Monday, January 9, 2006

Secret babies

Some months ago, while posting in a book site, I came across a publishing “phenomenon” called the “secret baby books.” I will do the honorable thing and admit that I was making fun of these books way before I found out what they actually entailed. I mean, SECRET babies?!? Surely the premise would involve some imbecilic woman trying to hide an eight-month pregnancy from a blind moron that shagged her on a three-day drunken orgy. And honestly, I am surrounded by stupidity every day of the week, why would I also want to read about it?

It turns out that my assumptions weren’t so ludicrous after all. “Secret baby books” do revolve around a story “... in which the birth (or discovery) of a child is the pivotal development in the plot.” You’d be surprised to hear that it’s not only the mothers keeping the babies a secret, but also the fathers!!!! *shock*

I can only imagine how absurd a book with a “secret mother” can be about. It will most definitely involve amnesia/coming back from the dead and/or loosing baby at the mall—perhaps even all three: coming back from the dead at the mall with amnesia. I’m not sure how many people actually read this crap, but I’m so glad these books exist since now I can have a jolly good laugh when in the mood to poke fun at something.

Doing research for my “fugly book covers” post, I stumbled upon some pretty preposterous “secret baby” covers, not to mention the embarrassingly funny book titles. Since I’m such a wonderful bitch, I will let you in on the fun. *g* Without further ado, here are the worst of the worst SB titles.

I divided these books/covers in three separate categories. You know, just in case you got really confused.

The blind ding-dongs

Someone tell me I’m not the only one that can see the HUGE belly in the first cover. How can that idiot miss the “secret baby,” especially since he has his arms around that big bulge?! Buddy, I’ve got news for you: that’s not a bad case of indigestion. That woman is either about to give birth right there in the middle of your corny picnic, or is dying from a 12-pound carcinogen tumor. In any case, you might need the blind doctor in the second cover who, apparently, is too stoned to realize that the little boy running in front of him—who is probably already making out with the slutty neighbor and stealing his cigarettes—is his “secret son.”

The rich spread their seed

There appears to be a pack of rabid millionaires going around impregnating women. Now, what I don’t understand is why these kids are being kept secret. If some millionaire knocked me up I’d make him pay through the nose, for the “secret baby,” the ones I’d had before (secret or otherwise), and the ones to come.

The amnesiacs and the... err... I’m not sure what to call these men!

Both these covers are very creepy: the doting fathers with the 80’s haircut looking lovingly at their “secret babies.” These of course, are the ones kept secret from the mother who, I’m guessing, was drugged up all through the pregnancy, then beaten unconcious so she would not remember giving birth, and is now wondering the streets hugging a raggedy baby doll to her chest calling it Maria Inez Guadalupe de los Santos or some such other ridiculous name (very Spanish novela like). But someone, please, explain to me why the pedophilic looking man in the second cover is not wearing a shirt! I just don’t get it. Does he think his pelts of chest hair are attractive? Or gad forbid, does he want that dummy looking baby to confuse him with her long lost mother, and try to feed from him?????

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12 comment(s):

Blogger Slacker Mom said...

Oh my gosh.
These had me cracking up!!

Where on earth did you find these???

Do real people read these?

Thanks for the chuckle.

1/09/2006 01:27:00 PM  

Anonymous Ann said...

The hairy chest guy is creeping me out!

1/09/2006 02:32:00 PM  

Anonymous Lisa C said...

I can't see how anyone could possibly pull off a "secret mother" plotline and have it come out readable!

The cover guys are scary! Too bad there was no description of the plot on

I love your comments here! I come back every day to check out the latest article.

1/09/2006 02:46:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Slacker mom. amazingly, it seems these books have quite a following, lol. Most of these are harlequin books, I think :S

Lisa C: tk you so much for visiting :D post often, we love to hear from readers!

1/09/2006 03:28:00 PM  

Anonymous Jade Emilia said...

Oh Lord,

Really who reads this stuff? Somebody has got to if they keep on writting them, but really, somebody need a life. The guy in the second cover, looks totally creepy, if I saw him carying a chold I'd call the police. :)

loved you article by the way. :)


1/09/2006 08:32:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are hysterical! Not to mention right on the money... these people are incredibly stupid & scary love your wit & style, will go read more now!


1/09/2006 08:45:00 PM  

Blogger Erin said...

Ha! I know I should not find this post nearly as funny as I do, seeing as how you were quizzing me on this very phenomena not more than a week ago. I do have to admit though, the concept of the 'secret mother' is one that totally confuses me. As always, thanks for the laugh!

1/10/2006 01:35:00 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I love your blog and specially this post made me laugh and laugh and laugh... I regret that my english is not so good as to tell you how much I enjoy your posts. Happy to know there's somebody else thinking "Die Horatio Caine die!"


1/10/2006 06:53:00 AM  

Blogger jaxieknight said...

OMG! You did it again. My ribs are hurting. Ok, I think I have an explaination for the guys with the infants in the last two book covers: the moms are running around in the mall with amnesia. The guy with the rug on his chest: I agree with Ann.
I'll see her "Ewwwww" and raise it with 'that's just plain narly.'

1/11/2006 04:10:00 AM  

Anonymous triticale said...

Well it's better than the real-world women who claim to be pregnant and then steal an infant to present as their own.

1/11/2006 04:55:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love secret babies. Here is my interpretation. You can get away with a pregnant woman on the cover (I still hate it, but here's how it's a secret). Usually, this is how the father finds out there is a baby. It's like I remember you. I took you home from a bar 4 months ago... oh, hey! And then she says I don't want anything from you, leave me alone and he spends the whole book wooing a pregnant woman and somehow she decides to want him like while going into labor and then there's an epilogue and everyone's happy.

You can have a secret mother, but it's a litle trickier. The ones I've read all involve adoption. The father goes searching for the mother and then finds out who it is, wants to protect the kid so starts to date her as a pretense to get to know her better and then falls in love. By that time, it's awkward to say oh, you're the mother of my baby, why'd you give him up? This also happened once where an uncle searched for a nephew's mother after the death of the adoptive parents.

The covers and titles are always horrendous, but I love that they're predictable and easy to read.

1/13/2006 03:05:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Jade Emilia LMAO, I'd probably call the police too!!! Tks for the kind words :) Welcome aboard :D

Kyrah, tks :D we love that you like what you're reading :D Welcome!

Erin, errr.... lol don't know quite what to say, besides: tks for the help and for being such a good sport :D You rock babe!

E. tks babe so glad I could bring a smile to your face :D and don't worry about your english, non of us (xcept for Tart) are native english speakers :D post often!!!

Jaxie, you crack me up!!! Rug indeed, lol. Welcome back :D

Triticle, I'm sure that topic has been covered in secret baby books too, lol. Surely a plot as juicy as that could not have escaped these authors. Welcome, stop by and post often :D

Anon, LOVE LOVE LOVE your reply, as it gives me a different perspective of what these books mean to the people that read them. Could you email me? would love to post some of this in a future blog post, that way I can have the two sides of the coin.

1/13/2006 10:57:00 PM