Thursday, May 24, 2007

"I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady."

The old “I can’t live without you” always seemed so weak to me;
I like the more modern “I can make it without you,
but just by existing you enrich my life so much I’ll never want to.”
- Jennifer Crusie


When Preston Burke on Grey’s Anatomy spoke these words last week, my heart went thump-thump-thumpity-thump. *sigh* Between movies and TV, I’ve heard a lot of lines uttered and this is probably one of the best. It’s not dramatic, it’s not over the top, it’s just... strikingly real. And he MEANS it—that’s why you feel it with EVERYTHING in your body and it leaves you feeling breathless. *double sigh* Just perfect.

Seriously, how lucky is Cristina Yang! (BITCH! *grrr*) And it’s not really because of the breathtaking words. (Though, if they were said to me by the man I love, my knickers would melt on the spot. *swoon* Then I’d shag him till he’s cross-eyed and senseless with bliss and probably unable to walk LOL.) If you have a TV and good taste (that means everyone except Trollop), you know how difficult Burke and Cristina’s relationship had been; yet with all they have been through, Burke is still sure, he is still steady. Oh god, I swear no one will judge you infidels if you actually turned green with envy while fantasizing of ripping each and every strand of Yang’s undeserving hair! On her head (evil), her eyebrows (evil witch)... Oh, wait—she doesn’t have those anymore!!! *MUAH HA HA HA HA* *choke*

Er, *ahem* anyway, like the sure and steady Dr. Burke, heroines in romance novels ALWAYS know they are in love. They love their guy without any doubts, without any questions; and despite all the difficulties, they KNOW he is “it.” I can’t help but wonder, am I the only one who finds love difficult to discern? :/

It seems like such a silly question: “How can I tell I’m in love? How do I know when it’s the real deal?” yet it’s not an easy one to answer. I think the real problem of knowing love lies between the issue of who or what. Do you love him or do you love something about him? Do you love him for the things he does or the singularity of who he is? And it’s awfully difficult because while at times you feel you love someone for the totality of himself, you’re constantly forced to distinguish these by things. For example: you realize you love him while you’re making dinner together. This is who or what. But when the relationship ends, it is often accompanied by a great sense of disillusionment; he is no longer what you loved. So you must ask yourself, what has changed in all of this?

It’s complicated. What feels like love to one person may be nothing but affection to another. Some fall in and out of love too fast and too often, while others are never really in love as much as they’re in lust. And when sorting between your feelings and his feelings, there’s the issue of respect, commitment and trust. Then, of course, there’s the issue of the extreme confusion one usually feels whenever you are with The One. You want to laugh and you want to cry; you feel so FREAKING LUCKY that you’ve found this incredible connection and yet so SCARED that it’ll go away—all this at the same time! *breathe*

How did you know the first time you were really in love? And for those that went ahead and got married, what made you feel that this person, above all others, was the one you wanted to kiss good night every night for the rest of your life?


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31 comment(s):

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Grey's anatomy *yawn*

And it's not my fault I don't have a tv!!!!!!! I'm poor :/


Now, for the love thing. I don't think this can be explained. It's funny how I realized I was in love, even after I think I already knew LOL

All this will sound kind of weird but, when my grandfather died there was a big thing in DR. This big political figure who had been our president on and off for 24 years had died that same morning and both my grandpa (who'd been a senator) and our ex prez were being shown (is that the correct term?) in the same funeral home.

Anyway, the funeral parlor was FULL and I mean FULL of people you couldn't even go in. I was walking up the stairs to the second floor and I was trying to dodge the gazillion and one people that were trying to trample me when I looked up, and there was the BF walking towards me with one hand in his pocket wearing this perfect black suit, with a gorgeous black shirt and black tie. He reached the stairs to give me his hand and help me up, and when he touched me I knew. I knew I would love this man for ever and ever and he could have my heart. In that second I took the risk of knowing that one day he might hurt me (which he has) but that it would be ok in the end, because I loved him so much I knew we could get over anything.

And of course, that's when I decided I would sleep with him too. I'd been making him wait for 8 months LOL

5/24/2007 12:36:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

Trollop, that was nice. :) Anyway for me, it took me a long time, a lot of mistakes and a lot of boyfriends. LOL. But then I just knew one night when he hugged me. Nothing magical, I just knew that I loved him and I felt safe and everything was right. It's hard to explain but you feel it everywhere. There is no formula or logic to love. You just feel it in your heart, your mind and your soul. You know there's a possibility of him hurting you but you still take the risk. You'd rather be with him than not. Does that make sense? LOL

Of course it helps that he's a wonderful guy. No games. So I never had any insecurities. I love coming home to him.

5/24/2007 01:06:00 PM  

Blogger Danielle De Barbarac said...

I enjoy posts like this! Trollop, you don't like GA?

