Monday, March 6, 2006

The Oscars

Last nights Oscar coverage was a snoozer. No fuck ups, no outlandish outfits, no blubbering bawling acceptance speech. Even Uncle Isaac of the E! channel behaved.

Jon Stewart did a fine job hosting the Oscars, which has to be one of the hardest gigs in Hollywood. The opening numbers were really cute, but you couldn’t help think of Billy Crystal’s previous hosting duties. Crystal is a master host and a hard act to follow, but Stewart was fun. I would have preferred more of the biting political humor Stewart is so good at but unfortunately he played it neutral.

I had a running bet with Trollop over Oscar predictions and was happily proven wrong about the best supporting actor award George Clooney won (though I was right about all the rest, ha!). One of the few non-yawner moments of the show was Clooney’s acceptance speech. It was not only the best speech of the night, it’s one of the best Oscar acceptance speeches ever. He was funny and reverent. This guy is so charmingly suave, I do believe he has become this generation’s Cary Grant.

Reese Witherspoon and Philip Seymour Hoffman gave a nice, calm, eloquent acceptance speech. They both brought and thank their parents. Most of the winners were poised and dignified. Yawn. Bring on Halle Berry’s bawling, Cuba Gooding Jr. “I love everybody” proclamation, or a streaker. Yes, gang, the Oscars had a streaker once. Ah, those were the days.

The most alarming thank you of the evening was Brokeback Mountain screenwriter Diana Ossana, whose speaking was so monotone and laboriously slow that I could only conclude she was on mega doses of Valium and about to pass out. For heavens sake’s woman, you just won an Oscar, show some excitement! I’ve heard tax law lectures more riveting than your speech. Geesh.

In sharp contrast were the winners of the best song for Hustle and Flow, “It’s hard out here for a pimp.” Now that’s how you accept an Oscar. Show excitement and show teeth! Yes, even gold platted teeth! They made Oscar history by being the first winners bearing bright bling toothware.

As previously stated, the show was very sedate, but several celebrities did seem to cause alarming concern. Sources tell me that the huge, abnormal growth on Charlize Theron’s shoulder is benign, thank goodness. She covered it nicely with a gigantic car bow. And it didn’t overtake her gown AT ALL.

Now, rumor has it that Nicole Kidman’s relationship with country crooner Keith Urban made her so happy, she died from joy and came back as a ghost, thus explaining her uber white, anemic appearance.

The most dubious fashion choice of the evening was Naomi Watts’s decision to wear the exact dress as The Corpse Bride. Unfortunately, the shredded attire looked better on the bride.

Harlot and I had sharp disagreement over Sandra Bullock’s gown. I liked it, she hated it. Although we both think she is preggers.

All in all it was a fun bland night despite the disappointing absence of bad taste or poor form. I wish just once a loser would throw a major hissy fit and menacingly charge the stage in a drunken stupor. Ah well, it COULD happen. Just think Russell Crowe.

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9 comment(s):

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh i LOVE George Clooney. *sigh* Told you he's gonna win. :D

Charlize's gown is awful. What the hell is that bow??! And Sandra's, i thought she looks like she was wearing a tent. An ugly tent at that. :S The only dresses i like are those worn by Keira and Jada Smith.

I know you don't like Russell Crowe LOL, but i love him. I mean, i think he's an AMAZING actor. I loved him in Gladiator, and i still think he should have won an Oscar for Beautiful Mind.

3/07/2006 05:10:00 AM  

Blogger Marlene D. Malone said...

Ladies I do have to say it was not as exciting a show as I would have liked. Jon Stewart to me seemed like he was trying way too hard. But yes I LOVE George Clooney! I can't believe Good Night, Good Luck got snubbed! And Capote only got one award?

3/07/2006 08:29:00 AM  

Blogger Malicious Strumpet said...

I heard that Reese Witherspoon forgot to thank her hubby. And that they didn't look happy AT ALL on the red carpet? True? False? I sooo wish I could have watched, even if it WAS boring. :)

Charlize Theron's bow should be outlawed. Just scarey!

3/07/2006 09:14:00 AM  

Anonymous Vixen said...

MS, Reece did thank hubby and her children. Her acceptance speech was very nice, I thought. She hit everyone and even said very nice things to Juaquin (who I thought should have won for best actor, errr). She saved hubby/kids for last. Very good speech.
The few dresses that stuck out for me were Reece, the actress from Memoirs (very elegant) and Jada Pinket Smith.
Oh and my favorite part of the evening...
GEORGE CLOONEY! God I love that man. He was made for a classic tux. Mmmm.

3/07/2006 10:05:00 AM  

Blogger jaxieknight said...

re Sandra Bullock... I've been trying to scoop out all the lastest on THAT gown (you know I had to since she was with Keanu). About possible preg?.. E! Red Carpet's guys were thinking along the same lines. OH and where was her hubby, Jesse you ask... As I recently snooped and blogged, he avoided the Red Carpet and met her at the exclusive Vanity Fair Party.
But I digress... that gown.. Liked the blue, hated the netting on top. The pockets were a neat idea, but in every photograph is like her hands are chopped off.

3/07/2006 11:26:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Jada Smith was STUNNING on the red carpet. The gown's color, the cut, it looks so beautiful on her.

I thought Salma Hayek's dress was just okay. But, oh man, she is sooo HOT! LOL

3/07/2006 02:40:00 PM  

Anonymous Tart said...

I'm sorry, but Jada Pinkett Smith's dress was VILE! The colour was so tacky and bright! And that slight sea-shell design on the bodice was so awful. Bad choice. I thought the best dressed was Jessica Alba - lovely dress, golden skin. Her hair was a bit nana-ish, but overall, she rocked the red carpet.

George Clooney deserved his Oscar, his performance in Syriana was great.

I don't think Crash should've won Best Picture. It was a good film, but not a great film. In 20 years, they'll still be talking about Brokeback Mountain, can't say the same for Crash.

I thought Jon Stewart was very funny. I've never heard of him, or seem him before and loved is ad-libbed stuff. However, none of these Hollywood people have a sense of humour! Honestly, they are so bloody sensitive and dry. They can't seem to laugh at themselves and the industry LOL.

3/07/2006 04:28:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Oh LOL, i loved Jada's gown. :P I thought the one who had ugly dress color (not crazy with the design too) was Michelle. But worst ones i think were Helena's and Naomi's, and the big bow pretending to be Charlize.

Jessica Alba's gown is lovely, but not on her. It makes her look like a toothpick walking on the red carpet. And her earrings look fake. :S

Love Jon Stewart. :D George, *sigh* him i lurv. LOL

3/07/2006 04:37:00 PM  

Blogger doc slm said...

I truly believe that diana ossana had botox before the show. it would explain her inability to even smile for god's sake when she made her acceptance speech.

3/08/2006 09:36:00 PM