Saturday, August 18, 2007

The ranger, the elf and the weird crushes

This is so silly and, really, six years’ long overdue, but I just watched LOTR (for like the gazillionth time) with my two college buddies who came visiting since they thought it’s my birthday today. (Honestly, boys... *rolls eyes* They got points for braving the typhoon to see me though.) So—I kept making sex noises every time Aragorn came on the screen (no pun, no pun!) and one of them said, surprised, “Don’t you like Legolas?”

Er... no. Sure, the pointy ears look yummy and the living forever sets my heart a-flutter, but that elf reminds me of a disembodied grown-up version of a Barbie head full of bleached hair that I wouldn’t even dream of keeping him as my elven love toy and play with his silky locks. :/ Besides, I don’t want to steal Leggy away from Gimli; that dwarf will attack me with his huge ax! Aaaack!

Also, WHY on Gandalf’s pants would I prefer Leggy over Aragorn??? Aragorn. IS. Sex. Compare to Leggy—who hops like a lizard and I’m suuuure squeals like a girl—Aragorn is a *MAN*... and, ohhh, what a man... *sigh* *drools while fanning self* I KNOW he’d be great in the sack.

Ya know, hee, this reminds me of weird crushes. :P Not that Aragorn is weird! It’s just, I remember a friend who’s into hobbit-lovin’ and dreamt of nibbling on Pippin’s upper lip and... um, those hairy hobbit feet. *shudder* I actually laughed about this but was silenced when she turned on me and said, “Don’t tell me you don’t have any weird crushes, Harlot A., because I know full well Bill Murray and Jon Stewart make you sigh.”

*Hmph* Fine. FINE. *hmph* But—well—how can I not like Bill Murray?! Sure, he has thinning hair and bad complexion but watch him in Groundhog Day and you’ll see moments of ridiculous sexiness! That scene at the very end where he wakes up next to Rita and murmurs, “What can I do for you today?” Oh my... I would have clung to his neck and say, “Baby, take me, take meeee.” I just know that WHATEVER she says—no matter how crazy, outrageous or perverted it is—he WILL do it.

And Jon Stewart! What’s not to love? He is so witty and smart and cute and funny that I just want to sit on his lap, unbutton his perfectly ironed shirt and do things to him that will make him blush and stammer. *g* I’d take him over the likes of Leggy Bloom who, BTW, looks like he has a problem with his penis. (Perhaps it’s not bleached enough. :/)

I also have a thing for author David Sedaris; if only he’d agreed to take me... *sniff* There’s also E.E. Cummings whose poetry I simply loooove that if there’s a chance he’d whisper in my ear, “May I feel... may I touch... may I move... come...” ohgod... I would quiver from my scalp to my harloty little toes.

Hmmm, I suppose everyone has a thing for some bloke who may not be considered handsome but makes you think, “He could be really great in bed...” What? Oh, come on! Sexiness is more than skin deep!

Oh-ho-kay, fess up! Which not-so-gorgeous man makes you think he has interesting possibilities? And—back to LOTR—who floats your bloat: the elf or the ranger? Or, *ahem* you prefer a threesome with Merry and Pippin? ;)


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34 comment(s):

Anonymous Gabrielle said...

LOL! Great post!

I would definetly take Aragorn over Legolas but I do think that Orlando Bloom looks good in this movie. I dont like him in any other movie, other than LoTR. But Aragorn is much much much much sexier!

Wierd crushes? Will Ferrell. I like his height =D Same with Vince Vaughn. They are soo tall and funny! Ummm...who else? Will Forte. I think hes gorgeous!

8/18/2007 12:53:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Gabrielle, come on, admit it! You like Gimli and his HUGE ax best. :P

Dunno who Will Forte is, but Vince Vaughn, never had a thing for him, not even when he was still lean and sober-looking, but i almost died laughing while watching Wedding Crashers. OMG that movie is hilarious!

8/18/2007 01:15:00 PM  

Anonymous Babz said...

If we're speaking of LOTR, I had a HUGE crush on Faramir, played by David Wenham and Eomer, played by Karl Urban.


Wenham's Faramir sets me afire! And Eomer! Those eyes! ACK! Yea, I imagined them spooning me in bed - ahem.

A slightly not normal crushes.. Right now I can only think of Craig Ferguson. Oh ya.. I sort of still have a crush on Tom Cruise. Go figure.

