His ever throbbing manroot
I think we’ll all agree (unless you are verra, verra weird) that sex scenes in romance novels are absolutely and positively non-negotiable. And I don’t mean just any ol’ half-assed sex scene; it has to be a well written, come in your pants HOT, drool falling down your chin, smoke coming from under the covers fantabulous sex scene! And we all agree, in order to achieve that we’ll need a penis,** right? A hard one at that too.As a normal hot-blooded young
So, I was reading Passion by Lisa Valdez when I came across this:
His blood coursed and his cock throbbed painfully. So painfully, that he glanced down. Christ! His prick was so big; it looked frightening even to him. The head rose dark and purple from the top of his reddened shaft, yet no moisture escaped to soothe his stretched skin. He was dry, dry and hard as steel.
“Does it hurt?”
His sac felt heavy. “Yes. Does it frighten you?”
This made me wonder how
I’ve put together a list of the most common euphemisms authors use instead of the clinical penis or the raunchy cock. Some are funny, most are embarrassing and a few of them outright scary! LOL Which ones are your favorites? *g*
- phallus
- maleness
- male member
- virile masculinity
- his source of heat
- hot flesh
- scorching loins
- love’s sweet arrow
- sword of his desire
- towering lance of love
- fiery brand
- fullness
- hardness
- hard male heat
- rock-hard male loins
- his driving need
- his tumescent tube of fire
- hot bulging manhood
- hot distended flesh
- hot swollen shaft
- sinewy length of him
- iron-hard tumescence
- aroused flesh
- raging monster of his lust
- throbbing love machine
- heat-seeking moisture missile
- blatant, aggressive, magnificent arousal
- bulging erection
- burgeoning shaft
- oh so aching cock
- his eagerness
- pulsing core
- pulsating manhood
- erect rod
- engorged inflamed sex
- growing arousal
- evidence of his arousal
- evidence of his own instant bulge
- mounting molten member
- rapidly growing shaft
- love tool
- the bald avenger
- intumescent member
- stirring manhood
- straining masculinity
- straining, thick and strong against his pants
- the dragon of his desire writhed beneath his tight-stretched trousers
- rousing erection
- swelling in his loins
- swollen big dick
- rigid/turgid part of him
- rock-hard schlong
- hard pulse of his arousal
- hardness of his burning loins
- thick engorged shaft
- throbbing aching erection
- thrusting possession
- thrusting poweful hardness
- huge fucking cock
**Unless it’s female-female type of romance, then dunno how they manage. :/
***A description like that would frighten even Tracy Lords, for crying out loud. Didn’t you hear from Trollop what ten-and-a-half-inch monster Mark (the hero) has???
Labels: cock fetish, ooh la la fabio, romance baby, some like it hot
OMG, Harlot!!! Heat seeking moisture missile? The bald avenger????
Oh god, I LOVE THIS! Laughing so hard my coworkers are looking at me weird! LMAO
You bitches are the best!!!!!
8/24/2006 11:03:00 AM
LOL!! or his tumescent tube of fire!! And what if a guy ever used some of those phrases, I would probably laugh so hard, it would definitely kill the mood!!
8/24/2006 11:05:00 AM
Forgot to say LOVE the stud on the pic! Yum! Now I won't mind caressing the "dragon of his desire"! LOL LOL LOL
8/24/2006 11:14:00 AM
That "dragon of his desire writhed beneath his pants" is my fave!!!
How ridiculous some of these terms are! Makes you wonder what the hell authors were thinking when they wrote them. I doubt anyone would actually refer to a/his penis as "towering lance of love"! LOL!
8/24/2006 11:40:00 AM
"Bald avenger"? Does that mean he has a shaved cock? Oh god, this is funny!!! Can ANYONE actually say these words without laughing? If anyone tells me, "hold my magnificent member" I would roll on the floor laughing lol!
8/24/2006 12:03:00 PM
This is the reason why i won't be reading inspirational romances. Have nothing against it, just not for me. I need laving in my books because i tend to get bored without it. And yes, penis mention is very important. :P
Men would probably cringe with some of these terms. I can't blame them, some are freaking weird! LOL But really, if i were a man, do i want my penis mentioned? Well, if i'm the owner of said erection, then HELL YEAH!
