Friday, October 5, 2007

Life is not a romance novel

Did you heathens miss me? Fine, I was only gone for three weeks but, yaknow, just asking. :P So, what have you been up to lately?

Me? Well, someone told me I should stand in front of a mirror and see that I am young, pretty, smart (ha!). I did that, but as I stood there staring, a wave of anguish washed over me as I thought about the series of events that conspired to make me very unhappy. Pretty sure I laughed—gad, what a pathetic twat I am—even if it felt a little bit like throwing up.

Let’s see... A lot of the time I was with him I was thinking about slapping his face. But I’m not a character from your pornos and I don’t slap people in public. I was also not wearing tacky thigh-high-fuck-me boots—in case you’re still confusing me with the stuff you pay to have exist. Yet even then I’d kept him forever... A lot of the time I was with her I was thinking about what a selfish, insecure, neurotic, horrible, overly analytical—did I mention selfish?—silly girl I was. Compare to her, I’m weak. So I’d begun to lose her... You can’t ask people to love you more, no matter how much you try—and try and try and try...

I yearn for something that would make me feel like laughing at the sky but lately it’s all prayers that rose from the center of my being... please God, please...

I have never learned to close myself from those whom I love, so I rip my soul open and I’ve learned to smile while I bleed and I’ve learned to waste my time just so I could breathe. Funny, I never thought I’d end up doing one of those things I hate people do. Self pity... ugh, fucking loathe it.

Thing is, I don’t know how to fix it. Because I am *so* *fucking* *scared*. That I don’t know how to jump over the fence and reach for my dreams. That I have lost myself. That I’ve lost important people in my life because for a long time I’ve been such a fucking fool while I cry and I cry and I try to hold my heart back together with my bare hands because I really didn’t know what to do.

Everything is not okay under the fucking glitter. Okay? I thought I did what I had to do for the name of glamarama and sequins falling like rain. I thought I was preserving things...

But my heart, my heart... and then I lost it.


15 comment(s):

Blogger December/Stacia said...

I've felt that way before. But the cliche is true--life goes on. You're going to keep living even if you don't want to and even if you fail in your attempts to reach your goals, so you might as well try.


10/05/2007 12:46:00 PM  

Blogger Midas said...

Well, what did they say about darkest before peace? Now would be a good time to count your blessings, no matter how obscure, like maybe an orgasm induce by you...yeah! At least there's that.

It's a good start right?

10/05/2007 01:01:00 PM  

Anonymous karamia said...

I am sorry that you are going through this. Go easy on yourself. You are fantastic.
You have to go through some anguish to realize what is truly important. I hope you come out of this stronger. Somehow I think you will.

10/05/2007 02:31:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

Take care Harlot. (hugs)

10/05/2007 03:15:00 PM  

Anonymous Gabrielle said...

Harlot, you are in my thoughts.
Thanks for coming back :)

10/05/2007 07:04:00 PM  

Blogger Marg said...

Harlot honey...sorry you are feeling this pain.

Wishing you every happiness...Marg

10/05/2007 10:22:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

*hugs* Glad you're back Harlot.

10/06/2007 04:51:00 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now :( Whatever it is I hope you'll get through it stronger and happier and that everything will work out for the best.


10/06/2007 04:56:00 AM  

Anonymous Ollenska said...

It really does help talking about your feelings. Sometimes I feel like no one is there to listen so I just put words to what I feel and read them again afterwards.

Harlot dear, hope everything gets better for you. I have always gotten the vibe that you are strong. I'm glad you are back.


10/06/2007 07:57:00 AM  

Blogger Rachel said...

Oh Harlot, I'm so sorry for your pain sweetie :( Hope things will be better soon. Hugs.

10/06/2007 01:33:00 PM  

Anonymous Andy said...

Oh honey...sorry for your pain. I hope things will be fine soon. Sending you a big hug.

10/06/2007 07:05:00 PM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

Harlot honey, don't forget that we are never tested beyond what we can bear. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

10/07/2007 07:33:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you are talking about. It is so hard to pretend you are happy when you are not. Go easy on yourself. Wish you all the happiness.

10/07/2007 08:12:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going through a similar situation, and it is such a horrible pain that you don't wish it on anyone.

Thank the lord you don't have child caught in the middle. After a 6 year relationship, the man I have a daughter with admitted he's been sleeping with someone else for the past 6 months. He never told me and continued to have realtions with me.
I cannot tell you how devastated I am, because you can imagine.

The worst is that I have a 4-year-old to take care of, and I feel like I can't eat, can't sleep, can't even stop my tears from flowing. I feel so much grief I wish I could just sleep for days to not feel what I am feeling.
The worst is when my sweet 4 yr old baby asks me if SHE made me sad, I tell her no and she tells me that she will take me to the doctor, then she wraps me in her favorite blanket and gives me her teddy bear. Then I feel like my heart breaks all over again. I have no time to cry my tears because I cannot allow my child to see me like that. It is unbearable to feel like this and not be able to cry freely.
I hope that I also come out of this stronger. and I hope that my story helps you feel you aren't alone, and see how blessed you are that when you get tired of smiling in public, you can home, take off the mask and grieve in private. Here is a poem that helps me when I feel down:

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

10/08/2007 01:27:00 AM  

Anonymous donna said...

oh jeez, i get back from vaca and what do i find? i hate that this happened to you.

here's my battle cry:
stand up bitch! beautiful, true and real-that's you.

but also cry all you need to.

heartfelt hugs

10/08/2007 10:59:00 PM