Friday, May 5, 2006

Thank the good lord they have money

What female (heterosexual, of course) on earth has not dreamed of finding, and catching, her very own billionaire? I, for one, go to sleep every night with dreams of obscenely handsome men buying me little presents (islands, cars, a castle or two perhaps) here and there, as we travel all over the world in his yatch LOL.

So really, can you blame Harlot and I for becoming ecstatic out of our minds when we first saw the announcement that Forbes magazine has just published the list of the world’s most eligible bachelors and their stats? Our happiness knew no limits—that is, until we actually saw the pictures of the men in it. *horrible retching sounds from both of us*

This is what the article had to say:

There may no longer be a need to troll online dating sites looking for The One. If you are looking for a wealthy mate, we have the definitive list of the world’s most eligible bachelors and their stats.

Billionaire bachelors have an average net worth of $3.6 billion... They hail from 17 countries. Thirty-one have never been married... the rest are divorced.

This is what we have to say:

Jeffrey Skoll - eBay’s first president

This guy looks like a three-year-old forced to smile for his class picture. Surely he ate something that didn’t agree with him, or perhaps something smells there? Whatever it is, that isn’t an atractive look, buddy.

Our rating: Go home, skippy. We’d rather eat glass.

Lawrence Page - founder of Google search engine

A bit toothy for our taste, but compared to the others, this guy is an Italian Stallion LOL. Plus, there is all that money to consider. Hmm, he’s looking better already. :P

Our rating: Not bad. Just don’t forget the diamond-studded yatch. *wink*

Sergey Brin - founder of Google search engine

It MIGHT be safe to say that we’d shag him without all that money on the table, but we definitely wouldn’t mind being wooed with a diamond or two. *wink*

Our rating: Come over, baby, but remember to bring your checkbook with you! :P

Calvin Ayre - online gambling tycoon

I’m thinking David Hasselhoff. I’m thinking pimp. I’m thinking dirty perv with a whip. I’m thinking I’d take him out for a ride for the right price (oh god, I'm rhyming now LOL).

Our rating: Fuckable when one is blind drunk and can’t recognize a cock from a rod, maybe...

Ronald Burkle - supermarket magnate

Oh god... Ugghh. Is that acne on his face? I’d only marry this guy if he were on his death bed and being fed through a tube.

Our rating: Would rather throw ourselves on the path of a bullet train (quick and painless).

Paul Allen - Microsoft cofounder

This guy looks like my (Trollop) father. I can’t think about doing him under any circumstance. ICK ICK ICK!

Our rating: Stand back or we’re calling the cops, grandpa!

Prince Alwaleed of Saudi Arabia

To me this is the worst offender! Prince? What the hell happened to the ones Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty got? They were nothing like this creepy looking, foul mustache wearing, why-doesn’t-he-get-that-huge-mole-removed idiot!

Our rating: Euuw, we’d rather be stoned to death in the village square than being touched by this guy with a ten foot pole!


25 comment(s):

Anonymous die hure said...

Most of the rich men bachelors are very ugly. I would prefer to live with a poor one that is not so disgusting.

I think Calvyn Ayre looks very good, I would not need to be blind drunk to do the sex with him!!!

5/12/2006 02:37:00 PM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

I don't know ladies, you may want to reconsider Ronald Burkle the supermarket magnate. He may get you all the NUTELLA you want for free, then you can smear it on your sexy pool/garden boy when Ronny is out of town *wink*

5/12/2006 02:42:00 PM  

Anonymous horny old goat said...

Would you consider me, bitches? I have a yatch.

5/12/2006 02:43:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

How big is your yatch Horny old goat? It better be HUGE lol with a name like that you'll need it :P

5/12/2006 03:17:00 PM  

Blogger Serendipity said...

The first guy would look so much better if he didn't smile.

Those google founders? They're not so bad looking...but DH (yatch-less as he is) is yummier.

5/12/2006 05:23:00 PM  

Blogger JULIO said...

Well honey, so your looking for some hot, rich men right? I did some research a little while ago and Ifound out that is one of the newest most successful online dating services on the net today. So I signed up and I checked out the site and to me it is pretty damn good. If your interested you should check it out. I see that you are very interested in the rich men on your blog page, if you like rich men you should check it out. The guys here make $500k to 2Million = a year.

5/12/2006 06:43:00 PM  

Anonymous horny old goat said...

Vicious Trollop,

It is HUGE. You and Harlot should come by and look.

