Wednesday, January 18, 2006

My crazy Uncle Isaac

Never in my life have I been so embarrassed. Er, that’s not quite true. There was, of course, that time I noticed an old lady at the gym looking open mouthed at me through glass door in steam room while I bonked that guy... um, you know, THAT guy... I can’t remember his name! Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t think I ever found out what it was!

But back to the point at hand (it not being my shagtastic sexcapades), it was like a car crash of humiliation—even worse than coming out of the bathroom with skirt tucked into g-string and going straight to a meeting. I couldn’t turn away from it. Every time I thought it had sunk to the very bottom of the pit, it managed to sink even lower. It hit rock bottom, went down 20 more feet, sunk into a load of shit and still kept going. No, I am not talking about the Golden Globes, I am talking about the E! Entertainment red carpet pre-show.

I swear, I literally gasped at the questions and comments made by Isaac Mizrahi. I love all things bawdy, but this man crossed the line from gay “bitchy fun” to plain “yuck,” “ewww,” “he has got to be high on crack!” “I must not have heard him correctly” and, “OMG, I can’t believe he just did that!” The only thought that was constant in my mind through those torturous hours was: “Dear lord, this man has got to be stopped!”

Out of every ten words that came out of his mouth, eleven were completely wrong! Just to show you a few examples:

Asking Eva Longoria if she had a Brazilian wax.
Yuck! I don’t want to know the state of this spicy mama’s bush. Surprised she didn’t whack him. Besides, I don’t think Latin girls go for the plucked chicken look.

Asking every celebrity, but especially Sandra Oh’s very pregnant sister, what type of underwear she was wearing.
Double yuck! Don’t want to think about 8-month pregnant women’s underwear!

Looking down Teri Hatcher’s dress, then telling her big dress was appropriate for her because she’s a big girl.
Is this man insane??? I have toothpicks “bigger” than Teri Hatcher. And what’s with looking down her dress? What did he hope to find, surely not tits?

Feeling up Scarlett Johansson’s breasts, which were leading her way down the read carpet. (Never noticed those before. New accessory?)
Okay, is this man really gay, or just wishes he had a pair of knockers like hers?

Continuously bating Ryan Seacrest about being gay.
This just plain pissed me off. Bashing someone out of the closet is tacky. Seacrest’s discomfort was palpable and I felt embarrassed for him. Would pay good money to see the “bitch fight” these two had after the show.

Asking celebs what their zodiac sign is.
Is this the best question he could come up with? Did he do any homework at all, like preparing insightful questions? You might as well have asked them if they “came here often.” Dumbass.

Stating Hilary Swank was recently divorced, and asking Queen Latifah when she’d get married.
Dude, Hilary has not gotten divorced, and Queen is already married! You could have saved yourself some embarrassment by a) keeping your mouth shut, or, b) studying up on your celeb gossip before the red carpet.

Dissing the color orange, and then later gushing over Marcia Cross’s orange colored dress choice.
I guess his two faces couldn’t decide whether orange is in or out this year.

Who would have thought that Joan Rivers would be remembered as the “Class Act” of the red carpet? Isaac reminded me of that drunken uncle everyone has, who asks the most embarrassing questions while slurring and spilling vodka all over himself. He shames everyone and no one is spared, least of all himself. World, I present to you your new uncle. Quick, lets lock him up in the cellar while there is still time.

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6 comment(s):

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Bawdy, LOVED this article you bitchy wench!

I think that Mizrahi's real problem in the red carpet was lack of charm and grace. It seemed to me that he was nervous and had a bad case of verbal diarreah. Had the things he said been delivered in a funnier, wittier way maybe they wouldn't have come out so akward.

I'm sure he was the talk at the celeb tables inside the theater. "what did that crazy mizrahi fuck ask YOU?, you'll never believe what he said to ME!". lol

1/18/2006 01:35:00 PM  

Blogger jaxieknight said...

OMG trollop! That is sooooo funny. As I watched and listened to Isaac, I couldn't help thinking that he maybe had some curiosty about the other side of the fence. Let's face it... feeling up Scarlet, asking about underware.. Hmmmmm, Hey Isaac- do you wonder what it would be like to roll in the hay with someone without a five o'clock shadow???

1/18/2006 07:14:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh Bawdy, loved this article! I saw the Golden Globes a day late as they didn't airred it here live. Don't ask me why it's less important than crappy regular shows. Grr.. Anyway, the late telecast didn't include what happened in the red-carpet. Which is almost as important as the awards themselves, dammit! I cannot believe i missed all this!!!

1/18/2006 07:29:00 PM  

Blogger DareDevil said...

Interesting post, and i like your opinion :)

1/19/2006 08:22:00 AM  

Anonymous Cora said...

Oh my bitches...he's in the latest news in yahoo!

Mwah! :)

1/24/2006 11:28:00 PM  

Blogger JumpinJehosephat said...

Isaac did it for promotion and marketing. Any news is good news.

Y'all some crazy bitches! I like it.

1/28/2006 08:34:00 AM