Monday, April 17, 2006

From flab to fab, and sometimes to just plain scary!

Every person—but mostly every woman I know—is obsessed with the way they look. They want bigger boobs, a smaller nose, ears that don’t like Dumbo about to take off, and most importantly, they want a slim/fit body.

I want most of the above mentioned, just in different proportions. I want a smaller nose (one that doesn’t look like a fucking hawk’s beak), perkier tits, and most definitely Britney Spears’ amazing abs (pre-baby).

In reality, most of those things are quite simple to achieve. All you need is a couple of thousands of dollars, a plastic surgeon that didn’t go to the St. Tropez Medical School of Retarded Physicians and a week or two off from work. But better even, all you really need is to be a celebrity.

These celebrities have all gone from flab to fab in a record amount of time. Some have dieted and exercised, others have gone under the knife; one claims she has “pilate-d” herself out of 150 pounds (yeah, right!), and others have probably resorted to Hollywood’s best kept dieting secret: the ever popular cocaine.

Jack Osbourne lost over 70 pounds between the spring/summer of 2005, and thank god almighty!—cut off all that fugly, wig-looking, freezy hair. Osbourne’s new lifestyle includes jogging, rock climbing and bedtime at 11 p.m. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and junk food are out, he says.

Nicole Richie morphed from a chubby hog to a starving horse in all of 20 seconds. And let me say, though she claims it was through a trainer and leading a healthier lifestyle, I strongly suspect this was drug related. I’ve seen few unhealthier looking people in my life...

... Except maybe for her gal pal Lindsey Lohan—who has become an object of pity. I think this girl looked great before. She had no reason to lose weight the way she did. I know she says her transformation has been completely stress related, but look at the way she proudly flaunts her bonny ass all about town (err, town being Hollywood LOL).

For Star Jones, who’s lost over 150 pounds, and in all honesty is looking pretty good (though she can’t afford to lose one more pound), I will just quote the queen of comedy, Rosie O’Donnell: “I don’t understand with Star Jones why she’s alright talking about a breast augmentation but not gastric bypass.* If you have to have a gastric bypass because you feel it’s a medical emergency and you have no alternative, then you have that, and there are repercussions to having that. But to pretend that you lost it doing Pilates, it’s kind of delusional.” Kind of delusional? I would go more with psychotic hallucination!

*I need to mention that Bawdy has been saying this for over a year. I’m starting to believe she’s right!


22 comment(s):

Blogger Bawdy Babe said...

oh boy! do i love this topic. Losing weight w/ coke is hard. Because, honestly you need to drink to take the buzz off the blow. IMO, I think the girls just stopped eating and/or took up purging.

Jack Osborne is the only one who did it right. Diet. Excercise. Thus the pic of him running and doing other physical activities.

Star Jones claims the same. let me just say HA! Star Jones has got to be the biggest promotion whore ever. You all remember her wedding, right? The whole thing was sponsered. Surprised that pay per view wedding deal didn't go thur. She claims she lost the weight at this super spa/gym in NY. I'm sure she got paid a pretty penny to plug the gym.

But where are her muscles after a year of working w/ a trainer? She has lost enough fat that muscle, if she had any, would be showing. Let me state from personal experience that when your body starts to change dramatically thur diet/excerise you can't shut up about it. All you can talk is gym. Friends eyes behind to glaze over. They stop taking your calls. Basically you annoy the shit out of them. Star Jones is the queen of gab. Have you EVER heard her talk gym? I rest my case.

I think Rosie is right on and thanks Trollop for this great article. I just love to dish!

4/17/2006 10:54:00 AM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

BB, you're right on with Star. If she would've lost her wt. from exercise she would be yapping about 'so and so' her personal trainer or whatever. I used to be a trainer and whenever my clients lost wt/got fitter, whatever, I got busier b/c they would be talking all about it.
Trollop, I am with you on LL. What has happened to her? God, she used to be BEAUTIFUL! That picture to the left? Wow. but now. UGH such a waste of a great boobs, great hair, adorable face. Such a shame.