To answer the question, I just did! LOL. I know, but I just did. One day my BF and I were out and while I was looking at him, it's like I was hit with this brilliant idea and I knew, I don't want to live without this man for the rest of my life. It's like no other feeling I have ever experienced. Everything felt right. At first there were the little signs, like I couldn't stop thinking about him, I worry about him, I care about his feelings, he makes me happy. I don't care about anything else in the world but to be with him. I'm not afraid of the future because it will be with him.

Since we're in this topic, I don't believe there is such a thing as love as first sight. Attraction at first site, yes, but you have to know the person before you can fall in love with them.

5/24/2007 01:58:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Danielle, well I dunno. I mean, I'd probably watch if I had a TV, but the episodes I've seen haven't made me fall madly in love with the show. I guess not my kind of thing.

I don't believe in love at first sight either. What I do believe is in wanting-to-rip-someone's-clothes-off-the-minute-you-lay-eyes-on-him-lust LOL!

5/24/2007 02:56:00 PM  

Blogger Aradia said...

How did I know he is the one? We started going out (strictly as friends) in a time when my girl friends abandoned me and my guy friends had too much issue to spend time with me! (And what a blessing it turned out to be!) Anyway after a few months of pure friendship we had a disagreement that turned to argument. We were sitting in a park in the afternoon and I stood up and started to leave (after saying things like “ok then I think this is goodbye” and “thanks for great company” and “see you around!”….) I took 10-20 steps and at the end of that little trail turned back and looked at him. His posture, his anxious eyes, everything was saying” Don’t go!” but in a moment he sat back and winked at me and said “Come back here!”, all confident! In those steps back toward him, I knew he is different (because I changed my decision to be with him). When he held me telling me “I won’t let you go that easily” in a mix of teasing and seriousness; it triggered something. All my other love interests had let me go easily over small matters. Their pride and stubbornness was more important for them than being with me. It was when I let my heart start loving him and letting him be someone more than “just a friend”. Some weeks later when we confessed to loving each other, I knew he is all I ever wanted in a man (intelligent, confident, proud, funny, romantic, caring and most important of all trust worthy). I could trust him with my life and future, I could let him lead and decide and for a control freak like me it isn’t an easy task! Every guy before was a lesson in what I don’t want in man. The question of “should we get married?” never came up! It was all a matter of “when the time is right” and yes, we didn’t have a proposal either! We just knew we belong together! We got married two years after that argument in the park, that hot summer afternoon; when I looked back at him seeing his beautiful hazel eyes full of longing and anxiety.

5/24/2007 03:30:00 PM  

Blogger Aradia said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

5/24/2007 03:32:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

I'm pretty darn sure my hunny is the one. It just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks one day. Just an unexplanable sureness that he was my 'one'. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him.

It wasn't a love at first sight thing. In fact it was into 4th year of dating... I was looking over at him leaning over his computer in his old boxers, a big ol nose and sticky out ears and bald head (he shaved his head that year). and I knew, if I could love him unconditionally and think all his little faults endearing qualities and have him feel as comfortable around me as I do around him.. it must be true love :)

5/24/2007 04:19:00 PM  

Anonymous Desiree said...

I've been in a lasting relationship for the past 21 years, but we never married. He really is "the one" the love of my life, my soul mate. We realize we are both set in our ways and need our own space, so we've never lived together. But we spend all our spare time with each other and talk every day. I know that's an odd relationship, but we are so happy!

The fact is, I didn't know he was the one. At first I refused to go out with him because he's short, bald and dresses like an absent minded professor. However, each time we met, at parties and other events, we ended up talking for hours and laughing. Our first real date was very tentative - lunch and the St Patrick's Day parade. We had a blast and were together from then on.

At the beginning of our relationship, we discovered we had a mutual close friend. That night I called her and she told me he had already called her. She still gloats, taking credit for getting us together. Bless her.

5/24/2007 05:29:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

I started dating my BF four years ago. I'd been dating his friend but we kissed one night after work. I felt so guilty about kissing another guy behind my BF's back that I was totally distraught. Then my now BF told me not to worry about hurting his feelings, that if I wanted to stay with my then BF he would be fine, all he really wanted was to see me happy. That was the day I knew I wanted to be with him. We started going out and the next thing I knew, I just knew, he's the love of my life.

When you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness for the good of another person, that is when you know that you have the kind of bond that cannot be broken. However, that has to go both ways, you shouldn't always be the one making the sacrifices.

5/24/2007 06:06:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

I don't believe in love at first sight either. What I do believe is in wanting-to-rip-someone's-clothes-off-the-minute-you-lay-eyes-on-him-lust LOL!

Trollop, lol, you said it right.