8/24/2006 12:40:00 PM
Harlot, lol, thanks for the laugh! Did you invent some of these terms? I don't even know what tumescent mean! "Dragon of his desire"? "Heat seaking missile"? LMAO
8/24/2006 12:48:00 PM
LMAO, Harlot, you have such a way with words!!
What books did you find these in? I've never heard a penis called some of these things..and I read some very racey romances!
Your missing one that I tend to like..."heavy erection" Heavy being a particularly visual description *wink*
VERY GOOD , very funny Harlot!
8/24/2006 12:52:00 PM
Love, Love the pic!
8/24/2006 12:53:00 PM
Oh, one I've seen lately, "tented his jeans".
8/24/2006 12:56:00 PM
Oh my god, Harlot, what the hell are these terms? Too funny!!!!
In old romance novels, the terms I usually encounter are "manhood" and "his sex". I think I came across some of the weird euphemisms too but that "dragon of his desire..." tops the cake for me!
Fun post! Rock on bitches!
8/24/2006 01:06:00 PM
Thank god these terms are no longer being used! Some of these are flat out funny, no one in their right mind would find them arousing! And what's up with "manroot"? Ack! Whoever invented this term isn't right in the head. LOL!
8/24/2006 01:36:00 PM
Why don't they hard-on, cock, penis? Why do we need all the silliness? It breaks my concentration.
Seriously, who here has ever moaned, "Oh, yeah. Give me it to me, give me love's sweet arrow!"?
P.S. Add "fuck stick" to your list.
8/24/2006 01:36:00 PM
Some of these are hilarious! I just laughed out loud in my office when I saw "his tumescent tube of fire". What the?!
Loved the post!
Colleen
8/24/2006 01:39:00 PM
They forgot one eyed trouser snake. That's what I call mine ;)
8/24/2006 01:58:00 PM
:( Did you have to crop the picture so close?
Any way, you made some of those up, didn't you? What's on the agenda for tomorrow - euphemisms for the word vagina? Skip the pictures if it is.
8/24/2006 02:04:00 PM
Love these terms! Still LOLing here! Hahaha
Oh and Harlot, can I please have the hot naked dude? Pretty please!
8/24/2006 02:19:00 PM
Ladies,
you officially rock. I came across this website looking for something to read but now I'm offcially hooked to this.
This was so hilarious that I could NOT help but actually laugh out loud. My co-workers wanted to see what I was laughing at but um...its a 'no no' for what you put up!!!
I started reading the books along with your lists and now I am reading the bitch society one as well as the Sammy's Hill.
Keep up the great work!!!!
8/24/2006 03:09:00 PM
You forgot Pylon of Pleasure.
I love your blog, does that make me a bitch?
8/24/2006 03:17:00 PM
I find that reading them isn't half as bad as saying these words aloud. I can read them and laugh, but when you're saying them, to either yourself or to soemone, you blush and laugh and try very hard to say them.
Personally, I would rather for them to just go out and say the words. Dont try and get around the point. Its a penis. Not an arrow or a shaft. I dont mind using the word erection. But they have some pretty stupid ones that just make you roll your eyes. (schlong, blad evenger, love's sweet arrow) If we were not intimatly knolegable with this subjectr we would all be lost and confused.
BTW
I have just recently found this blog. And i have to say that i love it. I have been reading romances for years now and i have no one really to talk to abotu them and have been looking for an outlet for my passion for books.
I would also like to thank you. When i was a kid i used to eat Nutella A LOT. But over the years i had forgotten about it. But now...Thats a different story.
~Heather
8/24/2006 03:20:00 PM
Hey BB's, went out of town there for a bit and stayed away from computers - I come back and see all that I've been missing. I have some catching up to do.
Harlot, that picture has got me drooling! Why oh why does the BF have to be at work right now? *sigh*
Those penis reference terms are hilarious! The dragon of his desire has got to be one of my fav's.
This post reminds me of an episode of Friends when a fat Monica refers to a penis as his tenderness and a girls virginity as a flower. And then a big nosed Rachel tells her: Can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me!
OK, how much useless crap do I have rattling around in my brain? Why do I remember that? Do you see what you made me think of Harlot? lol
I still luv you anyway!
Have a nice day ladies.