4/17/2006 02:33:00 PM  

Blogger Random Musings Of My Life said...

100% yes.
Diet and exercise is the only way to do. Although I would be lying is a said that after I lose the last 10 pounds I would like to get my saddle bags sucked out! But I have seen 3 doctors and they all agree no amount of diet or excercise can get rid of those puppies.
But I will bust my ass till then.
And ew Nicole looks SICK eat a sandwich or something!

4/17/2006 03:01:00 PM  

Blogger kinky courtesan said...

I want SMALLER boobs (well... smaller all around i guess) I love my nose... its cute even if it points a lil bit, I have never even THOUGHT about my ears... but now that I do, I like them... but the weight thing I am with.... But I have good reason... I am overweight and I know it... I'd be lying if i said it wasn't to look better... but it is more than that... I want to be HEALTHY! any advice?

4/17/2006 05:37:00 PM  

Anonymous Tart said...

Star Jones looks like an alien...her thinner face makes her eyes bug out. Yuck.

I do think that Nicole Richie is way too thin. Lohan is a pretty girl, and is now back to a nice weight.

I don't understand the obsession with some girls/women to look that thin. Most men I know prefer a woman with a bit of meat on the bones. Hell, my very fit, very lean with a great body Boyfriend can't stand scrawny chicks (which, you know, is great, cos I am SO not scrawny...I'm more like two scrawny Nicole Ritches and a thin Lohan LOL).

Granted, clothes do look better on you when you are thin. But to take it to the extreme? I mean, euw... a baggy bikini isn't v attractive.

4/17/2006 07:08:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Tart, my thoughts exactly!+

Vixen, I used to fantisize about being an aerobic/step instructor bec with great music it feels like dancing. My dearest friend is a PT and she's a sweetheart like you:D

I find nothing feminine about a thin, ripped female form like Madonna, not to mention the other scrawnies here, especiallly 40ish woman who start to look gaunt.

I've never read a romance where the heroine was ripped with 6pak abs. She's described as soft to his hard, toned and shapely. I would think that a hardbody guy might start to wonder if he's actually laying with a skinny man if he was on top of a Madonna-like bod!! Only my op.....:P lol

Oh, Tart, my mom was recently commenting on how Star's head looks too big for her bod now. Catty but sort of true :(

At my age, I think I actually look better at the size I am and its not a 6 lol! Way too loose though and I'll be working on it :D

4/17/2006 07:39:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Since we don't get "The View" here, i've never heard of this Star Jones until Bawdy and Trollop mentioend her last year. I honestly think she looks better now than before. Good for her for losing all that weight really. But don't get why she's lying about how she lost it.

I've always thoguht Lindsey is a very pretty girl. Then she started to look like a skeleton. Also, i think she looks better with her natural red hair than being blonde. Waht is it with losing weight and then dying your hair blonde? But, i agree that she's looking better these days gaining back some weight.

Now Nicole, OMG, she's just scary! She looks like a victim of famine. I don't think this skinny is attractive at all.. I don't think skinny is beautiful at all.

4/17/2006 08:14:00 PM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

HM, you're so sweet! Big kiss to you!
Whoever was wishing for smaller boobs STOP right there. I've talk to Tart about this and I will now share it with the rest of you. Don't wish for smaller b/c someday you'll get it and you won't be happy you did. I was a full, perky big breasted woman then I breast fed 2 boys (don't get me wrong, i would do it again in a heart beat, I'm all for nursing) and I am now itty bitty. What was that committee, Tart? The "Itty Bitty Titty Committee"? Picture a deflated balloon with one last puff of air. That's me. It's so sad really.

BTW Tart, how was your trip?

4/17/2006 09:29:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

OMG Vixen, LMAO! about the committee!

Lucky you, to have at least had big'uns at one time. The same thing happened to my stepsister, lost most of it.

A friend of mine was extremely well-endowed, the glory of her DH and after her first baby, no nursing, she realized she had lost some, went and plumped them up even bigger than original, 6 weeks after the birth!! Too much vanity there lol.

