Monday, August 20, 2007

The best misconceptions about me and my sex life

Trollop’s snobby post made me think of all the misconceptions I’ve gotten due to our blog. Not Raoul being my EXCLUSIVE love property as that is the truth and nothing but the truth so help me Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy—but I’m sure you won’t be surprised that most of them are sex related. *suffering sigh* I suppose there are consequences of having Harlot as your name... Well, at least I’m not “Vicious Harlot” as that would be juuuust wrong. :/

If you’re tired of me talking about sex stuff, go take a hike and live with the mountain goats or something. As for the rest of you lot, let’s talk about the best misconceptions about me and my sex life, shall we? *g*

Misconception 1: I prefer BOB than the real thing. (or) Because I like BOB, a cock is not enough.

Mainly it’s because of this, this and this. I’ve said it before: I highly advocate masturbation and the use of BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend). That won’t change until infallible scientists tell me fiddling with myself will make my “little man in the boat” fall off! Xenu forbid! (Or is it Xemu? *confused*) Still, I would NEVER say a BOB comes ANYWHERE close to being with a man; and BOB will never give me the satisfaction and bliss I get with the real thing.

There are different circumstances though. If you want to make love with someone, a BOB will disappoint you, but if you fancy a quick sail on a golden cloud, a BOB is bloody fantabulous. ;)

Misconception 2: I’m blinded by beefcake.

Not so, my good man. When a Capt. von Trapp passes me by, I’m no Fraulein Harlot who won’t look and assess how he’d look naked while bringing me drinks. Ohhh, I can’t deny it: I love eye candy and fruity martinis!

Now, I love a strong man on his knees (with olives and cute tiny umbrella :D) but I don’t fancy a bulky Hulky Hogan (and no red bandana, euw!). Me likey leaner guys with broad shoulders, defined abs and strong arms/hands that know how to make margaritas and mojitos, mmm mmmm...

Misconception 3: I’m really, really sexually experienced.

Again, no. What? RIIIILLY, sheesh. Perhaps it seems as if I’m shagging a new man every night but, sorry, that’s mostly my own conceit. I’ve had an assortment of experiences but compare to Trollop, I’m pretty lamecore. :/ I’m no damn expert on anything except my own selfish harloty desires. Oh, anguish, truly truly. *sniffles*

Misconception 4: I have a foot fetish and love sucking toes.

This is a vicious lie circulated by Trollop! Yes, I have an oral fixation that MIGHT border on a fetish—I love having my man suck and lick stuff and moans and tongues and, yes, mouths—god, nice—oh my good Xenu, I beg thee!—BUT THAT’S IT!

Er... *ahem* hee, what I mean is if I have a fetish for a body part, it’s the man’s hands: how masculine it looks, its shape and size, how strong it seems and how it feels... ooh la la...

Misconception 5: I get tons of lurve emails from our male readers.

Sadly, no. *weeps silently* The last one I got was months ago from lovely George who thinks: “Too bad we are so far apart... both in distance and in age... My loss I am certain.”

I got this one from *Him*: “... beauty that makes me long to touch you but with command that stings and would not allow me. Cruel, cruel, beauty, beauty.” Hmmm, I know I’m bitchingly uber pritti :P but I hope I’m not that cruel...

ANYWHO, now, your turn. *g* Anyone thought you’re into reading upside down or milking a cat or any freaky thing like that? Come on, tell us, what are the best misconceptions about you (sex-related or otherwise)?

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42 comment(s):

Blogger Vanessa said...

I like the letters. :) Anyway, misconception about me... that I'm high maintenance. I'm really not. I don't know why people think that.

Another one: sometimes some people mistake my kindness for weakness. I hate whenever that happens.

8/20/2007 04:22:00 PM  

Anonymous Dreamer said...

I think a lot of people think I'm a stuck up snob, because I'm usually very quiet, but I'm really just shy.

I've also been told that I seem sure of myself, and that's got to be the weirdest statement I've ever heard, because it's so far from the truth. I think it comes down to the same thing as before though: I'm quiet, and therefore do not voice my worries.

8/20/2007 05:29:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Xenu. LOL

People think that I will blow my millions of dollars away on any hot piece of delicious man who comes along. It pisses me off to no end! Ggrrrr.

Of course, not that I have millions of dollars. :P

I think people think I'm flighty but I'm not unstable or scatterbrained.

8/20/2007 06:03:00 PM  

Anonymous Tinkerbell said...

Good post.

I'm like Dreamer. My shyness gets mistaken for being a stuck up snob.

8/20/2007 07:55:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

That I'm naive because I trust many people. Is it wrong to trust?

8/20/2007 09:05:00 PM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

Only you BB, cracking me up while talking about sex. :)

People mistake my mellow and quiet demeanor as being indecisive or weak. Sometimes a person is only shy you know.

8/20/2007 09:33:00 PM  

Blogger Mailyn said...

LMFAO at the toe fetish. That's a pretty yucky fetish to have. I mean ew stinky fet! LOL.

8/20/2007 11:54:00 PM  

Blogger Duvy said...

