I’ve gained some weight or won’t complain that I can’t cook/bake, is a plant-killer and sometimes hates things that bark, meow, tweet and moo. :/ Of course I am the object of his undying devotion and every desire. I mean, he wants me so badly, with every fiber of his being, so absolute is his wanting he’ll ache with it. I don’t need someone who follows rules, I want someone who bends them for me—and ONLY for me.

Hmm... I think that’s it. That’s all I want really, just for me under the Christmas tree. Something all mine. And if he comes with a big red bow—oh joy, much better. *sigh* I’ll be waiting!

Sincerely naughty,

**I can’t really expound on what it is Trollop’s doing to me. All I can say is she’s driving me awfully nutty lately and she’s doing it deliberately. :/ The thing is, I don’t think she’s aware of how much she’s killing me... :( Pretty sure I told her I take dying very seriously... Ti voglio bene, babe.
***I thought you should know. Remember JKR, that sadistic witch we visited last year? She’s doing it again, Santa! Honestly, waiting for HP7 is doing irrevocable damage to my sanity. Not only that! I’m afraid she’d finish Harry off using blast-ended skrewts or something uber uber UBER VILE. Really, she’s nasty like that!!!

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22 comment(s):

Anonymous Rebelheart said...

Oh Harlot!!Add my name to that letter....This is my wish too,but I'm afraid even the might Santa can't do nothing about it!

12/18/2006 10:45:00 AM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

Pillow lipped vampire? LMAO!

Love your letter Harlot. And I hope you'll get what you want this Christmas. :)

P.S. I love JKR but she is a vicious b*tch sometimes! Arrrrgh!!!

12/18/2006 11:34:00 AM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

Oh, by the way, if Santa is giving away "uber true love", could you pretty please mention my name too? That's what I want as well. Hahaha!

Happy holidays everyone. :D

12/18/2006 11:37:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Harlot, only you could make being single during Christmas sounds good!

I have to agree about the football games! Seriously, would you please get out of the couch and help me with our Christmas gifts??! I guess I shouldn't complain much as the husband put up all our Christmas decors and he let me decorate our tree whichever way I want... ;P

Wishing you happy holidays, BBs!

12/18/2006 11:54:00 AM  

Blogger Polly King said...

Harlot, I think this is the best Dear Santa letter I have ever read. It's only fair that you should get what you want this Christmas. ;)

That mention of Harry Potter reminded me of something. If I'm to write Santa, I would ask of only one thing: HP7!!! I really want to know what will happen already. Is Snape batting for the good side or the bad ones? Is Dumbledore ever going back? What about Malfoy, what will happen to the little prat? Who will die? How will Harry going to find all that horcruxes? I am getting obsessed with HP and this is all your fault BBs! Aaaaaaahhhhh!

12/18/2006 01:13:00 PM  

Anonymous Andy said...

Harlot, I love this... lmao

Season's greetings!


12/18/2006 01:22:00 PM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

What is it about the Christmas season that brings the best or worst of someone?

Hope you get the "present" you want Harlot. ;)

12/18/2006 02:26:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Lovely letter, Harlot. Now it's true that a good man brings out the best in every woman. It's also true that you have to give some sacrifices to achieve that state. Like spending holidays with your in laws even if some of them are not to your liking!

12/18/2006 02:31:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Re: Seriously, would you please get out of the couch and help me with our Christmas gifts??!

Men!!! And then they have the gall to complain that you're taking so long with your Xmas shopping!

12/18/2006 02:33:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Love your letter Harlot. :)

If Santa would give me one gift, I don't want to just watch McSteamy on TV, I want him, the real thing delivered to me! LOL

12/18/2006 02:44:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Petra, exactly!

12/18/2006 02:48:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

"Can't cook, bake, is a plant killer and sometimes hates things that bark, meow, tweet and moo."

Harlot, you are so funny, lol! I think every single gal has the same wish as you. Although not all of them can say it as eloquent or as demanding as you. ;P

Love the part why being single during the holidays is not that bad. :)

12/18/2006 04:17:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis said...

Love your letter Harlot. I'd say I want my own Matt Farrell as well but I am currently very happy with someone else. I hope you do get your own Matt. :)

12/19/2006 06:54:00 AM  

Anonymous tinker bell said...

What a lovely letter. Shopping would probably be less enjoyable but everyone needs an "uber true love" especially during Christmas. :)

Can you believe just 6 more days and it's Christmas already?

12/19/2006 07:31:00 AM  

Blogger Sabby said...

I think one of the hardest things in life is finding love. Not just love, but something true and will last forever. If you are lucky to find it, grab hold of it and never let go. Harlot, I hope you get what you're looking for soon. :) Happy holidays everyone!

12/19/2006 08:12:00 AM  

Blogger Sabby said...

I see you gals had discussed "Something Borrowed for your book club. Is "Baby Proof" the third book in a series? After reading the blurb, I'm not sure if it is.

12/19/2006 08:19:00 AM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Harlot, love your letter! So funny about the perks of singlehood during Christmas, LOL, and I so agree. But I admit I'd rather have my BF with me than spend Christmas without him...

12/19/2006 09:54:00 AM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

Pillow-lipped vampire. ROFLMAO

You slay me :)

If I don't catch you guys here before I hit the road for MI with my sweetie--do have a wonderful holiday and the most prosperous of new years :)

Hugs and sloppy kisses,
DC :)

12/19/2006 12:58:00 PM  


What in the name of all that is holy is going on in this place? I must have taken a wrong turning somewhere in blogland to end up in this madhouse. Sheesh.

First things first....

Re: Seriously, would you please get out of the couch and help me with our Christmas gifts??!

Eh, no. (I'm pretty sure I speak for all men with that one).

But Harlot. Harlot, Harlot, Harlot, mon ami. You need to lay off of Santa. The poor guy is snowed under at this time of year and will not, I imagine, look favourably on your uber-demanding wish-list. Give the man a break.

You should lower your expectations. Ask him for a nice dress or, I don't know, a pencil or something. You stand less chance of being disappointed. Personally, I always ask Santa to give me something really disappointing. That way it is impossible to be disappointed when your gifts are a disappointment because you're getting exactly what you asked for. Never fails.

(if you're reading this though, Mr Santa Sir, have you got anything in your grotto that might help a guy with a malfunctioning, erm, man-root? Much obliged, Mr Claus. There's a cup of port and a sweet biscuit in it for you. Oh, and my girlfriend said to ask you for a rabbit this year. A pink one? She might have been confused. Still, it's nice to see her take an interest in animals. Thank you, Your Holiness.)

Where was i? Yes. Stop it already.

Kind regards and greetings from Ireland etc....

12/19/2006 01:24:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

My dear Mr. Periodic Englishman,
I've always thought, never settle for less when i can have something better or more. LOL, welcome. :)

Gorgeous, hope you have a fantabulous holiday and new year too. Hi to R! :D

12/19/2006 01:32:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Uber rich is very nice, indeed. Hahaha...

Have a wonderful Christmas, bitches!

12/20/2006 01:16:00 AM  

Blogger Shoshana said...

Harlot, I'm sure JKR is relieved your ire isn't all about her this year!

12/20/2006 03:27:00 AM