When Meg Ryan asks Tom Hanks in the movie You’ve Got Mail, “What IS it with men and The Godfather?” Hanks replies, “The Godfather answers all of life’s questions. What should I pack for my summer vacation? ‘Leave the gun, take the cannoli.’” Hanks later advises her to “go to the mattresses” in regards to a business deal.
Men really talk like this. This movie, which has to be at least 30 years old, is the Holy Grail for men. And some women as well! Let me make this real clear: DON’T FUCK WITH TROLLOP. Whenever I ask her for advice, she turns to The Godfather for the answer. Trollop frightens me.
I got to thinking what is the women’s version of this phenomenon as I was at the video store renting Sex and the City for the umpteen time. Hmmm...
Advise on men
◙ Miranda: He’s just not into you.
Insulting trashy friends
◙ Charlotte: Is your vagina listed in the New York City guide books? Because it should be—hottest spot in town—always open!
◙ Carrie: I’m thinking balls are to men, what purses are to women. It’s just a little bag but we’d feel naked in public without it.
◙ Carrie: Someone’s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.
◙ Samantha: (to the girls) I think I have monogamy. I caught it from you people.
Carrie: Now it’s airborne!
◙ Samantha: Could you shave or something? Blowing you is like getting my teeth flossed.
◙ Samantha: You have a lot of nerve telling me to get a wax. If you were in Aruba the natives could bead your back.
◙ Samantha: I’ll admit I have had to polish myself off once or twice; but yes, when I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come.
◙ Samantha: Can we cut the cake? I have to go to a three-way.
◙ Samantha: Anything else around here need milking?
◙ Samantha: Last night I could not stop thinking about a Big Mac. I finally had to get dressed, go out and pick up a guy.
◙ Samantha: Where were you on your lunch break? I stopped by your office and you weren’t there?
Richard: I was eating.
Samantha: Eating? Eating who?
◙ Stanford: I can only stay a few minutes. I got tickets to the Vagina Monologues.
Stanford: Just because I don’t eat at the restaurant doesn’t mean I can’t hear the specials.
◙ Samantha: You’ve got to get online, honey. If only for the porn.
◙ Carrie: Here. Swear. Swear on Chanel.
◙ Samantha: I masturbated to my priest... Friar fuck!
Carrie: Okay, I think we’re going to have to get Charlotte a crash helmet.
Charlotte: You have a priest?
◙ Miranda: I made him cry. No, first I yelled at him—I yelled at my friend the cancer patient—then I made him cry.
◙ Charlotte: We have a tea bag situation.
Samantha: Oh honey, I totally understand. Just breathe through your nose. (pause; all stare at Samantha)
Samantha: When you’re sucking his balls.
◙ Miranda: Women don’t care. We care about nice arms, great eyes, a big dick... I’ve never once heard a woman say, “He had such a big full scrotum.”
◙ Charlotte: We finally have the penis working. I don’t want to scare it.
◙ Charlotte: My vagina’s depressed.
◙ Samantha: I tried to go to a man (gynecologist), but it was just too strange. Having a guy spend all that time down there and then you leave—without an orgasm and a bill!
◙ Charlotte: Oh my God! Vagina weights!
Samantha: Honey, my vagina waits for no man.
◙ Samantha: The country runs better with a good looking man in the White House. I mean, look what happened with Nixon; no one wanted to fuck him, so he fucked everyone.
◙ Carrie: (about therapists) First they want you to come there two times a week, then three times a week, and eventually you’re starting every sentence with “my therapist says...”
Miranda: My therapist says that’s a very common fear.
◙ Samantha: Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it’s good you can’t get it anymore, if it’s bad you just had sex with an ex.
Carrie: It was all very familiar. She was having a dejà-fuck.
◙ Carrie: Miranda was a huge fan of the Yankees. I was a huge fan of being anywhere (ballpark) you could smoke and drink at two in the afternoon without judgment.
◙ Charlotte: (seeing the tacky floral arrangement at Miranda’s mother’s funeral) They were supposed to say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” not “You’re dead, let’s disco.”
Being a Singleton
◙ Carrie: The fact is, sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.
◙ Samantha: You cannot BELIEVE the hot flashes! I can barely keep my clothes on!
Carrie: Really? What was your excuse before?
◙ Charlotte: Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your lifetime.
Miranda: Where’d you hear that, “Convenient Theories for You” magazine?
◙ Miranda: (on finding out she is pregnant) WHY didn’t I use a condom?
Carrie: You didn’t use a condom?
Miranda: He has one ball, and I have a lazy ovary! In what twisted world does that create a baby? It’s like the Special Olympics of conception!
◙ Samantha: Ladies, seamen, 12 o’clock!
Miranda: (to Carrie) I pray when I turn around, there are sailors, because with her, you never know!
◙ Carrie: Oh, it’s never different! It’s six years of NEVER being different! This is it! I am done! Don’t call me ever again! Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name! And you can drive up this street all you want—because I don’t live here any more!
◙ Mr. Big: How are things with that guy, Hot Dog?
◙ Carrie: (on starting an all-male brothel industry) We should open one in every block, like Starbucks!
◙ Samantha: Money is power, sex is power; therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.
◙ Carrie: Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.
◙ Carrie: My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not be worried about the future.
◙ Carrie: Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with...
◙ Carrie: The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.
◙ Carrie: I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.
◙ Carrie: The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself.
Yes, Sex and the City might not have the Corleones, but as that Sicilian bodyguard Calo from The Godfather said, “Women are more dangerous than shotguns.” Believe it. And watch out for Trollop.