This is so silly and, really, six years’ long overdue, but I just watched LOTR (for like the gazillionth time) with my two college buddies who came visiting since they thought it’s my birthday today. (Honestly, boys... *rolls eyes* They got points for braving the typhoon to see me though.) So—I kept making sex noises every time Aragorn came on the screen (no pun, no pun!) and one of them said, surprised, “Don’t you like Legolas?”
Er... no. Sure, the pointy ears look yummy and the living forever sets my heart a-flutter, but that elf reminds me of a disembodied grown-up version of a Barbie head full of bleached hair that I wouldn’t even dream of keeping him as my elven love toy and play with his silky locks. :/ Besides, I don’t want to steal Leggy away from Gimli; that dwarf will attack me with his huge ax! Aaaack!
Also, WHY on Gandalf’s pants would I prefer Leggy over Aragorn??? Aragorn. IS. Sex. Compare to Leggy—who hops like a lizard and I’m suuuure squeals like a girl—Aragorn is a *MAN*... and, ohhh, what a man... *sigh* *drools while fanning self* I KNOW he’d be great in the sack.
Ya know, hee, this reminds me of weird crushes. :P Not that Aragorn is weird! It’s just, I remember a friend who’s into hobbit-lovin’ and dreamt of nibbling on Pippin’s upper lip and... um, those hairy hobbit feet. *shudder* I actually laughed about this but was silenced when she turned on me and said, “Don’t tell me you don’t have any weird crushes, Harlot A., because I know full well Bill Murray and Jon Stewart make you sigh.”
*Hmph* Fine. FINE. *hmph* But—well—how can I not like Bill Murray?! Sure, he has thinning hair and bad complexion but watch him in Groundhog Day and you’ll see moments of ridiculous sexiness! That scene at the very end where he wakes up next to Rita and murmurs, “What can I do for you today?” Oh my... I would have clung to his neck and say, “Baby, take me, take meeee.” I just know that WHATEVER she says—no matter how crazy, outrageous or perverted it is—he WILL do it.
And Jon Stewart! What’s not to love? He is so witty and smart and cute and funny that I just want to sit on his lap, unbutton his perfectly ironed shirt and do things to him that will make him blush and stammer. *g* I’d take him over the likes of Leggy Bloom who, BTW, looks like he has a problem with his penis. (Perhaps it’s not bleached enough. :/)
I also have a thing for author David Sedaris; if only he’d agreed to take me... *sniff* There’s also E.E. Cummings whose poetry I simply loooove that if there’s a chance he’d whisper in my ear, “May I feel... may I touch... may I move... come...” ohgod... I would quiver from my scalp to my harloty little toes.
Hmmm, I suppose everyone has a thing for some bloke who may not be considered handsome but makes you think, “He could be really great in bed...” What? Oh, come on! Sexiness is more than skin deep!
Oh-ho-kay, fess up! Which not-so-gorgeous man makes you think he has interesting possibilities? And—back to LOTR—who floats your bloat: the elf or the ranger? Or, *ahem* you prefer a threesome with Merry and Pippin? ;)