8/24/2006 03:22:00 PM
Clicker, Dusio,
One-eyed trouser snake? Pylon of pleasure? :-P
I heard some guys name their peckers. It's true then? LOL Well, no matter what it's called (or it's name) as long as it's functioning superbly and giving me plenty of what I want, oh i'm all for it. *g*
Heather,
I'm afraid Nutella is something no one can get rid off. :/ Sometimes, i could actually last a month without it, but after a while i'll start having these horrible dreams(!) and i just know, i have to get some Nutella or forever have nightmares of chasing after chocolate covered gorgeous men i could not reach! *sniff* The horror!
Sherry,
Oh, i know that episode! That's the one with the thanksgiving flashback. Rachel's right; the penis is far from being a man's tenderness LOL.
To all the new posters, welcome. :D Hope you post often!
8/24/2006 03:44:00 PM
That guy is hot! Oh wow.
Harlot, love these penis terms! I've never read some of them but they surely are funny! That one with the dragon of his desire is my favorite LOL
8/24/2006 04:24:00 PM
LMAO!! Heat-seeking moisture missile is just awful! You should have linked to which books those came out of so we would know to steer clear.
Thanks for the laugh ladies. :P
8/24/2006 04:38:00 PM
Just tried that little guy on the wheelchair to see if I'd get easier letters, nahah I got some freaks whispering numbers at me! That was even more confusing for crying out loud. Why is the female voice whispering. WHY DO THEY WANT TO MAKE THIS SO DIFICULT FOR ME? I hate blogger!
On the topic of hating and penises I hate romance novels euphemisms for penis.
I don't ever want to pull down a guys pants and find myself face to cock with anything described as his "towering lance of love" What the fuck is he, a medieval knight?
Give me a cock or give me nothing! LOL
8/24/2006 05:56:00 PM
Tumscent tube of fire? LMAO! I'm laughing so hard I can't even type! LMAO That sounds like something people with genital herpes would use to kill the itch.
Harlot great post. Very funny!
Trollop I tried the "wheelchair guy" and to me it sounds like their both in the toilet together. What's up with that?
8/24/2006 06:00:00 PM
LOL, thanks for the laugh! This is great, ladies. :D
Love the hot pic!
8/24/2006 06:34:00 PM
My personal favorit is when he "sheaths his sword!" For somereason that one always gets me! I saw one the other day but I can not remember what it was now that had me rolling.
You all should do one on the female versions, seriously there are some doozies out there. "Her moist flower," "wet warm center" or my personal favorite is the description one "as he probed at her wet center he could feel her heat rising!" WTF, is he taking her tempature or having sex? Maybe we are doing it wrong but I am fairly certian that my husband can not tell you I went up in tempature unless I spike a fever! LMAO
8/24/2006 07:28:00 PM
I'm not sure whether to laugh or to cry or to be hungry for more! :) !M
8/24/2006 07:50:00 PM
If you have dogs then you know that the word engorged is forever attributed to ticks and ONLY to ticks. Engorged ticks are every dog owner's worse nightmare. I don't think I want to come amywhere near anyone's engorged member. I will be very, very worried that, at any moment, it will be ready to squirt out blood.
8/24/2006 08:10:00 PM
ROFLMAO. Oh, wiping tears from eyes. Am at work and rest of world thinks I have lost it big time. OMG this was too funny. Scorching loins? Is he a hot iron - I'm outa there. No want burning sensations in my sensitive areas.
Swollen Big Dick? (Head?)
Is that the guy they are talking about, not his manhood! LOL! LOL!
My favourite is huge fucking cock. It really would be a huge fucking cock (up) to use these in any Romance book.
LUV the pic btw - perving beginning as soon as laughter subsides. I was beginning to sound like that girl on the The Price is Right - barking seal. LOL
8/24/2006 09:49:00 PM
In Grey's Anatomy, Izzie named it "Jimmy and the twins". :)
What a long list to be added in my dictionary! :)
8/24/2006 09:49:00 PM
I've been a *lurker* of this fabulous blog for a week now and after this post I just have to come out and say Book Bitches you're the best!! I think I laughed my head off from reading this list! I know some of the terms are too weird and one would think no author in her right mind would actually use those! But I swear that "raging monster of his lust", I know I've read that from an old Anne Stuart book! (Am a fan of hers by the way and will be buying her upcoming book with a bisexual hero :)). It's either that term or "raging beast of his desire". LOL! I remember it because when I read it, I thought AS was kidding! LOL!
