Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Holy Grail for the sexes


When Meg Ryan asks Tom Hanks in the movie You’ve Got Mail, “What IS it with men and The Godfather?” Hanks replies, “The Godfather answers all of life’s questions. What should I pack for my summer vacation? ‘Leave the gun, take the cannoli.’” Hanks later advises her to “go to the mattresses” in regards to a business deal.

Men really talk like this. This movie, which has to be at least 30 years old, is the Holy Grail for men. And some women as well! Let me make this real clear: DON’T FUCK WITH TROLLOP. Whenever I ask her for advice, she turns to The Godfather for the answer. Trollop frightens me.

I got to thinking what is the women’s version of this phenomenon as I was at the video store renting Sex and the City for the umpteen time. Hmmm...

Advise on men
Miranda: He’s just not into you.

Insulting trashy friends
Charlotte: Is your vagina listed in the New York City guide books? Because it should be—hottest spot in town—always open!

Fashion sense
Carrie: I’m thinking balls are to men, what purses are to women. It’s just a little bag but we’d feel naked in public without it.

Infidelity
Carrie: Someone’s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.

Fidelity
Samantha: (to the girls) I think I have monogamy. I caught it from you people.
Carrie: Now it’s airborne!

Bedroom etiquette
Samantha: Could you shave or something? Blowing you is like getting my teeth flossed.
Samantha: You have a lot of nerve telling me to get a wax. If you were in Aruba the natives could bead your back.
Samantha: I’ll admit I have had to polish myself off once or twice; but yes, when I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come.
Samantha: Can we cut the cake? I have to go to a three-way.
Samantha: Anything else around here need milking?

Food
Samantha: Last night I could not stop thinking about a Big Mac. I finally had to get dressed, go out and pick up a guy.

Samantha: Where were you on your lunch break? I stopped by your office and you weren’t there?
Richard: I was eating.
Samantha: Eating? Eating who?

Stanford: I can only stay a few minutes. I got tickets to the Vagina Monologues.
Carrie: Why?
Stanford: Just because I don’t eat at the restaurant doesn’t mean I can’t hear the specials.

Technical support
Samantha: You’ve got to get online, honey. If only for the porn.

Spirituality
Carrie: Here. Swear. Swear on Chanel.

Samantha: I masturbated to my priest... Friar fuck!
Carrie: Okay, I think we’re going to have to get Charlotte a crash helmet.
Charlotte: You have a priest?

Compassion
Miranda: I made him cry. No, first I yelled at him—I yelled at my friend the cancer patient—then I made him cry.

Men’s anatomy
Charlotte: We have a tea bag situation.
Samantha: Oh honey, I totally understand. Just breathe through your nose. (pause; all stare at Samantha)
Samantha: When you’re sucking his balls.

Miranda: Women don’t care. We care about nice arms, great eyes, a big dick... I’ve never once heard a woman say, “He had such a big full scrotum.”

Charlotte: We finally have the penis working. I don’t want to scare it.

Gynecology
Charlotte: My vagina’s depressed.

Samantha: I tried to go to a man (gynecologist), but it was just too strange. Having a guy spend all that time down there and then you leave—without an orgasm and a bill!

Charlotte: Oh my God! Vagina weights!
Samantha: Honey, my vagina waits for no man.

Politics
Samantha: The country runs better with a good looking man in the White House. I mean, look what happened with Nixon; no one wanted to fuck him, so he fucked everyone.

Therapy
Carrie: (about therapists) First they want you to come there two times a week, then three times a week, and eventually you’re starting every sentence with “my therapist says...”
Miranda: My therapist says that’s a very common fear.

Ex-boyfriends
Samantha: Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it’s good you can’t get it anymore, if it’s bad you just had sex with an ex.
Carrie: It was all very familiar. She was having a dejà-fuck.

Sports
Carrie: Miranda was a huge fan of the Yankees. I was a huge fan of being anywhere (ballpark) you could smoke and drink at two in the afternoon without judgment.

Death
Charlotte: (seeing the tacky floral arrangement at Miranda’s mother’s funeral) They were supposed to say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” not “You’re dead, let’s disco.”

Being a Singleton
Carrie: The fact is, sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.

Menopause
Samantha: You cannot BELIEVE the hot flashes! I can barely keep my clothes on!
Carrie: Really? What was your excuse before?

Urban myths
Charlotte: Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your lifetime.
Miranda: Where’d you hear that, “Convenient Theories for You” magazine?

Irony
Miranda: (on finding out she is pregnant) WHY didn’t I use a condom?
Carrie: You didn’t use a condom?
Miranda: He has one ball, and I have a lazy ovary! In what twisted world does that create a baby? It’s like the Special Olympics of conception!

Military
Samantha: Ladies, seamen, 12 o’clock!
Miranda: (to Carrie) I pray when I turn around, there are sailors, because with her, you never know!

Expressing yourself
Carrie: Oh, it’s never different! It’s six years of NEVER being different! This is it! I am done! Don’t call me ever again! Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name! And you can drive up this street all you want—because I don’t live here any more!

Mr. Big: How are things with that guy, Hot Dog?
Carrie: Berger.

Business sense
Carrie: (on starting an all-male brothel industry) We should open one in every block, like Starbucks!
Samantha: Starfucks!

Wisdom
Samantha: Money is power, sex is power; therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.
Carrie: Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.
Carrie: My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not be worried about the future.
Carrie: Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with...
Carrie: The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.
Carrie: I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.
Carrie: The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself.

Yes, Sex and the City might not have the Corleones, but as that Sicilian bodyguard Calo from The Godfather said, “Women are more dangerous than shotguns.” Believe it. And watch out for Trollop.

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19 comment(s):

Blogger Bawdy Babe said...

thanks to harlot and trollop for the pic and for editing. i'd be lost w/o their pc savy.

