Dimwitted heroines are a particular pet peeve of The Book Bitches. I’m sure you know who I’m referring to. The ones that are brainless enough to make a stop around the corner and shag a guy while being followed by an ax murderer. The ones that let the hero slap them around and treat them like horse manure because they “deserve it,” or explain why it’s okay because “their mom like forgot to buy them a G.I. Joe when they were 6, and they have like this trauma, okay?” And then, there’s the worst kind of heroines: the spineless twats that act like imbeciles simply because they’re brain-dead.
Here’s part of our “Die, Stupid Heroine, Die!” list:
Slightly Wicked by Mary Balogh
I’ll begin by mentioning that I’m probably one of the three people on earth that did not like this series. YES, THAT’S RIGHT, I DIDN’T LIKE IT—stop with the rotten tomatoes! But honestly, who can blame me? If by the third chapter of this book you too don’t want to jump in, nail Judith-the-Martyr to a cross and have her beaten with a long wooden stick, you are probably the reincarnation of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.
Judith Law is the typical “beautiful” heroine that thinks herself to be uglier than Orlando Bloom in drag. I know this on its own will not make you believe that she is a stupid imbecile; pitiful and worthless, yes—but I agree, not stupid. Now, how about if I tell you that she is sacrificing her life and youth to be an unpaid servant to her very rich and very rude relatives so that her younger brother can gamble the money away. Is that stupid enough? Hmm, perhaps you need a little more convincing. Maybe something like the fact that she boinks a total stranger, on the road to some gad-forsaken town, and then refuses his marriage proposal because she would rather have a miserable and unhappy life as a poor slave than be the wife of a noble and rich man—who has probably impregnated her!!!
The Second Mrs. de Winter
Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
Mrs. de Winter (her first name was never disclosed so I am led to believe it was probably Pussy; Pussy de Winter, sounds fitting), was a rather nervous and oppressed individual. At the beginning I felt sorry for her: a poor woman working as a lady’s maid, with no family or anything to call her own. But as the book progressed, I started to get irritated by her actions. I mean, how spineless could one person be?
She marries a rich man and lives in his mansion, yet the lady of the house is still his DEAD wife, Rebecca. The maid treats her like a leper, the husband walks all over her, and what does she do? NOTHING! I wanted to give the heroine a good shake and slap her a couple of times until she came to her senses. I wanted her to fire Mrs. Danvers, burn the west wing, and buy herself some kinky lingerie and fuck that husband of hers three ways till the weekend. In general, I wanted Pussy to grow a fucking spine and show some spirit. But, alas, it was not to be. If possible, with every page, she became even more pitiful to the point where I could not go on, to the point where I actually thought having my nails ripped out was a more entertaining way to spend my time.
The Wedding by Julie Garwood
I love JG and honestly hate to criticize her work, but it has to be said that this Lady Brenna is one dumb twat. The hero’s stepmother told her she should submit to the brother-in-law who has the hots for her, and by the hots I mean he tried to rape her. So she kills him. Nothing to get upset about; the guy was scum, she did the world a favor. However, Brenna gets the mother of all depressions, not because she felt bad for taking a life but, get this: because she thought to be a perfect wife she should have shagged her husband’s brother!!!
Brenna is the worst type of heroine, she’s completely unsympathetic and irritating. I think JG wanted us to feel sorry for her because “... her body was so terribly imperfect. She was fully aware of her flaws. Her breasts were too large, her hips too narrow, and her legs were too long for the rest of her body.” Oh, Ms. Garwood, PUH-LEASE, give me a fucking break!—or at least a heroine with real problems, like vaginal herpes or something.
Hot Rain by Kat Martin
This heroine (if you can actually call her that) did the stupidest things I’ve EVER read about. I think she did something moronic each page. Let’s see... Allie was convinced there was foul play involved with her best friend’s death, so she stole an insurance file (I believe this is a crime), then hid away inside a yacht to concoct more of her lamebrained theories (without thinking of her safety). She got discovered by the hero nonetheless, who claimed her as his own—all for her own protection, of course (yeah, right). She then planned to flee from the hero by setting the bed on fire (I KNOW!—wait, it gets better), hoping someone would notice. Ironically, if the hero hadn’t seen the smoke, she’d have died of smoke inhalation or burned to death (was actually crossing my fingers for this to happen!!!).
After many horrible incidents (due to her undending stupidity), Allie demanded total honestly from the hero. What’s the first question that came to her non-existent mind? Why, of course: “Are you married?” THIS after being kidnapped, beaten senseless, and STILL lying half dead on the ground since they’d just survived a horrible plane crash. Uh-hmm. But that’s nothing compare to this stunt: she got angry at him because he DID NOT rape her, or at least felt tempted to!!! *breathe* Oh, well, I guess we should cut her some slack. I mean, she was obviously insulted and deeply hurt for not being a rape victim material—that poor, poor brainless fuck.