I just read Gena Showalter’s Heart of the Dragon. I so wanted to like it: a human girl accidentally finds Atlantis and meets a sexy warrior/assassin who is also a man-dragon—and they’ve to stop vampires from taking over. Good premise, right? Alas, I was promised both conflict and mystery but neither were delivered. The annoying heroine didn’t help; for a virgin whose life (and her brother’s) was in danger, all she wanted was to hump the hero’s writhing dragon of desire. Sheesh. Oh, and the “fierce assassin”? *snort* He might as well be a man-bunny! Whatever.
This is the kind of paranormal that makes me miss the dashing dukes and bare-chested cowboys and bold knights in shining armors of yore. The thing is, tall, dark and handsome heroes aren’t enough anymore. Now they have to come with fangs, furs, feathers, scales and freakin’ tails—sometimes, they’ve to be DEAD too. You have to wonder how the romance genre comes up with these were-beastie heroes and why readers actually consider them verra fuckable. *confused*
I’m not talking about the usual weres of romance: ya know, were-horses (i.e. Mark in Lisa Valdez’s Passion), were-assholes (the type who turns into a lovely man during full moons), and were-praying mantises (the type who bite off his lover’s head after sex for the stupid push-her-away tactic, “oh, she deserves better, anguish anguish!” GET THE FUCK OVER IT, LOSER). I’m talking about half-human half-beasts—LITERALLY!
Werewolves, I get—to an extent—mostly because of wolfboy Clay (Bitten by Kelley Armstrong). Clay, oh Clay... *sigh* He is simply sinfully finger-lickin’ Nutella-licious, mm mmmm... Me wants lots of that doggie! :P My only complain is his undying want of that weakling Elena. He wants her. ONLY her. Badly bad bad. *GRRR* (Seriously, WHY WHY WHY do all the gorgeous psycho, come-in-your-pants hot, oh-soooo-bad, insane maniacs want the Elenas of the world?!? So unfair!) If someone wants me as bad as Clay wants Elena, I swear I would perish happily... *hearts* *oh-so-dreamy sigh*
Er, what I’m trying to say is, I get the uber sexy, seductive vampires with their “live pretty forever” slogan, and I get the “wolves mate for life” thing that, I guess, makes wolves sorta romantic. (Still, please tell me I’m not the only one who imagines the flesh-tearing-slash-scary-snout-and-teeth-growing thing every time they transform???) But what’s up with the other were-heroes? What is so sexy or romantic about, say, a dragon? Lord knows I’d run away screaming from a scaly monster that might accidentally breathe fire into my vajayjay! *shudder* (It won’t even be furry porn, for crying out loud!!!)
Oh well. Perhaps, like what Bitten did, I’ll come across a good book that’ll make me believe in the fantasy of a dragon as my sexy lovemuffin but right now, er, I haven’t yet. And what about the other weres? Were-panther, were-crocodile, were-goat, were-chipmunk, were-jellyfish? :/
Y’know, heh, now that I think about it, I won’t be surprised if they come up with these *g*:
- Were-duck – Hero with big, corkscrewy cock. And I mean BIIIIG cock. 17 inches long, variable in shape, from smooth to spine-y, to full of grooves to curly cock he can use as a lasso! Perfect for those who rape the heroine! (Duck cock here.)
- Were-octopus - Hentai, anyone? (I’m Asian, of course I know of it, you pervs.) Imagine, hero with many tentacles AND suction cups too. *wink*
- Were-slug - Hermaphroditic with verra exotic mating habits. It’s got aerial acrobatics, mucus ropes and dicks forming a flower-like globe. Pretty, huh? Sometimes the large penises, which wrap around each other in a tight spiral, become so entangled they have to chew off each other’s dick. BDSM paranormal were-slugs galore: ay caramba! (Slug porn here.)
- Were-ladybird - Ladybirds have sex more often than any other living creature on our planet. THERE’S MORE! They do it every day for 9 hours, are capable of ejaculating 2-3 times per copulation, can have orgasms that last 1.5 hours and have up to 3 orgasms in a row! I KNOW! Imagine all that were-ladybirds erotica lovin’, oh my... Take that, Mark!
- Were-amoeba - Hero splits into two (or three or four), all changes back to human form: instant threesome—or foursome—or fivesome, baby! :D (Also perfect for “same hero” sequels.)