Monday, November 5, 2007

Werewolves, were-dragons and other were-beastie heroes

I just read Gena Showalter’s Heart of the Dragon. I so wanted to like it: a human girl accidentally finds Atlantis and meets a sexy warrior/assassin who is also a man-dragon—and they’ve to stop vampires from taking over. Good premise, right? Alas, I was promised both conflict and mystery but neither were delivered. The annoying heroine didn’t help; for a virgin whose life (and her brother’s) was in danger, all she wanted was to hump the hero’s writhing dragon of desire. Sheesh. Oh, and the “fierce assassin”? *snort* He might as well be a man-bunny! Whatever.

This is the kind of paranormal that makes me miss the dashing dukes and bare-chested cowboys and bold knights in shining armors of yore. The thing is, tall, dark and handsome heroes aren’t enough anymore. Now they have to come with fangs, furs, feathers, scales and freakin’ tails—sometimes, they’ve to be DEAD too. You have to wonder how the romance genre comes up with these were-beastie heroes and why readers actually consider them verra fuckable. *confused*

I’m not talking about the usual weres of romance: ya know, were-horses (i.e. Mark in Lisa Valdez’s Passion), were-assholes (the type who turns into a lovely man during full moons), and were-praying mantises (the type who bite off his lover’s head after sex for the stupid push-her-away tactic, “oh, she deserves better, anguish anguish!” GET THE FUCK OVER IT, LOSER). I’m talking about half-human half-beasts—LITERALLY!

Werewolves, I get—to an extent—mostly because of wolfboy Clay (Bitten by Kelley Armstrong). Clay, oh Clay... *sigh* He is simply sinfully finger-lickin’ Nutella-licious, mm mmmm... Me wants lots of that doggie! :P My only complain is his undying want of that weakling Elena. He wants her. ONLY her. Badly bad bad. *GRRR* (Seriously, WHY WHY WHY do all the gorgeous psycho, come-in-your-pants hot, oh-soooo-bad, insane maniacs want the Elenas of the world?!? So unfair!) If someone wants me as bad as Clay wants Elena, I swear I would perish happily... *hearts* *oh-so-dreamy sigh*

Er, what I’m trying to say is, I get the uber sexy, seductive vampires with their “live pretty forever” slogan, and I get the “wolves mate for life” thing that, I guess, makes wolves sorta romantic. (Still, please tell me I’m not the only one who imagines the flesh-tearing-slash-scary-snout-and-teeth-growing thing every time they transform???) But what’s up with the other were-heroes? What is so sexy or romantic about, say, a dragon? Lord knows I’d run away screaming from a scaly monster that might accidentally breathe fire into my vajayjay! *shudder* (It won’t even be furry porn, for crying out loud!!!)

Oh well. Perhaps, like what Bitten did, I’ll come across a good book that’ll make me believe in the fantasy of a dragon as my sexy lovemuffin but right now, er, I haven’t yet. And what about the other weres? Were-panther, were-crocodile, were-goat, were-chipmunk, were-jellyfish? :/

Y’know, heh, now that I think about it, I won’t be surprised if they come up with these *g*:
  • Were-duck – Hero with big, corkscrewy cock. And I mean BIIIIG cock. 17 inches long, variable in shape, from smooth to spine-y, to full of grooves to curly cock he can use as a lasso! Perfect for those who rape the heroine! (Duck cock here.)
  • Were-octopus - Hentai, anyone? (I’m Asian, of course I know of it, you pervs.) Imagine, hero with many tentacles AND suction cups too. *wink*
  • Were-slug - Hermaphroditic with verra exotic mating habits. It’s got aerial acrobatics, mucus ropes and dicks forming a flower-like globe. Pretty, huh? Sometimes the large penises, which wrap around each other in a tight spiral, become so entangled they have to chew off each other’s dick. BDSM paranormal were-slugs galore: ay caramba! (Slug porn here.)
  • Were-ladybird - Ladybirds have sex more often than any other living creature on our planet. THERE’S MORE! They do it every day for 9 hours, are capable of ejaculating 2-3 times per copulation, can have orgasms that last 1.5 hours and have up to 3 orgasms in a row! I KNOW! Imagine all that were-ladybirds erotica lovin’, oh my... Take that, Mark!
  • Were-amoeba - Hero splits into two (or three or four), all changes back to human form: instant threesome—or foursome—or fivesome, baby! :D (Also perfect for “same hero” sequels.)

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37 comment(s):

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

OMG too funny!

Great post babe.

Could I please order two were-amoebas and one were-duck please. Is there a posibility you could be turned into a were-ladybird? Because I want to sign up to the waiting list LOL

Oh and btw, I love vampires and I love Vane and he's a dog? Wolf? whatever, he's hot!

11/05/2007 02:12:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

LMAO! Too funny!! I like vampires of course and I like werewolves. I believe there is already an erotica where the hero is a were-octopus, either that or I was having a nightmare.

It is funny how we find these were-heroes attractive but if you really think about it, they will make anyone sick. Just look at that octopus picture. By the way Harlot, it's very disgusting. LOL. Point taken.

