Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Yes, Harlot, too stupid!

Bad characters make or break a novel. The plot of a book can be compelling, the writing magnificent and the descriptions engaging, but if I find the characters lacking in personality or charisma, or if they’re just plain stupid, the story looses its magic.

Dimwitted heroines are a particular pet peeve of The Book Bitches. I’m sure you know who I’m referring to. The ones that are brainless enough to make a stop around the corner and shag a guy while being followed by an ax murderer. The ones that let the hero slap them around and treat them like horse manure because they “deserve it,” or explain why it’s okay because “their mom like forgot to buy them a G.I. Joe when they were 6, and they have like this trauma, okay?” And then, there’s the worst kind of heroines: the spineless twats that act like imbeciles simply because they’re brain-dead.

Here’s part of our “Die, Stupid Heroine, Die!” list:

Trollop

Judith Law
Slightly Wicked by Mary Balogh

I’ll begin by mentioning that I’m probably one of the three people on earth that did not like this series. YES, THAT’S RIGHT, I DIDN’T LIKE IT—stop with the rotten tomatoes! But honestly, who can blame me? If by the third chapter of this book you too don’t want to jump in, nail Judith-the-Martyr to a cross and have her beaten with a long wooden stick, you are probably the reincarnation of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.

Judith Law is the typical “beautiful” heroine that thinks herself to be uglier than Orlando Bloom in drag. I know this on its own will not make you believe that she is a stupid imbecile; pitiful and worthless, yes—but I agree, not stupid. Now, how about if I tell you that she is sacrificing her life and youth to be an unpaid servant to her very rich and very rude relatives so that her younger brother can gamble the money away. Is that stupid enough? Hmm, perhaps you need a little more convincing. Maybe something like the fact that she boinks a total stranger, on the road to some gad-forsaken town, and then refuses his marriage proposal because she would rather have a miserable and unhappy life as a poor slave than be the wife of a noble and rich man—who has probably impregnated her!!!

The Second Mrs. de Winter
Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

Mrs. de Winter (her first name was never disclosed so I am led to believe it was probably Pussy; Pussy de Winter, sounds fitting), was a rather nervous and oppressed individual. At the beginning I felt sorry for her: a poor woman working as a lady’s maid, with no family or anything to call her own. But as the book progressed, I started to get irritated by her actions. I mean, how spineless could one person be?

She marries a rich man and lives in his mansion, yet the lady of the house is still his DEAD wife, Rebecca. The maid treats her like a leper, the husband walks all over her, and what does she do? NOTHING! I wanted to give the heroine a good shake and slap her a couple of times until she came to her senses. I wanted her to fire Mrs. Danvers, burn the west wing, and buy herself some kinky lingerie and fuck that husband of hers three ways till the weekend. In general, I wanted Pussy to grow a fucking spine and show some spirit. But, alas, it was not to be. If possible, with every page, she became even more pitiful to the point where I could not go on, to the point where I actually thought having my nails ripped out was a more entertaining way to spend my time.

Harlot

Lady Brenna
The Wedding by Julie Garwood

I love JG and honestly hate to criticize her work, but it has to be said that this Lady Brenna is one dumb twat. The hero’s stepmother told her she should submit to the brother-in-law who has the hots for her, and by the hots I mean he tried to rape her. So she kills him. Nothing to get upset about; the guy was scum, she did the world a favor. However, Brenna gets the mother of all depressions, not because she felt bad for taking a life but, get this: because she thought to be a perfect wife she should have shagged her husband’s brother!!!

Brenna is the worst type of heroine, she’s completely unsympathetic and irritating. I think JG wanted us to feel sorry for her because “... her body was so terribly imperfect. She was fully aware of her flaws. Her breasts were too large, her hips too narrow, and her legs were too long for the rest of her body.” Oh, Ms. Garwood, PUH-LEASE, give me a fucking break!—or at least a heroine with real problems, like vaginal herpes or something.

Allie Parker
Hot Rain by Kat Martin

This heroine (if you can actually call her that) did the stupidest things I’ve EVER read about. I think she did something moronic each page. Let’s see... Allie was convinced there was foul play involved with her best friend’s death, so she stole an insurance file (I believe this is a crime), then hid away inside a yacht to concoct more of her lamebrained theories (without thinking of her safety). She got discovered by the hero nonetheless, who claimed her as his own—all for her own protection, of course (yeah, right). She then planned to flee from the hero by setting the bed on fire (I KNOW!—wait, it gets better), hoping someone would notice. Ironically, if the hero hadn’t seen the smoke, she’d have died of smoke inhalation or burned to death (was actually crossing my fingers for this to happen!!!).

