Monday, November 24, 2008

"I've seen vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions that even venom cannot overcome."

Ah, Carlisle, ye all-knowing Hottie McVampire... Here’s my no-spoiler-review of Twilight:

I snickered, I cringed, I almost barfed. Truly, I still can’t believe how BAD this movie is. Like, unbelievably embarrassingly horrendous. *shudder* FYI “true” Twihards (gotta laugh!) or whatever you wanna call yourselves now, who screamed their heads off every fucking time “Edward” appeared on the screen, despite all my bitching I LOVE Twilight, and, to be fair I once thought Rob was a bit of a cutie in GOF; believe it or not I WANTED to like this film. Now, most adaptations don’t measure up so I allowed room for disappointment—as in I went in with the lowest bar of expectation; worthy of Sarah Palin low. I knew it wasn’t going to be exactly like the book but for fuck’s sake, they could have done a better job of it!

As I’ve predicted, hee, I snickered at various scenes—I couldn’t help it. Well really, I’m not the only one. The acting was so atrocious people were laughing even when the scene was supposed to be SERIOUS. Still, that’s nothing compared with the times I had to cringe (bloke that sat next to me probably thought I had Parkinson’s :/). I.e. I cringed every time Edward looked at Bella. Actually, he was staring... staring and staring and—oh, my lord jeezuz—fucking staring... while precious Bella reciprocated with heavy breathing (fine, she blinked—like every 3 seconds or so). Edward was channeling croaky, jumpy Peter Brady (R.I.P. refined, oh-so-sophisticated Edward *sniff*); Bella was imitating a robot—or, er, WAS she a robot? I’m confused. :S The success of the film relies on the interaction and chemistry between the two because IT’S THEIR ROMANCE that has given the book its meaning, making it work—and yet their scenes together were utterly PAINFUL to watch (verra unpleasant, I tell ya). That alone made the movie fail.

Then, the makeup: IICK! The Joker must have been Twilight’s makeup artist. It was SO AWFUL that the actors’ faces looked as if they were falling apart. I actually pity the fools because you could see the makeup caked on their faces. I mean, hel-lo, it’s one thing to sound stupid but to look fugly too?!? What evil, EVIL torture! I guess while filming the poor actors had to avoid mirrors and shiny metals and lakes and stuff, or else they ran the risk of seeing their reflections and scream “Save me, Batman, save meeeee!!!”

Er, anywho, many characters were useless (jolly Emmett was a dud), some were annoying (especially fucktard Mike), while others looked like they’d been cast in the wrong bloody movie (Jacob could be in Planet of the Apes, while whatshisface who played Jasper was channeling Edward Scissorhands, except not EVEN nearly as good, or as good looking—HE WISHES—as darling Johnny). The movie itself was choppy, didn’t flow, and there were a lot of “WTF?” moments. I won’t mention any in case any of you lot who’ve yet to see it feel the need to jab popcorn into your ears or poke your eyes out with soda straws MWA HA HA be *ahem* surprised.

I swear watching the film was very embarrassing. I kid you not when I say I was mortified someone I know might see me as I was coming out of the theatre. It was soooo cheesy and stupid and, dunno, just plain awkward and weird. Stephenie must be disgusted how they butchered her book with terrible directing, bad acting and weak script. And, um... honestly, people, it is *2008* and, though I’m technically-challenged, even I know computers do fab things in the way of special effects. Maybe next time they’ll hire someone who actually KNOWS how to use one.

Anyhoodles, go see Twilight... if you dare LOL. I’m sure you’ll get a few unintentional laughs out of it. ;P

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16 comment(s):

Anonymous Babz said...

I *so* need to watch this movie. I am expecting a giggle fest. Nothing makes my day like a giggle fest.

UGH. I loved Rob as Cedric. To be honest I haven't read the book. Now I don't know if I ever will.

11/24/2008 05:08:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

As funny as this movie review is, I feel sad that its all true. I couldn't agree more - it was terrible! I know Stephenie Meyer must be crying because Summit Ent butchered her work. How could you not laugh at this movie when its actors' makeup put Katherine Harris' clownface to shame? It felt like a bad 80's flick complete with cheesy storyline and bad hairdo (Jake and his Native American friends ZOMG HAHAHA!)

I realize now that Twilight needs to stay as a novel. Please don't make New Moon into a movie.

11/24/2008 06:42:00 PM  

Anonymous jaded said...

I completely agree! I went to see it with one of my friends who loved the book and it was just awful. Poor Stephanie indeed! Oh as for that staring scene, I think that must have been the cheesiest scene and best example of horrible acting. What is scary is that I heard on the news tonight that they've already got the green light for the other movies.

11/24/2008 07:23:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jaded, say it isnt so! Frankly, I can't imagine how they are going to make New Moon (movie) work. The saga is about Edward & Bella's love. How can you persuade people to watch more of this drivel when in the second installment, Edward's barely there? NM's focus is on Jacob and his friends. From what I saw of the actors who played the Quileute boys, I just can't make myself be interested.

11/25/2008 01:54:00 AM  

Anonymous anan said...