5/12/2006 07:35:00 PM  

Blogger Dakota Cassidy said...

OMG--I think I just wet myself over the endless Bachelor Millionaire possibilities. LOLLOL

And what's wrong Paul? He has that nifty part in his hair after all. LOLLOL

Dakota :)

5/12/2006 08:13:00 PM  

Blogger C Bradshaw said...

Is that everyone? Oh please, tell us there's got to be one who is at least passably good looking! Hopes are being crushed here! Where are the hot billionaires hidding??!!!

5/12/2006 08:19:00 PM  

Anonymous mandy said...

What happened to "Prince Charming"?

Euw euww euwwww!!!!!

5/12/2006 08:33:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

These guys had NOTHING to do except make money as no (sane)woman would have them.
I'll be any of their pen pals for life though, or is that email pals? whatever, if they just send their signed check books as a deposit.
Otherwise, find us not the filthy ugly rich, but reasonable well off and GORGEOUS rich to peruse.
Thank you so much.

5/12/2006 08:52:00 PM  

Anonymous Helena said...

Yetch, & retch to one and all. Prince Seaweed of S.A. (last photo)gets my vote for the ickiest. His poor Harem would be really scarem!

5/12/2006 08:55:00 PM  

Blogger nica ha said...

lol! wow...that's too bad. reminds me of when my best friend was telling me about how the top 10 bullriders in the country make like 6 digits... and they're all pretty hot. there's got to be a couple of them that are still single, well, if you can deal with them getting messed up from riding, lol!!

5/12/2006 09:43:00 PM  

Blogger nica ha said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/12/2006 09:44:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The more I look at those pics the most disappointed I get *sniff* how come they're all so ugly huh? and let me tell you Harlot and I chose the best looking ones and then the ugliest ones too. So you're not missing out on much lol

5/12/2006 10:24:00 PM  

Anonymous Trollop said...

Errr, that up there was from me. Those bloody letters fucking confuse me grrrr hate them!

5/12/2006 10:25:00 PM  

Blogger Angel Jamie said...

no wonder they're still bachelors! LOL

5/12/2006 11:40:00 PM  

Anonymous hehesnort said...

HAHA...I must say's a sad sad world when reading this post. There's a silly rap song I heard on the radio. It said something about Bill Gates saying that if he got laid in high school he wouldn't have been sitting alone in his room making plans to take over the world. You bitches might find the humor in it. It's called "underwear go inside the pants" by la-z-boy. It's actually a really good tune (i don't even like rap!)

5/13/2006 12:06:00 AM  

Blogger T-Diddy said...

Ha! This site is a riot! You didn't mention how Price Alwaleed likes to ban books he doesn't like in his country, too... :)

5/13/2006 02:48:00 AM  

Anonymous moi said...

LOL You ladies are hilarious!

That prince is the ickiest!!!

5/13/2006 03:05:00 AM  

Blogger Karen Scott said...

All that money and the dude doesn't have the sense to remove the mole taking over his face?

Actually, the caterpillar porno tache needs to go too.

5/13/2006 07:18:00 AM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Hey, Karen Scott! I was at your blog the other day reading your Lisa Valdez Interview! Fab book too!

Lots of money cannot hide flaws of great magnitude. Like a fugly face. What always puzzles me is why some of these rich men don't at least get their teeth taken care of. Straightened, whitened, etc...That blows me away...eewww, look at his teeth!!!

Bill Gates has definitely improved over the years.

And Trump must have some kind of magnetism too. He's proven to be quite virile over the years lol, but why doesn't he have a personal trainer.....Hey Vixen!!! There you go.....:P

5/13/2006 11:14:00 AM  

Anonymous Return Address said...

That's actually a pretty good picture of Paul Allen- he's not even THAT attractive. (He's a local) Bill Gates has gotten better since he got married and his wife has taken over his wardrobe. But the most attractive thing about Bill is the good that he is doing with his money.

5/13/2006 05:52:00 PM  

Blogger Angel Jamie said...

uh oh! return address, u mean to say this (Paul Allen's pic) is already the "after" pic, :O i dont think i wanna c the "before" pic LOL

5/14/2006 02:11:00 AM  

Blogger Hamish and Leesha said...

Paul Allen looks like Barry Humphries.. and it wouldn't matter how much money he made, he would still look like a man who dresses up as a woman!!


5/15/2006 12:02:00 AM