After many horrible incidents (due to her undending stupidity), Allie demanded total honestly from the hero. What’s the first question that came to her non-existent mind? Why, of course: “Are you married?” THIS after being kidnapped, beaten senseless, and STILL lying half dead on the ground since they’d just survived a horrible plane crash. Uh-hmm. But that’s nothing compare to this stunt: she got angry at him because he DID NOT rape her, or at least felt tempted to!!! *breathe* Oh, well, I guess we should cut her some slack. I mean, she was obviously insulted and deeply hurt for not being a rape victim material—that poor, poor brainless fuck.

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27 comment(s):

Blogger Aggie said...

ROFLMAO over "Pussy" De Winter. I so agree .. what a croc that story was. It should have been called De Winter of Stupid.
I'd have thrown Mrs Danvers out of the West Wing and anyone else that was lurking about and then gone to find the cute young gardner and ... oh, wasn't that another book?
F*uck Mr De Winter? - never, by name/nature. Spend his loot - absolutely!
I'd make him PAY!
LOL

8/15/2006 06:03:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

OMG This is too funny! LMAO

Oh wow, thanks for the laugh. LOL Rock on, bitches!

8/15/2006 06:08:00 PM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

LMAO!!!

Love this post BBs! :D

Trollop, I thought the same thing while I was reading Rebecca! I mean WTF? I don't know why she put up with too much crap!

Harlot, I've read The Wedding years ago and loved it! LOL Hmmmm, maybe I should reread. I thought Sara from The Gift is the worst of JG's heroines. :P

8/15/2006 06:40:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Oh god LOL! Trollop, I think Pussy is quite appropriate. :P Harlot, I agree about that Kat Martin book. What a waste!

I love SEP's books but Honey Moon is such a stupid heroine. Hated her. Also that girl from JM's Until You, the one who had amnesia, can't even remember her name! LOL

8/15/2006 08:34:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Pussy de Winter?!? LOL LOL

I love this! :D And you're right, they should be shot! I've only read Rebecca and The Wedding - I actually enjoyed this one, Harlot. :P

Trollop, Pussy should shag Mr. De Winter after she tied Mrs. Danvers on a chair next to the bed so she can watch. That woman has the hots for Mr. DW.

8/15/2006 08:50:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

This is fucking funny, ladies!!!

I HATE stupid heroines as much as I hate abusive heroes. And because of that, I never liked Sandra Brown's books. Her hero are too abusive and the heroines just let them. I'm not sure about her recent books though.

8/15/2006 09:12:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

LMAO I agree about Mrs. De Winter, I mean Pussy. LOL She could have shoved Mrs Danvers through a window form the very first day.

Regarding the other heroines, never read those books, but thanks for the heads up!

8/15/2006 09:48:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

lollie Rose: I agree re Sandra Brown heroes. I was thinking of mostly of her as I replied to this post. She has some great story lines and then ruins them by having selfish barsteward heros.
I cannot respect heroines that take these types of selfish idiots on and often thought that it's a wonder they didn't catch something nasty!

8/15/2006 10:16:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

I'd forgotten about this post! Even I having written part of it found myself laughing LOL She tried to burn the bed while inside the cabin? Was she trying to leave in a casket or something? LOL Cause that's the only way that'd make sense to me!

Re: SB and abusive heros.

OH MY GOD YES! I thought I was the only one that thought this since everyone else adores her work. Dont get me wrong her books/storylines are great (the one's I've read) but her heros are real bastards.

They think pushing women around is sexy and macho. They're physically abusive; always thinking about shaking them or are saying things like "I could really kill/strangle you". They're verbally abusive too, usually implying the girl is a slut or something.

I don't read her anymore since her heros make me sick and I hate that the heroines take it! WTF is wrong with them?

8/15/2006 11:02:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Harlot,

We have a post about fuckwitt heros too, right? and if not what are we waiting for to write it? LOL

I know who'll be first on my list *Wink* Starts with Jamie and ends with *g* Fraser :P

8/15/2006 11:04:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Yeah babe, in our archives, will look at it. I think I have darling Clay Westmoreland there... :/

I agree about Sandra Brown! That book HIDDEN FIRES where the hero is an abusive fuck and the heroine just lets him! Ugh. Come to think of it, i think he's with Clay on my list of "outstanding" heroes. =P

8/15/2006 11:19:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Okay, found the link LOL. Here's our list of fuckwit heroes. =P Check it out!

8/15/2006 11:51:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis said...