8/18/2007 03:01:00 PM  

Blogger Richi Aggarwal said...

Aragon.. Any day!!

n Love the Layout! :)

8/18/2007 03:04:00 PM  

Blogger Pepper-Anne Doty said...

Aragon, without a doubt!

I am embarassed to admit this, but my abnormal crush is still Lance Bass from 'NSync. I don't know why. I loved him back when and I still have a strange crush on him even though he has come out of the closet. Freaky, I know!

8/18/2007 03:40:00 PM  

Blogger Tara Champagne Dean said...

My Dad use to tease me that I had a crush on Seth my boyfriend teases me about it. I don't know if that's a weird one, but it was a weird one to everyone around me. I like Dork cute, according to my friends. I also had a crush on Ethan Embray (sp?) hee hee he...such a cutie :D

8/18/2007 03:43:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

Oh cmon! Legolas is hot! In fact he is so hot that I can't concentrate when he's on the scene. lol I'm not into Orlando Bloom but he sure makes me drool in the LOTR movies.

My weird crush: David Letterman. Yes, he makes silly jokes and his teeth are not perfect but hoh boy, he can dress. I think he is very charming. :)

8/18/2007 04:14:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Between Aragorn and Legolas? Aragorn. But I'm like Babz, I think the hottest guy in LOTR is Eomer. Yum!

For my weird crush, I can't believe I'm saying this but I have a huge thing for Simon Cowell. H-u-g-e. He's nasty and he can be really mean but I find him very sexy and I think he's really smart and when he smiles... me like it :-P


8/18/2007 06:26:00 PM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

LOL! Harlot, you crack me up.

Legolas does it for me. Frodo is hot too but the prosthetic hairy feet keeps me away.

I really like Zach Braff from Scrubs but I don't think he counts as a weird crush, or does he? He is so cute!

8/18/2007 08:50:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

Olly, I'm glad you said Simon's name! lol! Now I don't feel so weird about it. I like him too and his quick wit. :P

8/18/2007 09:00:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

Alan Rickman. That voice, that sexy, sexy voice...

I'm into hobbit lovin as well, LOL. I like Frodo. Elijah Wood has such beautiful blue eyes. You see the hairy feet and you go euw but there is this scene in Rivendell when Frodo wakes up and you get to see a nipple! What?? Hobbit nipple!? Distressing!

8/18/2007 09:37:00 PM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

Harlot! You make Legolas sound so bad! Aragorn is hot but Legolas....sigh...

Unlike Legolas who seems so fresh-smelling, I think Aragorn smells bad. Remember that part in Two Towers when the orcs could smell Aragorn coming?

It wasn't "I smell Elf flesh". It was "I smell MAN flesh". ^.^


8/18/2007 11:34:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

i take the ranger 150 times 150 times over that weird ass Orlando Bloom.

As for weird crushes: Scott Hamilton the figure skater (he's funny and a great athlete! *hmmpph*) and I had the biggest crush on Simba's father on the Lion King, and yes, I know how odd and sick that sounds LOL

8/19/2007 08:12:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Lily, oh no you DIDN'T.

You can't prove that anyway. Unlike what i said about Legolas which you can see on the screen. *hmph*

I think Aragorn looks like sex on stick or something LOL. Oh. Did i mention Legolas looks like he wears more makeup than Arwen? :P

8/19/2007 11:28:00 AM  

Blogger Bunny said...

Aragorn! Thank you so much for that screenshot, it is currently helping me get over my breakup.

8/19/2007 02:43:00 PM  

Anonymous karamia said...

Without a doubt, I am an Aragorn kind of girl. And I am simply in love with Vince Vaugh. Even though he's not perfect, his personality makes him hotter than most in my oppinion.

8/19/2007 08:19:00 PM  

Anonymous karamia said...

and I have a huge crush on Dr. Cox from scrubs- he is why I watch the show!! Not sure if that's weird or not :)

8/19/2007 08:24:00 PM  

Blogger Menchie said...

GOD, Aragorn of course! And don't care if he looks like he hasn't washed his hair in a month.

Weird crushes would have to be Kevin Spacey. For some strange reason, I like him.

8/19/2007 10:50:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Can I have both? I want Legolas and Aragorn. Faramir too! LOL!

My weird crush: Captain von Trapp on The Sound of Music :D

8/20/2007 02:28:00 AM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

Harlot, maybe Legolas's hair is too bleached out but he does not wear make up!