8/24/2006 10:18:00 PM
LMAO Tube of fire? Heat seeking moisture missile? LOL I don't know about you ladies but if a missile, a sword, or (gasp!) a dragon (OMG!) is coming for me, me and my vajayjay would be running fast out of there! LOL
BB, bless you and your slutty hearts. LOL You're the best! :D
8/24/2006 11:19:00 PM
mansword;rock lobster;spear of desire;hotrod.
laughing too hard to think of more...
8/24/2006 11:47:00 PM
yeah that scene you posted? Ummm, that book would have been done at that point for me. Not because I can't handle hot sex in books, cause I acually demand it (lol). But because I think that is the worst way I ever heard an author put it. He looked at it and though how big it was, and it frightened even him???? OMG give me a break.
And I have to give you props. I've never seen such an extensive list of names for the male 'part' lol. Some of them are just horrible. I personally hate....phallus. Ugg, don't know why but it really irks me.
8/24/2006 11:51:00 PM
Another lurker, waving hello from Chicago! I just want to say, Book Bitches you rock! I love this site!!!
8/25/2006 12:00:00 AM
My girlfriends and I went through all of these and at times were bursting at the seams from some of the names. My fiance tried his hand at one, and murmured "ummmm...purple yohgurt slinger?" and we told him that no one would want to touch that.
Thanks so much for the post. I definitely enjoyed the dragon writhing beneath his trousers. Time to unleash the beast!
Thanks again!
8/25/2006 12:10:00 AM
Jazz, I hate "phallus" too. Ugh. What's up with that?
I've read PASSION and actually liked it. :) But be warned, as Trollop had mentioned, Mark has a 10 and a half inch cock. LOL I still don't know how Passion took it all in!
8/25/2006 12:46:00 AM
And I thought "manhood" was bad! I can't get over that "dragon of his desire writhed beneath his trousers"! LMAO
Thanks for this! You bitches are the best!
8/25/2006 12:58:00 AM
Hilarious penis terms, penis model, penis talks. The only thing missing is the bottom part of that cropped picture. Harlot, we demand complete satisfaction!
8/25/2006 03:55:00 AM
Okay, all I have to says is DAAAYYYMMMNNN what books are you reading because I want to read them.
Seriously I haven't heard of half of these, but I will say that the female euphemisms are just as bad, and there is one author in particular that reuses velvet sheath. Ugghh.
8/25/2006 08:27:00 AM
Blood Thirsty Hound
Boner (This is something a 10 yr old would say therfore it doesn't belong in a romance novel)
Danglin' Fury
Dong/Donger
Endowment
Fuck Stick
Joystick
Knob
Love Snake
Manmeat
Organ
Pecker
Prick
Python
Quivering Member
Red Rocket
Scepter
Steaming Stalk
Throbbing Love Muscle
Trunk
Me and the my girlfriends went through some books and found these.
8/25/2006 08:47:00 AM
LOL!
I love this post!
HA ha. sorry, am incoherent after seing that junction on his thighs
8/25/2006 08:59:00 AM
"This is something a 10 yr old would say therfore it doesn't belong in a romance novel)"
GWB, LMAO, you are so right!
yay, can finally post. Trollop, apprently blogger hates me too!
I didn't get past "Love's sweet arrow" was laughing too hard...
8/25/2006 09:03:00 AM
that was supposed to be 'apparently' err, I need spell check!
8/25/2006 09:05:00 AM
Hot beef injection. or Tube Steak. Why do I hang out with weird guys that say things like this!?!
8/25/2006 09:23:00 AM
Hey, I'm new around here, and I love your blog! :) I nearly died laughing at your penis list. Heehee. I do have a nitpick, though. Your reference to Mr. Darcy, I'm assuming, comes from Pride and Prejudice, yes? The Mr. Darcy from said novel is actually named Fitzwilliam, not Mark. Mark Darcy is only in Bridget Jones's Diary.