People, don't pity poor Stephenie when she's rooling in dough now with the cut from the 70 million the movie made! Second, she herself saw the movie before it came out and said Rob's Edward is Oscar worthy 'insert me rolling eyes, lol'. Please stop her madness cause she thinks Breaking Dawn should be split into 2 movies like HP7!

11/25/2008 03:47:00 AM  

Anonymous anan said...

Harlot: it if won't pain you too much can you post a spolier version, pretty-please!

11/25/2008 03:49:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Babz: How are ya, gorgeous?

Jaded and Anon: Welcome! Hope you guys visit us often.

Anan: Sure thing, honey. What kind of spoilers do you like? ;P Ya know i'm only supposed to be filling in for Trollop as she's sick, my poor babe. Anywho will post later, in a hurry late late! *besos*

11/25/2008 08:29:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

HP7 is going to be a two part movie? WTF? THEY JUST WANT TO MILK US FOR MORE MONEY. Fuckers!

They should have made HP5 a two part movie but they butchered it. Assholes LOL

11/25/2008 11:03:00 AM  

Anonymous anan said...

Spoilers about the sexy scenes of course! I read that Meyers told the movie studio to tone it down after initial viewings, damn her!!! She said they must 'build up slowly' for the rest of the movies. I saw some clips and I find Edward in a constant state of constipation, lol. Trollop, didn't you know they'll be spliting HP7, yeah it's about the money framed in the excuse that the book/story line is too detailed and important to just be one movie. Most think the cut off point will be the camping scene in the forest.

11/26/2008 01:05:00 AM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

I'm better today, though still have a freaking headache.

Anywho, WHY DIDN'T THEY MAKE HP5 A TWO PART FIML? It's by far one of the best books, and it's the longest. Fucking thieves these WB people GRRRR

11/26/2008 07:33:00 AM  

Anonymous anan said...

I wish they had more of HP5 too, I felt the Harry/Sirius realtionship and Sirus/James back story were lacking. Plus, WHERE THE HELL was Lupin, he was there for like 2 seconds! I wonder how they are going to resolve the Fleur/Bill thing in the last movies cause I don't think their story line will be in HP6. All I'm hoping for is more SNAPE, he is the book's bloody name sake!

11/26/2008 10:35:00 AM  

Anonymous anan said...

Harlot: I thought u might enjoy these quotes about Breaking Dawn:
-with regards to their honeymoon and oral sex: "And I think we know that Bella and Edward don't do that because Bella isn't picking glitter out of her teeth come morning.)Hahaha, don't you think his sperm glows? Like little disco balls with tails of FIRE!"

I lol so hard

11/26/2008 10:38:00 AM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Anan, sorry gorgeous, late reply. Was that Stephenie? Sheesh. If that's true, Bella must be more idiotic than i think. Imagine, withhold yourself from having fun because you're too fucking lazy to brush your teeth?! Really Ms. Meyer, NOTHING wrong with enjoying and giving your spouse pleasure. Oh i pity the fools; apparently their love is a thing of shame. :/

Anywho, what sex? LOL I must have seen the wrong movie because there isn't ANY (like in the book). Unless you'll count the 5-second kissing scene on Bella's bed. Oh, and the other 3-second kiss at the end...

Now, spoilers. If you've read the book, there is none. The movie is very faithful to the book. The only thing they've changed (i think) is the introduction of James' coven early on the story. I guess filmwise that makes sense--not that it adds anything. But if you're looking for.. i guess you can say a little surprise, the only thing i can think of is Stephenie's cameo in the diner. Yes, it's THAT BO-RING. This is why i'm actually grateful they got that weird dude who plays Jasper because every time he's in the screen, even just on the very corner, he'll make me laugh LOL! Not because he says funny things (i believe he's actually projecting "seriousness"; well, he can't act) but because he looks so sooooo ridiculous it's fucking hilarious! Kept me awake, i tell ya. :P (That, and whenever the vampires run. They all look super stupid. For the record, it pains me how laughable this movie is. *lesigh*)

11/26/2008 01:19:00 PM  

Blogger Harlot said...

Re: Anywho, WHY DIDN'T THEY MAKE HP5 A TWO PART FIML? It's by far one of the best books, and it's the longest. Fucking thieves these WB people GRRRR

Honestly, woman, you're the only one on the fucking planet who didn't know that. Well, at least for those of us who are *TRUE* HP FANS, YOU FAKER!!!!!!

P.S. I can't believe Stephenie is delirious enough to think Twilight movie is as good as the HP ones. Split BD? What, one torture isn't enough?? There were HP films i didn't enjoy but i'd gratefully take the WORST scene from any of those movies than the BEST from Twilight. :S

11/26/2008 01:32:00 PM  

Blogger Vicious Trollop said...

Re: faker

I WAS TOO POOR AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't get how anyone would compare HP to Twilight. They are not remotely similar. JKR is an AMAZING writer. IMO she could compete with the great writers of all time. Twilight's writing is meh. Withhold the tomato throwing please LOL

11/26/2008 04:10:00 PM  

Anonymous shoshana said...

Well, I saw and I decided that the movie is great if you have never read the book beyond the first page.

I pretended I've never read the book and had a jolly good time with my daughter. The sushi we got from Kona Grill afterwards was really great.

12/06/2008 09:22:00 AM