Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Santa, it's me, the dirty wench who loves Christmas

Hola Santa,

I have been a good girl. Well... reasonably good. :/ I can’t be like Trollop who all of a sudden appointed herself as Brit Brit’s champion. I don’t know what kind of humongous sin she had to atone for or what black magic had been performed on her person but I’d rather be bad baaaaad baddy bad bad than be sucked in on that voodoo. My bitchy soul will shrivel and die, I tell you!

Now, Santa, this has been a verra wacky year for me so I’m thinking it’s more than fair I get what I want this Christmas. For a while I considered pushing you to finally make Prince William into HRH, Harlot’s Royal Honeybunch. But, I now realized, I could never really be Mrs. Prince William because... *long suffering sigh* my Raoul WILL die (oh, he needs and loves me so!). So, um, for uber true love... goodbye oh-so-shiny castles... *sniffles*

You see what I’m willing to sacrifice for love?!? And I’m willing to sacrifice more if you’ll give me what I’m asking for! That’s right, Santa. I’m willing to sacrifice my wants and needs—a Bugatti Veyron 16.4, one of my love slaves named Eduardo Corrochio, shopping spree in Paris, my very own pritti yacht (you know how much I love shopping and boats *sob*)—all that for the goodness of gazillions and gazillions of people in the world!

I only want one itty, bitty, tiny simple thing: I WANT YOU TO MAKE THAT HOPPING WARTY POT TO FOLLOW J.K. ROWLING AROUND AND MAKE HER LIFE FULL OF DRAGON BOOGIES.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I don’t want the hopping pot to trample that blast-ended witch. Just torture her some, pinch her a bit (if the pot’s toes can do it), clang-clang-clang her from here to kingdom come till her ears are bleeding and she finally sees her big-big-BIG folly and make The Tales of Beedle the Bard AVAILABLE FOR EVERYONE and not just for those rich sons of banshees who have £1.95m (US$3.98m). For charity, my hopping foot! She just likes to see me suffer!

Santa, you might think I always wish JKR harm but, truly, it’s only when she’s not playing fair. I swear on the statue of Babbitty Rabbitty, that witch and those Amazonians are in cahoots together. You’d think a book I covet but can never evah evah have is enough torture already but nooooo... They have to rub it in my face by posting tons of TOBTB pics on their site *GRRR* including reviews of each of its fairy freakin’ tales! For Voldemort’s nipples, I refuse to be beaten by such nasty, cruel maniacs!

Rudolph knows I tried to do this in a peaceful manner—GOOD Harlot that I am—but it didn’t work. I’ve written JKR several times but I dunno if she’s gotten my letters because those smart-asses at the PO claim “Sadistic Evil Witch” is not a real address. Honestly, it would have been nice had they mentioned that before I spent $199.98 on postage. :@

What I’m trying to say is, this is really important, Santa. Think of all the kiddies and HP fans who are counting on me. Oh, I get warm and hopeful (and what else are the holidays supposed to be about if not hope?) with the thought of the hopping pot pestering JKR and she bawls like a baby—goody!—and it drives her crazy *MWA HA HA HA* till she gives in. Imagine, me and my own copy of TOBTB hopping off into the sunset happily ever after together forever... *far away look, dreamy sigh*

I’LL. BE. WAITING.

Sincerely naughty,
Harlot


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4 comment(s):

Anonymous Carmen said...

I'm with you all the way Harlot!!!

I really really wish that she will see the error of her ways!

12/19/2007 10:39:00 PM  

Anonymous Shoshana said...

Hmm, if Santa grants you that book's copy, then I'm borrowing it from you. That way, I don't have to write a Dear Santa letter.

12/21/2007 04:49:00 AM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Those tales are wonderful. My favorite is the one with the fountain and the three witches and the knight.

Hopefully, Jo will act like Santa and give us Beedle for a Xmas present.

12/23/2007 10:13:00 PM  

Blogger Jolie said...

Did you guys know about Rowling's A Year in the Life documentary?

I don't know though, if it would premiere in the states.

Preview here -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Vw27Zn1IYQ

12/23/2007 10:17:00 PM