Love your list BBs! This is too funny! Trollop, Pussy? LMAO

I'm with those who don't like Sandra Brown. Tried reading like 5 books of hers, I just couldn't get into her characters. I liked FRENCH SILK though. :P

8/16/2006 12:18:00 AM  

Blogger ames said...

LMAO!! Good list-I've only read The Wedding, but now I know to stay away from all those other books.
I did read a Mary Balogh book, but it wasn't the one you gals mentioned.

8/16/2006 10:20:00 AM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

LMAO Too funny, ladies!

Trollop, I've just read Rebecca for my class. HATED IT! "Pussy" drove me nuts!

Harlot, I've read all of Garwood's books and I agree with you about Brenna! I loved The Bride and when I found out it has a sequel, was so excited to read it. But dude, The Wedding is no way as good as its prequel.

8/16/2006 10:44:00 AM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

LOL LOL LOL

This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh BBs, and thanks for the warning! Hate stupid heroines!!!

8/16/2006 11:27:00 AM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

I reeeeallly need to get out more and hit Waldenbooks. LOLLOL

Dakota :)

8/16/2006 11:53:00 AM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

LMAO, too funny!!!!!

You BBs rock!

8/16/2006 02:13:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I completely, utterly, wholeheartedly agree with you. Personally, I hate nearly all of Wendy Holden's books. The first one was funny, the last one merely ok, and the others were worse than getting kicked in the head with steel-toed boots. Her characters are mostly whiny, without self-esteem and just getoveritalreadygodammit! I only recently read her latest book because I found it for 50 cents in a second-hand store, and I didn't have anything else to read...

8/16/2006 03:12:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

OMG LOL I think Pussy should die with the burning manor. Like they say, she's too stupid to live.

Great post!

8/16/2006 04:01:00 PM  

Anonymous Mikal said...

Hahaha! Totally cracks me up..

This is totally topic, but I was reading through TBH Book Discussion, and WTHeck, Alexander cheats in the third book? Argh! Don't get me wrong, I love Alexander and I love TBH + T&A, but.. freaking, what is wrong with that boy?

8/16/2006 04:13:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Mikal,

Can't say anything about this since, the injustice, i still don't have a copy of SUMMER GARDEN. *sniff* But yeah, that's what i heard. Actually, i'm afraid to read TSG now. I can't stand cheating. I don't want to hate Shura. :(

Glad you loved TBH and T&A!

8/16/2006 04:53:00 PM  

Blogger Polly King said...

You ladies crack me up!!! I've only read Rebecca and I totally agree with you about, hahaha Pussy. Great list!

8/17/2006 12:19:00 AM  

Blogger Roxy Harte said...

You girls entertain me!
Thanks for ending my evening online on a high note
Hugs
Roxy

8/17/2006 01:17:00 AM  

Anonymous ag said...

Ooh ... (wiping tears from corner of eyes) Trollop and Harlot, stop ... can't take the laughing anymore.

Seriously, when's the post on brainless heroes coming?

8/17/2006 11:32:00 AM  

Blogger Lola Lovegood said...

LMAO!

I've read both Rebecca and Slightly the one with Rannulf and I have to say couldn't agree more!

8/17/2006 11:53:00 AM  

Blogger Gun_Wielding_Bitch said...

Too funny. I am still pretty new to the romance scene so I haven't read any of the books you listed, and now I won't for sure.

However, I have 2 I would like to point out.

Bettina Verlaine, A Pirate's Love by Johanna Lindsey. The "hero" says "put out without a fight our I'll get out my whip." (No, not his dong, a real cat-o'-nine-tails.) Bettina is afraid of whips and would rater be raped than see if he follows through with his threat (though the hero has never raised his voice to her let alone was ever get rough with her.) So, the dumb bitch stays in his cabin (he is a pirate and they are on his ship) and let's him rape her, never fighting. She never tried escape, never fought. Fuck him. Let's see, rape or fight and have a chance? I'm fighting. Maybe that's me but I'd rather fight and die than roll over and take it... literally. (Except he was a clean cut, super sexy, pirate so I would of taken it from him, BUT ON MY TERMS!)

Second, again JL, and I couldn't find the book title or the names of characters, but it was about a chick who dressed as a boy to get passage on a ship and the hero figures it out, had seen her on the streets as a woman and thought she was hot, plays a joke on the chick making "him" wash the captain (hero) for his bath and all the other duties of a cabin boy, knowing she was a she. Anyway, the girl couldn't figure out why she got "sick" every time he was around her. "Sick" being turned on. She didn't know when she was horny! WTF? How do you not know what that feeling is? What a fuckin' asshole.

8/17/2006 01:19:00 PM