And unlike MAN flesh, elves don't stink! :-P

8/20/2007 02:41:00 AM  

Blogger said...

Legolas' wig was awesome. Halle Berry should have borrowed it for Storm.

Weird crushes... Does Dean Winchester count? He's too pretty to be real.

8/20/2007 03:01:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

I didn't say Legolas stinks. And Aragorn doesn't stink either. It's Gimli i think.. :/ In any case, i BET Legolas loves Aragorn's manscent. ;P

Welcome. Glad you liked the pic. :)

I watch Scrubs whenever i catch it on TV and i luuve Dr. Cox LOL. He is viciously funny.

Stop cheating! LOL Dean is far from being considered a "weird crush". He maybe a manwhore but that dude is freaking hot! (And i love the pic, thanks. :D)

I think Capt Von Trapp is quite hot. :P

I like Kevin Spacey as an actor. He's brilliant.

8/20/2007 03:18:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

I love Simon's quick wit. I think people hate him because he says things that THEY think themselves but won't say out loud.

You perv. Hobbit nipple LOL.

I think Alan Rickman has such a sexy voice. And i love that he exudes evilness. *g*

Seth? Hmmm.. i like as Oz. :D

I never got Nsync really. Not even Justin. Well i didn't get the Backstreet Boys' appeal either. :P But i'm weird LOL.

Eomer is HOT. Man, i'd love to glide my hands on those shoulders. Hee. Loved him in Bourne Supremacy.

8/20/2007 03:25:00 AM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

Harlot, Legolas is NOT gay! harumph

I agree with Gimli, I bet something yucky is living in his beard....reminds me of Hagrid's!

8/20/2007 03:39:00 AM  

Anonymous Babz said...

Great to know there are many Scrubs fan around! And yes Dr Cox is totally hot.

Harlot you MUST watch Pathfinder. It's a bad movie about a Viking boy left in the care of Red Indians, and there are glimpses of Karl Urban's, er, patootsie? LOL ok fine, his ASS alright. I watched the movie with my bf and I positively hyperventilated whenever his loincloth moved aside.

8/20/2007 07:59:00 AM  

Anonymous Archiebald said...

I have a not-very-scientific theory that women in general are into pretty boys. Perfect example: Legolas.

Based from the answers here, it appears that I am wrong. Women do go for the rugged, macho looking men.

I thought if I would only groom, bleach and shampoo my hair, brush my teeth, act gay once in a while (for fun), women will fall into sin with me.

Does this mean I have to be macho he-man to get a Book Bitch?

8/20/2007 09:35:00 AM  

Anonymous Archiebald said...

If I was gay, I would be all over some Fox Mulder. I have a man crush on that dude and I'm not afraid to admit it.

8/20/2007 09:37:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

I heard that movie is reeeeally bad LOL. Though loincloth and Eomer... hmmm... owki! :P

Oh, bless you, you lovely man. That made my day LOL. "Not so very scientific"... :P

OMG, i think i'd die if i accidentally fall onto Gimli or Hagrid's beard. *shudder*

8/20/2007 02:04:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

I love Legolas! Young, forever beautiful, skilled with combat and man, that elf sure can fire his arrows fast!

I like Jon Stewart too. I think he is very cute. :P

8/20/2007 06:09:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

RE: that elf sure can fire his arrows fast!

LOL! My mind is in the gutter, sorry. :P

8/20/2007 09:11:00 PM  

Anonymous Lindsey said...

My husbands teases me for having a crush on Dr. House. That man makes my heart "a-flutter". He is funny, BRILLIANT and he is too darn sexy whenever he plays the piano.

8/21/2007 03:07:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Lindsey, um.. hope you don't mind me asking but.. how many husbands do ya have? :P

I think House is very sexy. I like sarcasm really. ;P And yep, he's brilliant.

8/22/2007 01:14:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Is House a 'weird crush'? Because that doctor is so sexy. He has that smug charm I can't pinpoint what exactly it is but I want a piece of it!


8/22/2007 02:05:00 PM  

Blogger Phoebe said...

Definitely Aragorn. Legolas is a total wuss... though he does look good when he's shooting arrows as if they are from a machine gun. And I am in LOVE with Jon Stewart. He's so funny and ... oooh, he just turns me into a pile of goo. I'm so upset he's married *tears* Lastly, House... My god, I would love to get the sexin' on with that lovely man!


11/09/2007 07:04:00 PM