ROFL Harlot you KILL me! I am sitting here laughing my ass off, I'm sure my neighbors think I'm crazy.

A lot of times people think I'm childish/naive because I LOVE cute/fuzzy/sparkly/cuddly things. My panda bear backback is practically glued to my shoulders. But I really just like things that make me giggle!

And, erm, not sure if this is the place to do it, but write a post on dating older men!!! Have you already??? Inquiring bitches want to know! (or, maybe just me since I'm having a dilemma and want to know your alls' takes on it XD) xoxo

8/21/2007 02:42:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

People think I'm a total slut b/c I'm always talking about sex. After they've known me for a while they'll tell me "at first I thought you were going to be really easy to get in bed" LOL It's very hard to get me to open my legs VERY HARD. Dunno why, but I don't take sex lightly :P

8/21/2007 05:50:00 AM  

Blogger Rachel said...

OMG! LOL. Harlot, that was funny!

People think I do what I want without caring what other people think and that I'm a cynic. Wrong. I've always been a romantic. I'm a sentimental romantic sometimes it makes me sick!

8/21/2007 09:25:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Heheh. I want to say people think I'm Michelle Pfeiffer's sister because she has amazing genes but... sigh... I can only dream.

Because I'm so quiet, people perceive me as being unapproachable, standoffish or unfriendly. Then they get to know me and realize I'm not. I'm a little anti-social but that is only because I want to be alone sometimes.

8/21/2007 10:19:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Trollop, I don't think anyone should take sex lightly. ;)

8/21/2007 10:20:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Gah! I've been trying to comment for the last 10 minutes! GRRR

I too don't take sex very lightly. Trollop knows that to the point she distinctly told me i should see more people. :P She is right anyway. (I hate it when she's right! :@)

So yeah, just because a girl is open-minded about sex doesn't mean she's a slut. Tsk, people should have learned this by now..

8/21/2007 11:23:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Duvy,

How old are we talking about here? :P When i was 19 i dated this 35 year old guy. I found him sooo sexy and so confident that i couldn't help but felt ackward around him. To my wonder i later found out i actually made him nervous LOL.

I suppose Trollop and i could write about this topic. ;)

8/21/2007 11:24:00 AM  

Anonymous Lindsey said...

This blog is truly amazing.

One of the biggest misconceptions about me stems from my being a stay-at-home mom. Some people think that I don't know anything or I'm clueless about the outside world. Not true.

Also, people should know that it is not easy being a stay-at-home mom. I often think motherhood is the hardest job of all and staying at home with your kids is 100% better than working outside your home. One of the benefits is the flexibility:
I love that I can change my schedule that if it's a beautiful day I can just head to the beach.

I never resented the fact (nor will I ever resent it) that I have to stay home for my kids. I have a wonderful occupation and I will never regret the time that I have spent with my children.

8/21/2007 12:01:00 PM  

Anonymous karamia said...

Lindsay, I totally get what you're saying.
I get two misconceptions. The first is that I am a snob because I am quiet around new people and because I like good coffee, wine, food, clothes, etc. But then I get comfortable around them and they realize I am pretty easy going.
The second is that I am a prissy goody two shoes since I stay home with my kids and I'm on the PTA.
I hear all the time that I am totally different that people thought. They usually can't get over how dirty I am. Like Trollop, I talk about sex all the time, too.

8/21/2007 01:05:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

I agree about BOB. It will never replace a man but it is very handy when you only want a quick thing. :P

I'm not sure what are the misconceptions about me. They always say I'm very talkative and perky which are both true. LOL

8/21/2007 01:59:00 PM  

Anonymous Luci said...

I haven't been on the blog for ages, but I have really missed it. Harlot you are a riot!!

The misconception about me is that cause I amn't very talkative but am very observant - that I am a complete snob.

8/21/2007 02:25:00 PM  

Anonymous Lindsey said...

Karamia, I am more aware of my surroundings now that I'm a stay at home mom. I'm not in a dark, dark place as some people would think. For one thing, I have more time to read and to learn.

No one should criticize a woman for choosing to primarily care for her children before or after having a career.

8/21/2007 02:59:00 PM  

Blogger Polly King said...

Gawd, I missed you bitches.

Common misconception about me is that I'm an innately unhappy person. I just like being alone and I try to reserve my opinions particularly those that would get me into trouble.

8/21/2007 03:52:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The biggest misconception about me is that I am put together and strong. Well, this just proves that first impressions are not always right! I hate to admit it but I am scatter-brained and flaky and VERY unorganized; Not to mention most of the time I am an emotional train-wreck that cries over the strangest things, like road kill.

8/21/2007 06:45:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

The usual misconception about me is that I am conceited. I think some people misconstrue my frankness with conceit.

8/21/2007 06:53:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Anonymous, don't beat yourself up honey. It happens to the best of us. You just need to nurture a good state of mind. :)

8/21/2007 06:57:00 PM  

Anonymous dave said...

ahahaha... that was great.

ridiculous misconception - that i was gay. it's because i dress 'nice'.

8/21/2007 08:51:00 PM  

Anonymous karamia said...