I would consider it, but DH is very against fake tits. Too bad for him if I really wanted them lol.

4/17/2006 10:04:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

When it comes to boobs, Tart's the winner LOL.

Vixen, i didn't know you used to be a trainer? You must have a killer bod!

HM, i posted a pic for you in FABB's yahoo account, under Trollop's folder. Look drunk LOL. But i love that pic. :D

4/17/2006 10:16:00 PM  

Anonymous Tart said...

yes, when it comes to boobs I have you all beat! We could have a "boob off" and I'd so win LOL :D

Vixen - mini break was good, though not long enough. Back to grey skies and work now.

4/17/2006 10:42:00 PM  

Blogger Malicious Strumpet said...

Tart, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who noticed that Star Jones looks odd now that she lost the wieght. I think that thin photo of her must be touched up.

Lindsay Lohan was frightening for a while there...but I had seen recent pix of her where she looked better.

I think Nicole Ritchie looks horrible these days. It's sad, because there was a point when she was loosing the weight that she looked great. Now she's so boney and all her clothes are baggy on her. Ick!

4/17/2006 11:09:00 PM  

Blogger Bawdy Babe said...

yeah i agree about star's face. she was prettier chunky. oh the irony!

4/18/2006 08:38:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Yes, Stars face looked better like 50 pounds ago, but not when she was like 300 pounds! you could barely see her eyes then.

I dont think she should lose anymore weight. She'll resemble Nicole R. in a couple of months, if she keeps this up. Still, she looks much better (in general) now than she did before, and it must have been hard living with all those extra pounds.

I wish I was a celebrity and/or was invited to extreme makeover lol I'd come out looking like Angelina Jolie :D

4/18/2006 11:16:00 AM  

Blogger Gun_Wielding_Bitch said...

Star Jones has the head of a bullmastiff! HUGE! Gross. LL and NR...hint for you two, women are supposed to get the bone in bed, not the men (well, straight men) No man wants to have sex with skin and bones!

4/18/2006 03:56:00 PM  

Blogger jaxieknight said...

I'm also one of those what is the "secret" behind Nichole R.'s thinness. Not so long ago, she actually looked like a human being. Now she resembles like a walking/talking cotton mop (only this mop's ends are blond, not white). The only way a person can tell the difference between the two is those half-your-face sunglasses she usually wears.

4/18/2006 07:58:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

When I said I was gettin desperate for eye candy - I really didn't mean this!

4/19/2006 01:21:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Aggie, tomorrow babe. LOL It's in drafts already, just needs editing. ;)

4/19/2006 01:29:00 AM  

Anonymous Aggie said...

Thank you God ... I mean Harlot ...
I mean Goddess ... *smooch*

4/19/2006 06:18:00 AM  

Blogger c.m.p. said...

Yup, Lindsay needs to gain back her weight and let her natural hair color flow before she turns into Mary Kate.

4/19/2006 12:55:00 PM  

Blogger Dylan said...

Yeah Lindsay is looking pretty sad these days, she needs to go back to's funny how in her case, her before photo looks WAY BETTER than her after photo...isn't it supposed to be the other way around? LOL.

And with Star Jones? Even with all of her weight loss, she still needs to stay out of bikini's...saw some pictures of her that made me want to puke.

4/19/2006 10:35:00 PM  

Blogger Currin Girl said...

What I have a problem with is that the excessive coverage of these women's weight loss subliminally promotes that this is how women should look. Come awards season, the coverage takes a back burner, only to come back full force for lack of better news to report.

So I start thinking, "Should my clavicle be sticking out enough for me to hang my clothes on? Do I want people mistaking my front for my back?" But mercifully this self-doubt is removed the second a cupcake is placed in front of me. I am reminded to ENJOY my life and what it has to offer, and not live a life of denial and self-flagellation. Something so small, so frivolous and sweet, in its wierd way reminds me of this. So as a result, my universal balance is restored.

4/20/2006 01:41:00 PM