I want to be a were-ladybird too!!

11/05/2007 03:42:00 PM  

Blogger Duvy said...

I swear to god I am never clicking on a link again with food in my mouth. I was so close to having to run to the bathroom when I clicked on the link of the duck cock. Oh god, my eyes, why can't I unsee it???

11/05/2007 05:49:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Duvy, I was in the middle of lunch when harlot send me that link and there's a curse over her head now. I almost threw-up. That's a nasty nasty pic.

I'm sick, probably dying and I think harlot showed me that to get rid of me sooner. Well, I have a couple more hours to go Harlot. Ha!!!!!!!!

11/05/2007 06:23:00 PM  

Blogger Menchie said...

I think I read somewhere that pigs have the most orgasms. Either that or their orgasms last for an hour or more. :D

11/05/2007 08:28:00 PM  

Anonymous ~Cassie~ said...

LMAO! Good post.

I have yet to read Heart of the Dragon but I liked GS's The Stone Prince.

11/06/2007 01:27:00 AM  

Blogger Isabella said...

My ex is definitely a were-asshole.

That duck cock is one nasty shit! You got to thank the lord for small favors that men don't have that kind of penises. Imagine the horror..... yuck!

11/06/2007 01:39:00 AM  

Blogger Isabella said...

I'm with Menchie. I heard pigs have the most orgasms.

How many times and how long do pigs have sex anyway? Because those ladybirds are quite the champions. LOL

11/06/2007 01:43:00 AM  

Anonymous Jen Saylor said...

I just have to comment this is too funny!

I was once married to someone who's part Jabba the Hutt, full of vices and a greedy beep beep. Worst years of my life. I didn't want to be his slave girl like Princess Leia!

11/06/2007 02:12:00 AM  

Blogger December/Stacia said...

Lol great post. Honestly, shifters have never done it for me, don't know why.

And I agree, I'd heard pigs had big orgasm fun too.

11/06/2007 04:09:00 AM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Heh heh ... thanks for the laugh.

Is it weird I like that slug porn? Not that I'm getting off by watching it! I'm only saying that nature rocks ;)

11/06/2007 04:25:00 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! I love you BB but just imagining that duck cock near me makes me gag.

I love vampires and werewolves. I think the main reason why paranormal is so popular is because creatures of the night are the ultimate tortured heroes. They are more thrilling than most human males.

I also think that there is some deep intimacy in blood sharing. Most people today are afraid to open up for fear of getting hurt. The idea that you have to trust someone not just to take your blood but also not to kill with it, that requires a lot of trust. Plus, the physical act is just, umm, kinky. Who doesn't want an 'animal' to nibble on your neck in bed?

11/06/2007 06:23:00 AM  

Anonymous Sarah McCarty said...

Ha! More proof I am not too old to learn. I read the comments before clicking on the links!

Did not, however, refrain from drinking before reading the comments though, and now have to clean screen of Dr. Pepper. (Thats' right, I love Dr. Pepper. My caffeine addiction of choice. *G*)

I do love shifters for that animal magnetism factor which can be so much more played up while the Hor H is in human form, but they have to be sexy shifters. Porpoises, seals, lambs and any other cutsie to me beings just don't cut it. Neither do reptilian crosses. *shudder* And if the author crosses to the spider realm, I am soo out of there.

11/06/2007 09:02:00 AM  

Anonymous Di said...

I'm second on the were-ladybird list behind VT.

Sarah, I wish I had been as wise. I will have the image of that duck cock burned in my retinas forever!

were-amoeba. That is the funniest thing I've read in months. ROTFL

11/06/2007 09:40:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

That duck cock will give me a nightmare!

I think shapeshifters are very interesting. Beauty and the Beast started it for me. Not that Beast is half and half but it's sort of related. It's all about accepting everything about the one you love, whether he's deformed or has an animal side. Plus they are very sexy. No were-octopus though icckkk! And no jellyfish. LOL! Or slug or duck or seal or spiders! Only the "sexy beasts" are allowed. =P

11/06/2007 09:52:00 AM  

Blogger Lola Lovegood said...

Anything with more than two legs/arms when they transform will freak me out.

I also don't want a dragon breating anywhere near my hoo-ha. Talk about firecrotch! OUCH

11/06/2007 10:11:00 AM  

Anonymous karamia said...

Great post! very educational, tee hee.
Oh Lola, too funny- Firecrotch! Ouch, not on my vajayjay.
Um, I think vampires are really as far as I go. Maybe a werewolf would not be bad, but seeing as how I am not a huge fan of Jacob Black, though I see how some could be; and Remis Lupin never did it for me, I have yet to find a werewolf that sounds interesting.
And I clicked on the links before reading the comments, and I'm not sure I would have refrained even if I had read them. But now, I am ruined. Yuck, that duck dick was discusting! So glad I am not a duck.

11/06/2007 12:26:00 PM  

Anonymous Iz said...

Not only is this post LOLfunny but the comments are hillarious.


11/06/2007 12:41:00 PM  

Anonymous Sarah McCarty said...