8/25/2006 10:49:00 AM
Heat seeking moisture missile LMAO Love this list! Too funny, I almost forgot about the hot naked dude standing deliciously in front of me!
Trollop, love that Big Cock Theory post. Still makes me laugh everytime!
8/25/2006 10:54:00 AM
KE Holland,
Oh god, my mistake! That's suppose to be Mr. Darcy not MARK Darcy! (Fitzwilliam might be confusing to those who have yet to read P&P.) Yikes LOL. Well, i just love Bridget so much, you know? ;)
Okay, I should edit now LOL. Thanks for the correction! :D
8/25/2006 12:00:00 PM
Kate, :P hot beef injection? Tube Steak? Are these supposed to be men's subtle ways of saying "suck me"?
8/25/2006 01:31:00 PM
Sweets. You couldn't ignore me if you tried. So... so. Are you guys like boyfriend-girlfriend? Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot beef injection?
That's a quote from The Breakfast Club (My all time favorite movie that I know word for word) This quote is John Bender (Judd Nelson) doing his best to piss off Claire Standish (Molly Ringwald) and Andrew Clark (Emilio Estevez)
By the by, where do I send my resume to get the job of the person that is holding this scrumptious model’s "junk" out of the frame?
8/25/2006 03:48:00 PM
Jordis LOL! I love John Hughes films. Breakfast Club is great but I gotta say my favorite is Sixteen Candles. Love love love that movie!
GWB, I've already sent my CV to Harlot. LOL :P Harlot, I'm getting the job, right? LOL
8/25/2006 05:18:00 PM
Was laughing at some of them and wondering what book ' the dragon of his desire writhed beneath his tight-streched trousers' came from when I sort of mis read the last line
and was trying to imagine what a moulting penis would moult
brain finally figured out what it would shedd and to prove I am in a strange place I thought to myself that is got to be far messier than vacuuming dog/cat hair up.
H.
8/25/2006 06:25:00 PM
I can't believe I missed this yesterday! Harlot, love this post!!! LOL
My favorite's gotta be "the dragon of his desire" LMAO
You BBs are the best!
8/25/2006 06:35:00 PM
GWB, CB, I asked for him first! He should be mine!!!!
8/25/2006 06:59:00 PM
GWB-- You missed a few--
Herbie
Herbie Hancock
One eyed snake
Big Brad
Lizard
bishop
bishop basher
Mighty length of lily
Kong
Dong
Willie
Poker
Hot poker
Lincoln Log
Vienna Sausage
Peach
banana
piston
rod
and so on and so forth....
8/25/2006 09:05:00 PM
I too like John Hughes movies! Pretty in Pink. Sixteen Candles. Jake Ryan. Sigh. How hot is that dude? Too bad he never made another movie. Wonder where he is now.
8/25/2006 09:25:00 PM
LMAO! Harlot, heat seeking missile? Lance of love? Dragon of his desire? Are those still a penis?
Why can't they just use the clinical term "penis", if not cock? Nothing even remotely sexy about "manhood", "manroot" or "phallus".
Trollop, love your big cock theory! I have only recently discovered this blog so I've just read that post. You and Harlot rock!
8/25/2006 10:41:00 PM
I am a personal fan of the might fuck-stick or the old meat whistle :)
Dakota :)
8/26/2006 01:50:00 AM
I don't know why but I laughed when I read "oh so aching cock."
8/26/2006 01:58:00 AM
the guy in the photo freaks me out. My long Schlong is purple from the navel down! I'd be looking at my cock (uh... If I had one..) if it seemed to be turning a pinky purple :-D
8/26/2006 04:37:00 AM
i guess 'straining, thick and strong against his pants' would do it for me! loved the post. :)
8/26/2006 07:44:00 AM
Petra, I love Jake Ryan! Sigh. I used to fantasize about that dude. LOL
8/26/2006 11:24:00 AM
Loved this! Still laughing like an idiot.
All those terms you posted are ridiculously funny but to me the worst by far is manroot. It sounds huge and disgusting like a plant uprooted or something ACCKK!
Great post!
8/26/2006 02:19:00 PM
Heat seeking missile? Dragon in his pants? LMAO!
I like huge fucking cock. LOL No confusion there. :P
Olly
8/26/2006 09:06:00 PM
Kudos to you, BBs. This is an impressive list, lol. Thanks for the laugh, ladies.
