Anyone that knows me, can tell you that my one obsession—besides shoes, clothes, lingerie, sex, books, chocolate, vodka martinis with two olives, men and movies (yikes, there seem to be quite a few LOL)—is Seinfeld, the greatest show in television history.

One of the things I enjoy most about this show is that episodes don’t end with family/friends gathered around a living room laughing like a bunch of halfwits, discussing the usually stupid and moronic lessons they’ve learned in the previous half hour (in typical sitcom fashion). The Seinfeld four had bad things happen to them, did worse things to others, and never learned a single damn thing.

“The Strike” is one of my favorite episodes. I love the idea of a holiday in which: we’re not expected to skip around with a fake smile glued to our faces, being forced to buy presents for people we hate, and having to be polite to carolers who wake us up at the crack of dawn, and then have the fucking gal of expecting to be invited in for a cup of cocoa.

So for all those people who hate Christmas, here is a fun (if a bit weird LOL) alternative:

The origin* (according to Frank Costanza):

Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born... a Festivus for the rest of us!
Kramer: That must’ve been some kind of doll.
Frank: She was.

The Festivus celebration includes four major components:

• The Festivus Pole. The tradition begins on December 23rd, with a bare aluminium pole, which Frank praises for its “very high strength-to-weight ratio.” During Festivus, an unadorned aluminum pole is displayed. The pole was chosen apparently in opposition to the commercialization of highly decorated Christmas trees, because it is “very low-maintenance.”
• Festivus Dinner. The Festivus dinner menu is flexible, but it should be filling non-holiday comfort food (no turkey, duck, goose, ham or pork). The televised dinner featured what may have been meatloaf or spaghetti in a red sauce; alcohol is optional.
• The Airing of Grievances. At the Festivus dinner, each participant tells friends and family all of the instances where they disappointed him or her that year.
• The Feats of Strength. The head of the family tests his or her strength against one participant of the head’s choosing. Festivus is not considered over until the head of the family has been pinned to the ground. A participant is allowed to decline to attempt to pin the head of the family only if they have something better to do instead.

Fun/informative Festivus links:

• Want a pole? For only $37.50 (plus S&H) you can have your very own Festivus pole.
• A funny and entertaining Festivus video.
• Excerpt of The Real Festivus with an introduction by Jason Alexander. Festivus: The Bane of My Existence.
• More on the ceremonies and celebrations of Festivus.

*The Festivus idea came to the show through writer Dan O’Keefe. His father, Daniel O’Keefe, had invented a Festivus holiday in 1966, including many of the features later included in the Seinfeld episode.