Monday, July 10, 2006

Ese maldito bigote**

I have been meaning to rant about a couple of things lately—including the fact that I was led to believe Judith Ivory writes great romance novels (please, allow me to stick a finger down my throat now)—but at this moment something takes precedence over all future posts. Something so disturbing I haven’t been able to sleep thinking about it. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about facial hair—specifically about The Mustache.

I am reading The Proposition by JI, and though the book isn’t bad (at least I haven’t thought that being raped by a gang of midgets with herpes would be more “fun” than reading another page of that crappy piece of shit called The Indiscretion), I cannot stop thinking about the walrus mustache that Mick (the hero) proudly wears. It’s like a fucking main character in the book; it’s mentioned even more than the heroine is!

I was happily reading and thinking to myself: “Well, this isn’t half bad. Yes, the hero is poor and filthy, but there will surely be an explanation for that later on,” when, *gasp* I stumble upon this paragraph:

Mick stroked his mustache a moment. It was soft and sleek, his mustache. Thick, dark, his pride. His “lionhearted virility” on display. He dragged his finger down the mustache till the inside of his knuckle rested in the indentation of his lips.

“Thick, dark, his pride”? His “lionhearted virility”?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK??? That completely confounded me. Was I supposed to find that attractive? Is this guy a human or a freaking ape? I was throwing a right fit until I remembered, I could shave him in my mind! Yes, that’s what I’d do; I’d give him a good bath and a close shave. No more mustache for me! Hurrah!

Ha! That’s what I thought. Little did I know that disgusting mustache had a life of its own; it should have been mentioned in the blurb. In just the first few chapters, it’s referred to at least twice in each page. And every time the descriptions of that... that... that thing!—become more repulsive than the last, until its gotten to the point I’m afraid to pick the book up again.

He wore a positively feral mustache—walrus-like and jet black. It went with the dense stubble on his cheeks.

She stared at him, her gaze dropping to the brutish, thick mustache that took up most of his upper lip.

The mustache should go. He should shave it off. It was wiry, rough, like a broom on his lip. Not gentlemanly in the least.

That freaking bush in Mick’s upper lip is giving me the heevie jeevies. I admit to having serious issues with hair, facial or any kind, that is not in the head LOL. And yes, any mention of mustaches, beards, bushes or thickets of chest hair have me gagging; but if it’s just in passing, maybe once or twice during the book, I can live with it—but this, ladies, is just too much!

I need to know if this has happened to anyone else. Has there been a physical description in a book that has put you off a character so bad that you’ve had to stop reading? And please, those of you who have read The Proposition, tell me I am not alone in my revulsion of this thatch of hair living in the hero’s face!

**Spanish for: that damn mustache.

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23 comment(s):

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh god, you heathen. :@ I love Judith Ivory. Love THE BEAST, UNTIE MY HEART and THE PROPOSITION (bite me, grr). SLEEPING BEAUTY, as many always say, is the best JI.

But yes, hairy men, ack. Please no apeman. :/ Mustache is a big turn-off (never been attracted to one who has it *shudder*). It's up there with men having long fingernails. *gag* But i love a 5 o'clock shadow. Actually i find it VERY sexy; now i won't mind getting beard burn from that. :P

7/10/2006 07:59:00 AM  

Blogger Petra said...

Good morning ladies. :)

Trollop, you are right about character description, they can certainly put off a reader. Right now I can't think of a specific book, will get back to you on that, but this is the same reason why I don't like covers with illustrations of people on them. I remember reading a Johanna Lindsey Malory book with a weird Fabio cover, that was such a baaaad cover. Everytime I imagined the hero, that damn picture of Fabio kept popping up in my head! Ruined the book for me.

7/10/2006 08:51:00 AM  

Blogger Sparkling Cipher said...

I loathe those descriptions of men with thick thatches of chest hair. Sorry, not into gorillas....

I've also been noticing the number of heroines described as having honey-colored hair and/or skin. I've never met anyone I would describe as "honey-colored."

7/10/2006 08:53:00 AM  

Blogger Ladybug said...

I'm sorry but a short hero. I like my men taller. One specific book that turned me off because of this was Night Watch by Suzanne Brockmann. It was frequently mentioned that Wes was 5'8"! Isn't the average American male 5'9" tall?

7/10/2006 10:05:00 AM  

Blogger Jordis said...

When I see an older woman go after a much younger man, really, good for her. You go girl and take what you want. But in my books, somehow it bothers me when the heroine is WAY older than the hero.

Take that book by Mary Balogh, A Promise of Spring. The heroine was 10 years older. That kept distracting me while I was reading...

7/10/2006 12:34:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of Judith Ivory and older women, I had the same problem as Jordi. I didn't like that book because Coco the heroine was older. I know, very lame. I couldn't get pass the fact that she's 40. I could NOT get my mind to grasp that she should be a woman in her prime and very desirable. Because of this, I just couldn't get into the story. If the hero was older, it wouldn't have been a problem.

7/10/2006 01:03:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

There's this one book by Carla Kelly, I can't remember the title, where the hero was overweight and balding. I know it's refreshing to find a hero who's not tall, dark and handsome, and in real life, let's face it, gorgeous millionaires don't just go knocking on plain janes' doors, but why did the hero had to be balding AND overweight? Yeah, very lame. Heh.