Oh help. I'm being lured to the dark side. The constant commenting on the Duck penis… It's tempting me like a train wreck. I don't want to look, but I have too… LOL!

11/06/2007 01:02:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Firecrotch indeed! Heh!

Oh c'mon, Sarah, you gotta look at the duck dick. Ya know ya wanna... Hear it calling you? "Look at my big cock, quack quack..." *g*

11/06/2007 01:32:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

LMAO! Too funny!! I'm not a big shifter fan but I admit to liking some half-beasts, especially those with big... feet. LOL

For more weres, what about were-garter snakes? I know that the mating of garter snakes is a tourist attraction in Manitoba, Canada. It's all about a female garter snake entwining herself in a mating ball with hundreds of male garter snakes. Imagine that. LOL!

11/06/2007 02:23:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Question: How can vampires have sex? How can their penis become engorged when they're sorta frozen and not exactly alive? :/

11/06/2007 02:40:00 PM  

Blogger DumSpiroSpero said...

Harlot - I know LKH, for one, has her vampires only able to get it up after they've fed, which sorta makes sense. I think most of the other authors I've read pretty much skirt around the issue. :P


11/06/2007 03:56:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eww! Absolutely not into it at all. Eek!

11/07/2007 12:45:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Re: Vampire's erection

Carrie, at least LKH has a theory on it. I honestly can't remember reading any vampire story where this erection thing has been explained.

As for getting it up after feeding, drinking blood isn't exactly the same as a heart pumping blood, which vampires don't have. ;)

11/07/2007 02:31:00 AM  

Blogger said...

I honestly can't remember reading any vampire story where this erection thing has been explained.

Robin McKinley's explanation in Sunshine is that (her) vampires have control over their involuntary functions (i.e., are able to control blood flow, temperature, etc).

(Did you know that she's blogging now too? Which of course I just love.)

I'm not really all that into vampires -- immortality has never had any appeal to me (I think generally, people get more interesting as they age, including in their appearance (those who don't look plastic, that is)) and the whole blood sucking thing is pretty gross, imo (that one scene in Buffy aside) -- which is kinda strange considering I *love* Buffy/Angel (the shows, not the couple so much) and Sunshine... (though it's all more so for the writing than the vampires, if that makes sense.)

I think also I'm not very into (most) paranormals/paranormal romances. I can't quite seem to suspend disbelief enough to be convinced that a were- or vamp- or otherwise supernatural hero* is in all that much danger of going darkside.

*Are they ever females?

11/07/2007 05:37:00 AM  

Blogger December/Stacia said...

In my books vampirism is a genetic disease--they need blood to regenerate cells so they can stay alive, and sun damages those cells, but they also breathe, have beating hearts and blood pressure, etc. They're alive, they just live a loooong time thanks to the blood.

11/07/2007 05:53:00 AM  

Blogger Jolie said...

I was just thinking, being involved with a half-man half-dragon is not the worst thing in the world. Imagine being with a DRONKEY, like Donkey (from Shrek) and Dragon's offspring. Now that's a nightmare!

11/07/2007 07:05:00 AM  

Blogger Lola Lovegood said...

Sarah, did you look?

Jolie, no one would ever write about a Dronkey. I think. LMAO

11/07/2007 09:02:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

I think also I'm not very into (most) paranormals/paranormal romances

You could have fooled me! :P I have got to get me Sunshine...

Dronkey? LOL! Lola, you never know. 50 years ago, were there even romances about half-man half-dragon? Now these half and half creatures are running all over the place that they are becoming the norm!

11/07/2007 09:49:00 AM  

Blogger DumSpiroSpero said...

Harlot - I can't remember if it's LKH or someone else, but somebody (or maybe multiple somebodies) has vamps that can make their hearts pump with conscious effort. That takes care of the physiology. :D


11/07/2007 11:49:00 AM  

Blogger Midas said...

Yeah, I love Vane too...he's one dog I'd do.

11/07/2007 12:27:00 PM  

Anonymous Sarah McCarty said...

Jolie! LOL! No I did not look. A quick google search revealed that laser removal technique has not developed to the point they could remove the image from my retinas should I feel the need.

However, in an interesting development, classifying Duck penis peeking as off limits has added to the temptation by a factor of ten. *frowning* Now why is that? *G*

11/07/2007 12:39:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Ah, the allure of the off limits, even when it's a duck penis. Twisted... I like it.

Maybe we should just ask the BB to unlink the duck cock picture and post it here directly instead. That way no one is safe and we can all be traumatized! =P

11/07/2007 03:20:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

You gotta ask when did paranormal become normal? I say it's all about the sex. Doing it with barn animals makes you a sick SICK pervert. Alas, doing it with half-animal half-man, why, your kinkiness knows no bounds. A perfect excuse, if any were needed. ;)

11/08/2007 02:39:00 AM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

God, this is why I have missed you bitches. GREAT post. A little disgusting (duck cock yuck) but too funny! I want some were-amoebas. LOL!

11/08/2007 05:57:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You gals crack me up! That dick cock is awesome ^.^

11/10/2007 04:03:00 PM