Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Viciously funny amazon reviews: Outlander

I must be a very sick and twisted individual. You would not believe how much fun I have reading bad book reviews in Amazon. I love it when I hate a book (which is about 90% of the time LOL), and then go on to find a lot of vicious and ludicrously funny comments posted by other readers/reviewers, who feel as cheated and as outraged as I do by having been duped into reading such crappy pieces of “literature.”

Here are some reviews for Outlander by Diana Gabaldon:

Yeesh, July 31, 2005
My enjoyment was quickly dashed by the introduction of one of the most thoroughly underwhelming, and thoroughly hateful (to me, at any rate) protagonists I have ever stumbled across: Jamie Fraser. ... In my opinion he is without a doubt an empty-headed fool of the highest order. Honestly, if I were to meet Jamie Fraser, I’d shoot him on sight and be disappointed if I didn’t receive three ringing cheers and a pound from the courts when I was acquitted. Despite my profound distaste for his character, Gabaldon did manage to provoke some unintentional laughter in me with Fraser’s behavior in the bedroom. ... there was one line out of Jamie and Claire’s endlessly boring, mechanical, black-hole-of-eroticism grappling sessions ... that has been seared in my mind forever. Just as they’re about to get buckled, Jamie breathlessly utters the all-time charmer, “You’re as slick as waterweed, Sassenach.” Since Gabaldon didn’t have Claire hoot with laughter, clout him, or twist his courting tackle into a pretzel, my suspension of disbelief was forever lost, as was the scintilla of respect and enjoyment I had for Claire as a character.

“You’re as slick as waterweed, Sassenach”??? LMAO I do not remember this part of the book (it’s probably lost in my mind between the vicious beatings and rapes), but if a guy ever tries to charm his way into my knickers with that line, me and my pussy would be getting pretty fast away from him—probably after rolling on the floor laughing!

Outlander is verra, verra boring, February 19, 2005
The main frustrations for me include ... enough already with the sex scenes! Almost everytime Claire and Jamie came together (no pun intended) they jumped on each others bones. One of the most unbelievable sex scampades is after they are almost killed by those men with bad/no teeth, they go into the heather and f*()(* like rabbits. Come on, people! I would be high tailing it so fast out of there.

I thought the same thing! Perhaps those rotten teeth really turned them on and they couldn’t contain themselves, thus having to go behind the bushes to scratch the itch?

Also, Claire does not seem too bothered about loosing her husband or even why she went back in time and how she got there. Never mind being nearly raped every time she is with the enemy. And Jamie, being a 23 year old virgin when they get hitched... not bloody likely!

Well, with such charming lines as, “You’re as slick as waterweed, Sassenach,” how can you be surprised? LOL

What do women really want?, May 7, 2004
The age old question may finally have been answered by this modern publishing pheneomenon. The “Outlandish” series ... is beloved by thousands of women worldwide, who passionately overlook mediocre writing, aimless plot, wildly unrealistic situations (Claire killing a starving, 90-lb wolf with her bare hands made time travel look reasonable), unnatural character behavior, contradictory themes (Claire admires Jamie’s loyalty, loves Frank, but was hunky-dory after just a few days about boinking a total stranger; a stranger whom she then marries and promises her loyalty, but from whom she then tries to flee back home, before being captured) etc, etc. So I ask myself, what could make women overlook these otherwise important issues? Power, Love, Intimacy, Freedom. ... Claire suddenly develops the skills of a talented physician, friends appear out of nowhere, as do shelter, food, money and reasources. It’s the perfect fantasy. And who wouldn’t want to occasionally (frequently?) leave the old ball and chain (husband) behind for an extended (and optional—she can go back any time) roll in the hay with a great man!

The real question is: who would actually want to leave anyone, but a convicted serial killer or a schizophrenic sociopath (and even then I have my doubts LOL), for Jamie?

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3 comment(s):

Anonymous Elizabethia said...

I, contrary to you, would walk many miles to land in the arms of Jamie Fraser, you're just sour grapes because Diana is such an awsome writer!

8/01/2006 01:07:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Honey, when I want a gay wife-beater for a soul mate I'll go find him in a state penitentiary LOL No need to read about him if I can get one in prison!

8/01/2006 04:22:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...


Where are my manners? LOL I forgot to say welcome :) don't mind me and my dislike of Outlander. And we wont even hold that you like Jamie against you! LOL :P
Post often sweetie :)

8/01/2006 04:32:00 PM