7/10/2006 01:17:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Ladybug I think the hero being 5'8 would bother me even more than the mustache thing LOL Tks for the heads up on that book, though as you all know, not a huge fan of Suzanne Brockman Incredibly I ordered more and have them on my tbr.

Lollie Rose, balding and overweight? LOL LOL LOL Oh god that's bad LOL

Glad to know I'm not alone in these character description phobias. :D

7/10/2006 01:53:00 PM  

Anonymous lola lovegood said...

I read this book and the mustache bothered me very much. He later shaves and even then they keep making mention of it. Very frustrating.

I read a M. Balogh book about a hero that was burned and was missing an arm. That didn't bother me, I really thought it was refreshing, but they mentioned it in every page and got to be too much, and I gave up about half way.

7/10/2006 01:59:00 PM  

Anonymous lola lovegood said...


I love the SEALs series by SB, but even so, I laughed myself silly reading your post LOL

7/10/2006 02:01:00 PM  

Blogger Gun_Wielding_Bitch said...

I always picture the hero as tall, slightly long (run fingers through but not having to pull it out of my bathtub drain or is it touching his shirt collar) dark/medium brown hair, muscular but not bodybuilder, 5 ‘o clock shadow (up to 2 days growth is ok), straight, white teeth and a crooked smile. Almond shaped eyes with green or blue eyes, tanned skin, thick/firm fingers, rugged (but not dirty) looking, wearing faded blue jeans and a white Hanes under shirt that is taunt across the chest and ends just below the waist of the jeans but not tucked in and when he hugs you, you are engulfed by him and he make you feel small/dainty/feminine no matter how tough you really are, and you always feel safe… *huh hum* sorry ‘bout that

If the hero is described as blonde, blue eyed, lean, upper 5 foot, I see the above mentioned. :p Redheaded, fancy suit, rich lawyer, I see the above mentioned. LOL, I have a detailed but small imagination.

7/10/2006 03:10:00 PM  

Anonymous Linka said...

Yeah, the only JI book I read was this one and besides the mustache part being unattractive, the ending is too freaking perfect. Also, the fact that he deals with mice and probably needs some good lye to get all the grossness off was another ick factor. It was a nice enough read, but didn't encourage me to go out and read more of her books. (It was another reccomendation from Miss Harlot :-P).

7/10/2006 03:15:00 PM  

Blogger Isabella said...

I don't mind an older heroine, as long as the hero is mature enough. But i do mind a really big age gap between the hero and heroine. Like the hero is 20 years older. Ack.

7/10/2006 03:19:00 PM  

Anonymous Die Hure said...

I think mustache is very sexy on the tall men, but maybe not one that could be described as a feral brutish broom on ones lip jajaja It sounds like this JI is not a writer for my taste.

7/10/2006 05:05:00 PM  

Blogger Jordis said...

Isn't in Anyone But You by Jenny Crusie, the heroine is much older too? I thoroughly enjoyed that one.

I think mustache is hot. :P

7/10/2006 05:32:00 PM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

Trollop, the book's title: Ms Billings Treads the Boards by Carla Kelly. Yes, it was bad. :)

7/10/2006 06:26:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

I don't mind a man with a mustache. As long as he knows how to use it to tickle me. ;-)

7/10/2006 07:04:00 PM  

Blogger Vanessa said...

I love LaVyrle Spencer and her book Years is one of my favorites. The hero was 20 years or so older than the heroine. It didn't bother me at all. But if it's the heroine who's 20 years older, I might have a problem getting into the story. I know, double standard.

Now about the hero's height and his mustache, I'd take a scarred hero any day but not a short hairy one.

7/10/2006 10:26:00 PM  

Blogger HOTMAMA said...

GWB, nice descriptions!! And very funny. Now I'm going to be thinking about it lol. I think I may do the same thing!

As for JI, I read several awhile back. Liked them but not enough to keep them. That's how I know, a barometer if you will lol.

7/10/2006 11:08:00 PM  

Blogger Aggie said...

LMAO at this post. O/Weight and balding? Ack! Hairy upper lip and facial hair OMG no. Clean shaven please. If he's in rugged outdoors and has no way to shave, fine for day or so. After that, MUST get back to civilized living. I want to be able to see my man's face. I want whiskers, I'll go buy a cactus plant! Eek.
GWB: Too funny! Variations on a theme. LOL

7/11/2006 12:13:00 AM  

Blogger Vixen said...

GWB, you're description was quite enjoyable :P.

I tend to just ignore some details if they don't fit with what I typically like.

I love 5 o'clock shaddow but it really only works on dark haired men. Some blonds just can't make this sexy, IMHO.

7/11/2006 08:31:00 AM  

Blogger StillWater said...

Wow, thats interesting that a woman consumes over 4 to 9 lbs of lipstick in her lifetime! Here is the link that I found that shows all of the research:

7/12/2006 07:21:00 AM  

Anonymous Dreamer said...

Yeah, so this is a really old post and no one will ever read this comment, but I just had to say something.

My biggest man pet peeve used to be hair. I don't like it anywhere other than on their heads, and even that has to be just right: not too short, and definitely not too long.

And then I met the OM(S)A (object of my (secret) affection). He has a beard. I don't mean he's stubbly, it's a freakin' beard. And the funny thing is, if he got rid of it, I don't think I would be as into him as I am now. He'd look funny without it. Well. Only because I'm used to seeing him with the beard, but still...I love his beard!

3/08/2007 06:34:00 PM