5/24/2007 06:07:00 PM  

Blogger Rachel said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

5/24/2007 06:11:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

Seems that a theme running through this thread's comments is "trust." I do believe that it is important to women when choosing a mate for life.
You have to trust someone to want a future, or to see a future with them and possibly to go on to start a family with them. The family will have to be able to trust as well.
It has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with compatibility. If you don't have anything in common and/or are not friends, it is pretty much doomed over a long period of time.
+ A lack of trust will falter a relationship quicker than the Titanic sank.
Love at first sight is non-existant and it is lust at first sight.
I don't watch TV much, so don't watch Grey's Anatomy either.
*ducks rocks*

5/24/2007 07:41:00 PM  

Anonymous Lindsey said...

I just knew. We went out for a movie one night and a car almost hit me. He pulled me back and he was hugging me so tight like he never wanted to let me go. That's when I realized I wanted to spend every waking second with him and not my friends or family. All I thought about was him. Then we broke up for a while (complicated to explain) and I seriously felt like I might die from a broken heart. Now we are married and have been for years :)

5/24/2007 08:55:00 PM  

Anonymous Lindsey said...

Those who don't watch Grey's Anatomy are missing a lot! (ducks from VT and Aggie) Harlot, Preston's vows made me swoon!

5/24/2007 08:59:00 PM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

Harlot, fun topic! I really enjoyed reading the comments. Anyway, I can't say there was a single moment when I had the big realization or epiphany. I have to admit that in the beginning of our relationship, there were more feelings on his side than mine. I was even confused. But I really liked him so I gave it a chance. Little by little I felt closer to him and our relationship kept growing and developing. Just when things would start to get a bit dull or hum-drum something would happen to spark things up. Today every once in awhile it hits me, I am so lucky to have this person. My life is way more fun and healthy with him in it and I wouldn't want to be without him :).

5/24/2007 09:22:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

Aggie, I agree about compatibility. Without it, it's hard to make a relationship work. There is also respect and trust, the willingness to listen and to settle your differences in which each side makes concessions. And I have to agree with Lindsey about GA! lol

5/24/2007 09:26:00 PM  

Blogger ...dance? said...

Eh. Burke is all talk and no follow through. And I think he's saying those words to the Cristina in his imagination or his dream woman, not the actual Cristina... But enough about Grey's. ;)

As for the rest of it, I have no idea. I guess I'll just have to wait and see when I got bopped over the head with love.

PS. I love the new colours. :)

5/24/2007 10:13:00 PM  

Anonymous Tinkerbell said...

I had a job relocation so he and I had been living 400 miles apart. Then I came out Christmas that year and was spending a week there when I came down with a flu. I was so sick (this happened on Christmas morning). Later that day I collapsed in the shower and he ripped the door off to get to me and and had called an ambulance because I was unresponsive. He stopped by my family's house and told them what happened. So when I was able to see people I had both him and my parents there! It was so sweet, but the real seal of the deal was that I was unable to fly home because the doctor said no. So he took a week off work and drove me home... and stayed with me until I was able to take care of myself. He was there for 8 days and took care of my kids, and my house, helped with everything, even washing my hair! That is when I KNEW. I was crazy about him anyway, but when I saw how he took care of me when I was totally unable to do anything, I knew I never wanted to be without him. I wish I could say that was the last heatlh scare, but it was not. He was by my side last when I had open heart surgery... and then two months later proposed on Christmas day... We couldn't be happier and I feel truly blessed to have such a wonderful caring person joining me for the rest of our lives.

5/24/2007 10:57:00 PM  

Blogger Biby Cletus said...

Cool blog, i just randomly surfed in, but it sure was worth my time, will be back

Deep Regards from the other side of the Moon

Biby Cletus

5/25/2007 04:51:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Loving these stories! I think we should write a book out of them! We're so much better than a romance novel *g*

BTW, Harlot, where's yours? *wink*

5/25/2007 05:16:00 AM  

Blogger Duvy said...

Hm, not really sure how I knew it was love last time. Honestly, my last relationship was the first time I'd ever been able to know without a doubt that I'd been in love. And the only way I knew it was really love was because afterwards I could look back at every other relationship I'd ever had where I thought I might have been in love and knew that I hadn't been. And who knows, maybe one day I'll be in a different relationship and be so in love that my last one wasn't what real love is either. Just varies from relationship to relationship I think.

As for the whole falling out of love, that's a little trickier. I don't think you stop loving people, you can't really. You get to know someone and something in you just clicks and *bang* you're in love. What I do think happens, however, is that no one stays the same. You might have fallen head over heels for the guy at first, but everyone changes (be it your SO or yourself) and things are just different.

And then it's more a matter of, can you still love this new person or has whatever brought on the feelings of love gone away? And if you do think you can keep loving this person, is it because you are willing to adjust yourself to suit them, or would you try and bring back bits of what it was that made you fall in love in the first place? (I don't like the idea of fully changing someone back because that's just not practical.)

