Thursday, January 24, 2008

Breakup ground rules

I was just reading A Sassy Little Guide to Getting Over Him by Sandra Ann Miller. I really don’t like the “I’m desperate enough to buy this bacause I’m afraid I’m gonna die alone” books (what exactly is this genre called?) because the few I’ve read are all rubbish. ASLGTGOH, however, didn’t feel like the author was just talking wakka wakka wakka.

As the title suggests, the book is about getting over some fucker who broke your heart. I didn’t know what to expect when I got this little pink book at the UBS (it’s only 128 pages) but I was surprised to find it quite entertaining. It’s honest and blunt yet witty and funny with a dose of compassion in it. It has some great advice for breakupees: how to start healing, preventing breakup mistakes, how to keep yourself from running him over with a bulldozer, etc. It’s verra sensible too.

Check out this fun excerpt. I wonder which of you has done this or that... and that... :P


Before we go any further, you need to make some promises to yourself. Raise your hand and repeat after me...

I, (state your name), do, hereby, solemnly swear that I will not behave in the manner of a crazy ex-girlfriend. I will not participate in foolish or destructive behavior. I promise to act in a dignified fashion and that means I will not do stupid things, no matter how I might rationalize them. Therefore, I vow the following:
  • I will not call him. No matter what good or bad news I think he should hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I’ll have a friend do that, preferably via email.
  • I will not email him. Not even an innocent and rather funny group email forward. I will not email him simply to give him back his stuff. I will not contact him at all.
  • I will not frequent the places I know he goes to, even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge that this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some space and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.
  • I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy, even with my best interest at heart. That includes talking to him when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and he’ll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got a promotion, bought a new house and am dating George Clooney (or the regional equivalent thereof).
  • I will screen all of my calls. I will get caller ID, if necessary, and put “private call block” on my phone. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and am sure it’s not him. All other calls will go to voicemail.
  • I will not take his phone calls. I repeat, I will not take his calls.
  • I will not return his phone calls or emails. If he is “just checking” to see how I am, I know he is really just checking to see if I think he’s a jackass. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he did not start out the communication with, “I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together.”
  • I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic-8 Ball or tarot card readers and the like. The only professional guidance I will seek will be that of a licensed therapist or member of the clergy.
  • I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and couple’s therapy.
  • I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.
I promise to abide by these vows for at least thirty (30) days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever is longer. This is about me feeling better and that has nothing to do with him.

This I do affirm. So help me.


**Excerpt copyright © Sandra Ann Miller

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10 comment(s):

Blogger Midas said...

Harlot, this is funny, but also true. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to break up with...but this is really nice points to consider.

Does it count if I sort of accidently stab the MF if I happen to met him (hypothetical ex, that is).

1/25/2008 03:08:00 AM  

Blogger Midas said...

I just remember my favorite saying...Gam zeh la tova.

This too is for the good.

1/25/2008 03:08:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Haven't we all done the magic ball/tarot card thing? LOL

Jesus, I'm guilty of all the stuff mentioned. Yikes. In my defense I was young and foolish!

1/25/2008 08:16:00 AM  

Blogger Jordis Juice said...

*embarrassed laugh*

I have done all of that. Even the stalking your ex part. I think a girl's brain short-circuits during a breakup. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you keep asking yourself where did we go wrong....

Ah, love.

1/25/2008 08:44:00 AM  

Blogger Alice said...

I would have NEVER done that... all right, so I've done several but have thought of doing all...

1/25/2008 10:56:00 AM  

Anonymous Kristy said...

Good one. Break-ups are hard. You swear not to call him but you always end up dialing his number.... and then hanging up when he picks up the phone. Of course he has caller ID and he'll know it's you.

1/25/2008 11:14:00 AM  

Blogger Lollie Rose said...

I think everyone does this. I wouldn't hesitate to tell an ex (especially someone who broke my heart) that I am now dating George Clooney. I would even succinctly mention that the sex with the new man was A-MA-ZING. Even if it wasn't.

1/25/2008 03:32:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

This reminds me of the movie The Break Up. They stayed together after breaking up. Talk about asking for more pain.

1/25/2008 06:08:00 PM  

Anonymous Sara said...

"I would even succinctly mention that the sex with the new man was A-MA-ZING. Even if it wasn't."

LOL! Now I'm tempted to do that....

1/25/2008 06:16:00 PM  

Blogger Petra said...

Ha! I would brag too if I were dating George Clooney, to anyone who would listen.

"What a beautiful morning. Hey, did you know I'm dating George Clooney?"

"I'm still shocked about what happened to Heath. Hey, did you know I'm dating George Clooney?"

1/25/2008 06:21:00 PM