Anon, Aren't we all a bit scatterbrained and unorganized? Don't be so hard on yourself. Most "together" people I know are that way!

8/21/2007 11:57:00 PM  

Anonymous Dreamer said...

I'm with Duvy: you should write a post about dating older men. I've always had a thing for older guys. In fact, my current crush is eleven years older than me. My friends thinks it's weird that I like him. Is it?

Anywho, I've actually written a blog post about this, which I haven't posted yet, but plan on doing soon as I have figured out how to write a blog script. *grin* I'll probably write a lot more about crushing on and dating older men later too, seeing as I'm very interested in this topic myself. Hehehe!

8/22/2007 05:52:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

AMEN to what Lindsey said. Being a stay at home mom is no walk in the park.

8/22/2007 08:36:00 AM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

BB, for the last three hours I could not open your blog. I kept getting a server error message.

Anyway, people often get a misconception of me because of my past misadventures and my piercings, but I learned not to give them any attention. Once they get to know me, they'll realize that I'm really the girl next door type.

Olly

8/22/2007 12:18:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Yes to Duvy's suggestion. As always, I want to know the BB's spin on this subject.

Olly

8/22/2007 12:24:00 PM  

Anonymous donna said...

biggest misconceptions about me:

work related- that i just don't know what's going on. i do know, my boss knows i know. i've just chosen to ignore the blatherfest.

sex related- my bro-in-law once mistook my slightly off-color joke as a reason to earnestly enlighten me on "how a gentleman will allow his lady her pleasure first"
(my husband & i were both multi-orgasmic)

AHHHHHH I still cringe and run screaming from whatever room when i think of this.

No, Not a bro-in-law topic Ever. Never. He's a great guy but Just No.

oh, and i agree, BOBs not included when making love but good fun to play with (perhaps on the next go 'round)

as far as older men: i think people rarely resemble their chronological ages. my only word of caution would be to watch for the patriarchal types.

8/22/2007 12:46:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Olly,
Yep. Blogger had an outage. Everyone lost access to their accounts and no one can't access any blogspot. :/


Donna,
"how a gentleman will allow his lady her pleasure first"
LMAO! OMG i would have diiiiied! That was funny, hee. Thanks for sharing. :P

8/22/2007 01:12:00 PM  

Blogger Lily Moon said...

Aah, only you Book Bitches. Until you guys, I never thought I would find topics about sex this fun and this funny.

Misconceptions about me:
- scatter-brained
- don't take things seriously
- computer nerd

The biggest one was when my roommate thought I was trying to steal her stupid bf!! WTF?

8/22/2007 01:45:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Harlot, I figured as much because my friend's blog was not working either. I just thought to let you know :-)

donna, I'm not laughing about your embarrassment but that was freaking funny! lol

Olly

8/22/2007 02:00:00 PM  

Anonymous Terrie said...

i have a girlfriend who just loves to call me "the mistress of sex". i mean like.. HELLO?! does it mean that just because i'm more open with topic of sex or because at times i would suggest new things to experiment with or because at times i would encourage her to spice up her sex life hence i'm "the mistress of sex"? no!

i wouldn't mind it if she'd just call me that whenever we're by ourselves. i mean, i could simply take it as a joke but hey, know when to stop! there is no need to exclaim it especially when we're in the midst of men! what would they think?!

truly, i don't quite fancy the idea of being thought of by the male population as "the mistress of sex" who has been with God knows how many men..

sometimes, i think she's doing it on purpose. hmph.

8/22/2007 02:51:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

I agree with Karamia. There are times one just falls apart. Even a "strong" person can go under depression. But after lying down on the floor for a while, you get up - and that's what makes all the difference.

8/23/2007 10:11:00 AM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

I forgot to mention this but the boyfriend thinks TBB is a porn site. Talk about a misconception huh? :P

8/23/2007 09:37:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Danielle LOL! The husband thinks this is the place where I get my "girlie fix". I learn some things and he reaps the benefits. He's pleased. ;)

8/24/2007 10:34:00 PM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8/26/2007 02:00:00 AM  

Blogger Lorelei said...

Has anyone seen High School Musical 2? I loved the first one and watched the second one with my squealing 12-yr-old niece, on my couch, with our eyes glued to the TV. I know I am too old to be talking about this and I feel a little dirty for liking Zac Efron but my bf keeps saying he's gay! Talk about a misconception! Just because Zac can sing and he is also in HairSpray does not mean he's gay! And just because I like him doesn't mean I'm a pervert.... or am I??

8/26/2007 02:04:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

the boyfriend thinks TBB is a porn site

So, basically, talking about sex and romance books is considered porn? :P


Lorelei,
Have yet to see it but i think the first one is good. That Zac dude is cute! LOL Dunno about him being gay though.. never read any such thing.

8/26/2007 02:56:00 AM  

Blogger Isabella said...

I think Zac Efron is cute. LOL I didn't see High School Musical 2 though. Is it as good as the first one?

8/26/2007 04:40:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have to say, fabulous sense of humor you two have. rock on book bitches.

neilsen

9/01/2007 09:09:00 PM