5/25/2007 07:41:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Well, six months after the BF and i started dating, we attended this Halloween party. Someone pushed me off the stairs and i fell. Some people had too much drink I suppose. The next thing i knew he was right next to me. I couldn't move, not because i was hurt but more from the shock really (and embarrassment, i'm a bit clumsy, you see). I looked up and saw his face and, at first i started to smile to tease him because he looked really worried but i've never seen anyone looked at me like i was the most important thing in the world (that's what it felt at the time). He kept talking, asking if i'm okay, if i can stand, etc, and i just nodded and said yeah, and that's the time i realized i really liked him (because i thought it was just the sex LOL). He was soooo mad that night but I still remember the way he softly kissed me when he took me home.

A month after that, he took me to his nephew's fancy christening, despite the fact there were guests who disapprove of us being together. I remember i hadn't slept much the previous night, i was PMSing, i felt like crap and uncomfortable as hell (many of his relatives were there) but he kept smiling and teasing me. I started to realize how our relationship had grown. I noticed how much i loved spending time with him and how much fun we had together. Little things such as, he stopped noticing other women when i'm around. There's a time when it's my way or the highway, but i learned to compromise (sometimes LOL).

Honestly, i can't believe i'm with him right now. It's been two years, he had hurt me, and i've hurt him, but this i know for sure--that i am the one he wants and that he wants to be with me.

5/25/2007 08:56:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Thanks for sharing you guys. That's awesome. I luuurve your stories and i want to hear more. :D

5/25/2007 09:51:00 AM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

My honey and I met on a blind date set up by my mom, of all people! She called me at work and said there was someone I had to meet and that he was perfect for me. So she set it up that later that night I would meet up with him, his cousin (a guy I had actually dated before) and my sister. We all went to dinner and I remember staring across the table at him and smiling at him. On the way back to my car at our meeting place he talked to me and was telling me stories about where he lives and I remember feeling so incredibly giddy! We were in his truck and to get out I climbed out his side and I hugged him and said if he stayed in town much longer he should call. Well I got back in my car I was literally bouncing in my seat with excitement, I felt like I was going to explode! I knew he was the one, right then and there.

It was a week before I heard from him. I hadn't given him my # because I knew if he wanted it he could get it from his cousin, and that is exactly what he did :) I'm so glad he got up the nerve to make that call! And, well...that was 3 years ago. :)

5/25/2007 01:09:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

BBs, this is a great idea :D

Realizing my husband was the one was pretty easy for me. I'd known him for a long time but we'd never had the chance to really KNOW each other. I was in the process of getting over a series of jerks I'd gotten myself involved with when he asked me out. To tell you the truth, I only accepted because I was looking for something to do other than sulk.

What happened was me getting to know the most genuine, kindest and wonderful man I have ever met. I noticed that he cooks, dresses very well, reads, buy me flowers for no reason, and he even dances! I saw that he loves kids, animals, his family, and even my own family. He is funny, interesting to talk to, and has the same lust for learning and traveling as I do. And most importantly, above everything else, he is every bit as excited about my hopes and dreams as I am, and tirelessly supports me in reaching them.

How could I not fall in love with him? I couldn't help it. When I put it all into focus after about a year of dating, I knew he was the one. Unfortunately, it took him another 6 months to get there... but hey, even wonderful men can be a little dim sometimes. ;)

5/25/2007 03:16:00 PM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

Petra, what a wonderful man you've got there. My man also gives me flowers for no reason whatsoever, and he loves to dance ;-)

I love this thread.

Olly

5/25/2007 05:44:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

Duvy, good point. People always change, but we adjust, we learn to accept those changes because part of loving people is accepting them for who they are. (unless it's an unacceptable one i.e. from a faithful man to a cheating jerk)

5/25/2007 06:27:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

"As for the whole falling out of love, that's a little trickier. I don't think you stop loving people, you can't really."

I believe on this too, Duvy. I think it's because you can't come to terms with the fact that the man you love has changed and that makes you reject him. Some people just can't cope up, they can't accept.

I love this thread too and I love the stories everyone has shared.

5/25/2007 07:04:00 PM  

Anonymous ~Cassie~ said...

What about being in love with two people at the same time? Has that happened to you? You like a man for his kindness and sense of humor yet you love another for the way he takes care of you. How do you know which one you should choose?

5/25/2007 11:41:00 PM  

Blogger Virginia said...

Oh, man--those vows KILLED me! I told my boyfriend if he said that to me at the altar I'd jump his bones right there. Decorum be damned! :)

5/27/2007 07:29:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

Cassie, I've never been in this situation but I think it's possible. The thing is, you can't be with both of them. You have to choose which one you love the most (even a Sultan who has 30 wives must have a favorite) and them move on.

6/01/2007 08:34:00 AM