4/18/2006 08:23:00 AM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

Bawdy, thank you for that. A much need laugh this morning!

4/18/2006 08:47:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

I love this post!!!!!!!! I keep re-reading and laughing!!! Will add it to "best of the bitches" as soon as I have a free min.

Now, yes, "the godfather" is like the bible to me. No better way to guard yourself from being fucked and even better, the best advice to find 101 ways to fuck those who mess with you :P

4/18/2006 11:08:00 AM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

Such incite from these ladies!! lol

Never really thought of GODFATHER as a man's show, more of an italian thing. I love it as much as DH. "Make him an offer he can't refuse" in V Corleone's gravelly voice. Micheal says it too.

Fav scene: outside the hospital. Michael and the baker, who pretends to have a hiddengun. Oh, and in the restaurant, "I have to go to the bathroom" Micheal with his swollen cheek. "Don't want him coming out with just his balls in his hands, capese? Sonny Corleone.
LOL, I could go on and on....

4/18/2006 11:37:00 AM  

Anonymous Tazza said...

Ladies, you out did yourselves with this post. When I stop laughing, I'll have to point my friends to this site to have a read. Great job!

4/18/2006 11:37:00 AM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

DD pushed a key and I couldn't finish lol..

We don't get HBO (rollin eyes) but what I've seen on TNT is a riot, Sex in the City re-runs. Fab lines and hilarious situations. I'm thinking of the one where one of them dyed her bush red and it came out clown orange...lol And her BF was a younger hottie??

4/18/2006 11:44:00 AM  

Blogger eleKtrofly said...

i've never even seen it and i have a penis

4/18/2006 12:57:00 PM  

Blogger Malicious Strumpet said...

I own every season of this show on DVD. It's beyond fabulous. And the shoes!!! :)

4/18/2006 02:14:00 PM  

Blogger Tart said...

Oh I love this show! The characters were fun, the clothes, the shoes and of course, the hilarious lines...

Some of my faves are:

Carrie: I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I'll always think of him fondly. As an asshole.

Charlotte: Imagine, being blind and not being able to see a beautiful day like today. Can you think of anything worse?
Anthony: Stonewashed jeans and a matching jacket.

Carrie: I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife. But in those fantasies, I was running over them with a truck.

Samantha: You dated Mr. Big. I'm dating Mr. Too-Big!
Carrie: You broke up with your last boyfriend because he was too small, now this one's too big. Who are you, Goldie-Cocks?

Stanford: Before I tell you, you have to promise not to judge.
Carrie: Do I judge?
Stanford: We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts; we judge.

Samantha: Frankly, I think it's sad, the way she's using a child to validate her existence.
Carrie: Exactly. Why can't she just use sex and a nice cocktail like the rest of us?

Charlotte: I just don't understand. How could you forget someone you slept with?
Carrie: Toto, I don't think we're in single digits anymore.

Charlotte: Did I ever tell you I was a cheerleader?
Miranda: No, because you knew I would mock you endlessly.

Carrie: Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?

Ok. Enough or I'll write a novel.

4/18/2006 05:53:00 PM  

Blogger Bawdy Babe said...

love it tart! this show gets better w/ each viewing. best television of the century, well that and the Sopranos. HBO really is wonderful.

4/18/2006 06:00:00 PM  

Blogger Tart said...

The Soprano's I never really got into. I did watch one series, but got creeped out by Ralphie? He was one sick motherfucker LOL.

4/18/2006 06:06:00 PM  

Blogger Bawdy Babe said...

you ALWAYS do this! contrary bitch.

4/18/2006 06:27:00 PM  

Anonymous Tart said...

Hey, I can't help it (perhaps I should be called Mary, you know "Mary, Mary, quite contrary" LOL).

4/18/2006 07:14:00 PM  

Blogger ColleenInGA said...

I loved this! I could Sex and the City for days on end and never tire of any episode...just watched the final one last week and still got weepy with Miranda and her MIL. I will watch the re-runs on TBS, but I still get huffy when I know how much better the line would have been with the foul words in...my experience w/ guys has been it's either the Godfather, Sopranos or the Simpsons...go figure?

Thanks Bawdy!
Colleen

4/18/2006 09:09:00 PM  

Blogger T-girl said...

EW! LOVED this post! I am a HUGE SITC fan! I own them all on DVD and watch them over and over. I can not even tell you which one is my favorite because I love them all. I even have the hubby into it (shhhhhh... don't tell)! I however can NOT watch it on TBS or Fox because I know them all so well it annoys me, PLUS...I have to tell whoever is around what they missed.... line-for- line!LOL I also love the Sopranos, which is the hubbies fav... gotta love HBO! They have some great stuff!

4/18/2006 09:25:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

I have never watched the SITC series, just one or two episodes, but these extracts made me laugh so hard, I'm gonna go & buy the DVDs.

4/19/2006 01:27:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Thanks Bawdy, i love these!

I LOVE SnTC. I'm one of those who watched from the first time they airred the first episode and waited every week just to see the next one. I cheered for Mr. Big and yes even hated him for chickening out of his relationship with Carrie, loathed that stick Natasha, not to mention almost puke every time i hear Aidan's irritating stupid voice. LOL Definitely one of the best series ever.

4/19/2006 10:03:00 AM  

Blogger Nattie said...

I love Sex in The City! It's sooooo hilarious! great post! These ladies are like the modern gurus of our time :) Especially loved the episode where Samantha complains about a guy's penis being too small/too large and Carrie asks her "What are you, Goldie-cocks?"

Priceless!

4/19/2006 08:20:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

AMEN!!!!!

fashionistaeternallydreaming

4/22/2006 12:51:00 AM