8/26/2006 10:23:00 PM
LMFAO!! tumescent tube of fire,the bald avenger... seriously
This post is great, can't stop laughing and the pic is HOT!
8/27/2006 01:18:00 AM
A) John Hughs ROCKS
B) Long Duck Dong has a great name.
C) Scotty, I only put the ones you find in romance novels, not all the dur-t ones. But since you started it,
alabama black snake
ass banjo
ass plower
baby-maker
beaver buster
beaver cleaver
beef stick
bishop in a turtleneck
bitchsplitter
blue-veined custard chucker
bod-rod
bologna pony
boner
bottom beater
cack
cervix slammer
cherry popper
chode
chromosome snake
clit tickler
cock
cream filled sausage
cum crank
cum gun
cunt buster
cunt thumper
cyclops
denture cleaner
dick
ding-a-ling
ding-dong
dipstick
dong
donger
drunk girls' breathalizer
flesh rocket
giggle stick
heat seeker
jackhammer
jawbreaker
jizzer
john thomas
joystick
junk
knob
lizard
love fist
magic stick
man meat
meat puppet
meat missile
mister mushroom head
ole' one-eye
one-eyed jackhammer
one-eyed python
one-eyed snake
one-eyed trouser-snake
one-eyed willie
palmer
pecker
pee-pee
pen 15
pickle
pink penny whistle
porker
prick
puddong slinger
purpole headed monster
pussy plower
ramrod
richard
salami
sausage
schlong
scum shooter
shaft
skin flute
slick willie
spunk shooter
thigh spreader
thumper
tonsil tickler
tool
tooth chipper
trouser snake
tube steak
twat jockey
unit
vlad the impaler
wang
wanker
wankie
weapon of ass destruction
wet willie
willy
winkie
xy stick
yogurt gun
yogurt slinger
zipper trout
Don't get me started on erections...lol
8/28/2006 09:27:00 AM
Harlot, love this post! I showed it to my girlfriends and we had a laugh about it. lol
Gun Wielding, that's a nice list, but yeah, those are not purple prose. :P
8/28/2006 11:40:00 AM
Long Duck Dong always makes me laugh. He and her giant girlfriend. I think Jake Ryan looks like att Dillon. Aren't they related or something?
Nice list, GWB. There are countless penis names out there, some don't even make sense!
8/28/2006 09:48:00 PM
I mean Matt Dillon.
8/28/2006 09:49:00 PM
What was it Robin Williams called his?
Mister Happy!!!
8/29/2006 05:47:00 AM
Holy crap GWB! You've been eavesdropping in the men's locker room again...
8/29/2006 09:49:00 PM
Oh god, laughing so hard! You book bitches are great!
9/02/2006 03:17:00 AM
Bald Avenger??? LOL, sounds like a comic book character!
And Schlong??? Seriously? People use that in literature? Omg, lol!
9/07/2006 03:41:00 AM
Hi girls, i've somehow come across this website/post and it surely looks like you enjoy having a laugh about this 'dragon of desire' we posess! While on the topic of penis' i thought i could ask you girls a question about oral sex that has always left me abit curious. When giving a head job do you enjoy it or is it just to please the bloke? All the blokes i know of say they enjoy to please but with women i've heard different...
1/12/2007 10:01:00 AM
Hullo Josh,
Surely your heat-seeking moisture missile will be pleased to know that there are women who love giving oral sex as much as receiving it.
It's not my favorite part in the menu (oh come on, i'd rather be the one receiving it!), but with the right bloke, it is fun. There's something about seeing your man getting delirious because of you. Also, the sense of power is such a turn on. Maybe you're on your knees but you've got him by the balls LOL. And there's this thing you can do with Nutella.. :P Very enjoyable indeed. ;)
Oh, you'll probably like this post:
Are men afraid of vibrators?
Welcome and i hope you post often!
1/12/2007 11:05:00 AM
One of my favorites is pork steeple.
5/03/2007 12:23:00 AM
OMFG... i'm so in love with this blog. hilarious, irreverent and full of references to cock. three of my all time fave things in this world!!
thanks for the posts. your wit is my new heroin.
9/26/2007 05:27:00 PM
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